Newbie and ready for hard work

[dj21]

I am so thankful for a positively focused place to participate in. My story seems typical like so many I have read here. I am 43 H is 43, a large family, M 21 years, T 24 years. The bomb 9/2011, he moved out 10/2011 OW, I filed D papers 02/2012, H moved in with OW 03/2012. I found the midlife forum 03/2012 and focused on letting H do his thing....then 06/2012 I found DB, ordered DB/DR and another one of the books. Thank goodness someone finally slapped me upside the head and dropped me on my hiney. HELLO, this isn't self blame, this is self realization. I have done multiple things to push my H away. He said he felt stuck, I packed his stuff, he never said divorce, but I filed. He came to our home every other weekend for our children and 2 week nights as well. I stopped all that, told him I wasn't going to make things convenient for him. Bad move...could have had some good opportunities. I found reasons to contact him, just so I could remind him of how he hurt me and our family, these occured weekly, YUCKY. Thank goodness, DB found me...I was angry as I read DR, I actually put it down numerous times, my complete thought process was "his fault", "mlc", "why me", "how could he", bla bla bla....Never did I look at me. So here I am, selective on the posts I read, focused on staying focused, and completely confident that it is never too late and I can give myself the chance to reconstruct my marriage. My goals for now are 1) eye contact, I only see him on visitation days every other weekend. 2) No matter what, do not react 3) Happy, light and friendly, I get minimal time...don't waste it being easy to dislike. 4)NO texting, emails, calls, unless it is urgent about children. I know these are basic, but for me, they are difficult. I have been mean and vindictive out of pain. I will not always be so confident in my ability to see this through, but I trust that this DB will be my personal lighthouse as I make some changes in myself that will contribute possitively towards my ultimate goal.

[cat04]

Welcome to this board.

You will be on moderation for a while so post often to get that to end quickly.

Can you give us a more detailed background?

What were your H's complaints?

What did you do exactly?

This is a wonderful place for support and idea tossing as well as a place to vent your emotions.

[Carnac]

dj21, welcome. It sounds like you've read and taken to heart the concepts of the book, now you simply have to put them into action. Remember actions, not words are what they will respond too. Read lots of posts here, you'll find your situation in what others have gone through and see a complete roadmap that will help you avoid the pitfalls others have made.

Good luck and post often you'll receive some great advice, some of it you won't always want to hear, but its for the best.

[dj21]

Thinking back, there have been very obvious warnings. H complained that we never did anything, and that all of my time was spent on other people instead of my family. I also, was, quite frankly the gate keeper of the family funds. As the stay at home mom, it couldn't have been a great feeling for my H to "ask" to spend money. He was right, I have had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I neglected him emotionally. I hate to admit this, but I know I did it sometimes out of anger with him. If he wasn't doing things my way...well, basically I behaved like a brat. I was very focused on what I wasn't getting from him, and therefore anything positive from him was shrugged off. Just 2 weeks before the bomb, he woke up and stated " you snuggled up to me in the middle of the night"...he was shocked. Since my focus on DB'ing began July 1, I have forced myself to deliver our children to the OW's home where he lives, up to this point I refused and had family members do it. I was completely friendly, eye contact, and actually felt immediate results. Both face to face drop offs lasted 10 minutes, with the kids no where around. This hasn't happened for months. In fact, I have thought long and hard about my behaviors and noticed that over the last 8 months, I have created some good moments between us, one in March where he told me that no matter what he said he will always love me. But, gulp...although I achieve the good moment, I am terrified that the good reaction from H means that he is happy I have accepted the situation. So, I create a negative to remind him I am still hurt...then his response is to pull away. Arg, a bad cycle I have created. It feels great for a second to be negative, but then I start all over again. So, DB'ing in the last few weeks leaves me feeling less stressed, all communication has been positive, so therefore continue DB'ing.

[dj21]

oops. wanted to add. This is how I prepare for my kid exchange actions.
I have an index card that states my action goals. 1) eye contact 2) friendly, happy, smiles 3) NO reaction 4) 2 minutes, my goal of length of conversation. I place my card above my steering wheel as I make the 20 minute drive so I see it and I visualize his happy face smiling at me. It makes me feel happy and confident, and has worked each time. The eye contact is brief, but it was never there before, and when I get the eye contact I focus on thinking "I love you". I have left each time, saying to myself, that was great. I created a positive moment because I chose to.

[dj21]

So after a not so great session with my C I have decided that I need to cancel my future sessions. I have read many times that I needed to have a pro-M C, and I thought that I did. Until, yesterdays session. I haven't been to my C since reading and beginning the DB approach, I shared my goals and how hard it has been on a daily basis to look at things from a DB approach. The response was this " He's not interested in being married to you, he will probably always love you, but he has made his choice, you need to not put so much of your energy into hoping for something that won't happen. Instead put your energy into moving on, I feel like you're back sliding". I felt so defeated, even questioning myself a little. I have gone to this C for 2 years, my H and I went to this C for 6 sessions back in 2010 and at the end of our 6 sessions the C stated "you two are very much in love, contact me for an appointment if you feel you need further help", UH, okay. I don't like that feeling of someone else taking my hope and making me feel stupid. I don't like the way I have been feeling the past 8 months being bitter, angry, resentful, and full of blame. This new approach is so very difficult for me, but I feel better, and my teeny tiny results are of a positive nature. I have felt lighter and energized with the DB approach, and the online community. I have a little bit of guilt stopping with the C, but I cannot put myself in a situation where I am not supported with my decision, and hope to me is my decision.

[dj21]

Last night was a visitation for H. I followed my action plan and focused for my brief encounter. Whew. It went well but not as positive as the last visitations. H seemed agitated, our S14 chose not to go and so H asked where he was, I just replied back with "didn't he call you?" H replied back "does he even have his phone" I simply stated "yes". In my head I am telling myself DON'T REACT DON'T REACT, because what would have been typical is for me to tell H a long story on the why and how S14 chose not to come over and why H should contact him if he is curious and that there is a house phone he could call as well. That would have been my typical throw it in his face, place blame, be angry self. I didn't REACT. I let it go, kept being friendly and smiling and decided it isn't my issue to fix. H and S14 can call each other to figure things out. So in that aspect I felt I did well with my DB actions, I was fairly agitated after I left of course, all of my typical behaviors over taking my mind and fighting against this new process I logically know is better for me, but emotionally I struggle with daily. So, anyway...passing on thinking negatively. I had an event right after that kept my mind off of things and refocused me enough to relax a bit, and many hours later I was able to go to my solutions journal and process what went well and what was different from last time. It still went well, even though my mind was struggling with being my typical self, H didn't hear or see it. I kept it to myself. I acted different that I felt. What went different, was he was agitated at the beginning and I know I shouldn't analyze H, but in my solutions journal I also have a calendar on which I have circled every day the past 6 months that I have initiated contact with H. I wasn't focusing on going NC, my focus is to stop the reasons to contact to release my hurt. I have not gone a single stretch of more than 4 days without creating a reason to contact H. Since DB and creating my new focus, I haven't done it since the last visitation. So a total of 12 days. 12 whole days without me doing my typical behavior (contact to hurt), 12 days of not reminding H to dislike me, 12 days of choosing to let H be. I am proud and sad at the same time. It does feel good to act different, and then I am sad because I miss H. But the cold reality is I don't want my interactions with H to be what they have been, and I still missed H with my multiple negative contacts. I want something different, and better. I do feel like a split personality...I am so confident one moment and then struggling the next, I feel emotionally I am traveling down a dark road being blown from side to side, not having a clue how deep the ditch might be on each side...or for that matter if it just might be a cliff. I have my pick up tomorrow, I will re-focus for then. Sorry for my all over the place thought today...I am thankful for the outlet.

[dj21]

Re-reading about how to GAL...and I get it, I think. I am struggling, it is uncomfortable, and embarrassing to admit. I feel guilty, I am so woven into all of my activities being with kids, kids school, and home that I am not sure of what I like to do on my own. I do THINGS on my own, don't get me wrong I take time for myself away from the family unit, but I don't thing I am getting it the way I should be getting it. Jeesh, I am sure my post isn't even making sense. I am just confused and need some direction.

[needgrace]

hi dj21,

sorry you find yourself here.
but i am glad you found this board bc there are a lot of great people here.

GALing was difficult for me at first too. it is easy to have gotten so wrapped up in doing things w/ your family that you forget how to do things for and with yourself.

but it is also so important bc in GALing we rediscover the things we love about ourselves. for me it was hard initially bc i did not want to do anything..but i set some physical goals (i biked 62 miles one day around my birthday last year) and some social ones (meeting some new people, reaching out to at least one friend every day, trying a meditation group event.) The meditation event was helpful for my state of mind and i met some interesting people.

i think one of the keys for me was to think of it as taking one small step first so that i did not get overwhelmed... and then it grew from there. i am still working on it, i think it will be a lifelong process but taking it one step at a time was crucial.

((( )))

[dj21]

Frustration at its finest. That's me! My family pick up went well yesterday, I smiled, made eye contact, and kept the conversation light. No reactions. I also ended the conversation and stated I needed to go. Good actions, small baby steps. So here is my challenge today, our D18 got angry at me 2 months ago and moved in with her dad and OW, crushing me to say the least. Since then my H communicates to me using our D18, before DB'ing I constantly complained and said unless my H directly contacts me regarding our other children the answer will always be "NO". So, I am doing the opposite now and allowing our D18 to give me information from her dad. I find somehow to say "yes", when I want to say "no', and I have not once in the last 3 weeks said anything about my H needing to call me to arrange things directly to me. This is driving me completely insane, I hate it, I can feel the steam busting out of my ears each time it happens. Is this Db'ing? Is this an example of what I am supposed to do? b
Because it is something that drove my H crazy, he stated over the last few months that I was always dictating to him the hows and whens of things with our kids. I so hope this is what it is all about and I am on the right track, I have read and take to heart it isn't easy, I am just second guessing myself looking for validation that this is being unpredictable. Arrrg. deep breathing to focus.