Something The Boys And I Have Noticed

[AJM]

Tad, have you considered that your self-esteem (it's "self" for a reason) will stay that way until you take steps to change it?

What can you do to change it, Tad?

My first thought - make choices for you and you alone. Accept those choices and consequences. Own them.

That'll be a great first step if you ask me.

AJ

[AntoniaB]

I don't know if you're seeing a therapist or counselor or anything, but I'm with AJM...I'd go make an appt. and say "I want help to build my self-esteem." Nothing but that. Stop trying to fix a relationship that is over; fix you. Don't spend a minute in therapy on her. It's all you. My doctor was really good about this. She sort of steered me off my marriage/divorce and onto "what are your issues that have been with you your whole life; let's work on them." Since you know low self-esteem is the problem, hone in on that alone.

[tadpole1025]

Yeah, I get what you are saying AJ.

Antonia, I would go see a therapist, but honestly, I'm kind of afraid to. The one I went to after XW left I didn't like because I think he had his own agenda. The marriage counselor we went to see before XW left didn't do anything for us. Then I find out that she was on her 4th marriage!?!?!?! WTF?

I've had a couple of decent days, but something has been told to me over the course of the weekend that bothers me a little. S26 and S17 (who have both met OM) say he is "hot-headed" or "short-tempered." Now, I know it is not my "duty" or "responsibility" but if I ever hear of him putting a hand on her, I will gladly go to jail. I have no problem with that at all. But......it isn't my place anymore. What to do?

Tad

[job]

Tad,
A therapist shouldn't have a hidden agenda and now that you are divorced, you need someone to talk to. A therapist should be there to listen and guide you along the way. It helps to talk things out so that you can see where you are headed. Don't give up on therapists! There are some good ones out there.

Now about the om being hot headed...there's absolutely nothing you can do about that. If he lays a hand on her, that's their business. If he should lay a hand on your children, then you can step in...just leave the matter alone. She is no longer married to you and has made her bed, therefore she needs to sleep in it in order to determine that it's lumpy and not at all what she expected.

Tad, turn the focus back on to you...take care of Tad.

[tadpole1025]

You're right Snodderly. It is not my business or my concern.

I realized tonight that I am getting tired. Tired of everything. Tired of holding onto hope. Tired of her sh!t. Tired. Just tired......

X has been contacting S17 everyday this week. Wanting to know what he is doing and wanting to know if I am doing it with him...

I'm just tired....

I need some peace.

I need to feel better.

I need help.

[WenikiTiki]

Yes Tad, I know the feeling. And it all come back to the magic word: DETACH. And maybe anti-depressants. I have used both and they both help.

Don't let this define you. Seriously.

[Kimmerz]

Tad,
It can get exhausting, I understand that one completely.

Amazing how we need time and space from someone that ditched us and eating their dust as they tear down the road huh? LOL.

But I really understand, I've felt very smothered by XH, even though he's not here, it still feels like he fills every space in my life in one way or another at times.

If it's not the girls cell phones going off, even sometimes mine, then the kids are talking about him. If the kids aren't talking about him then family is talking about him.

At any rate Tad... How are you coming along in the most important relationship of all? With yourself? How is that going?

That's what Im working on. For me tad, once I started seeing the co dependency issues within myself, many other things started to unfold as to WHY I kept hanging on to a very unhealthy and abusive marriage.

Some things I was very co dependent on, and some others I wasn't. Co dependency is loving so much, it starts to hurt ourselves.

There is some stuff online by Melanie Tonia Evans. She specializes in recovery from narcissistic abuse relationships. Look her up and check her website and let me know what you think. Tons of reading material and so very helpful and healing.

best of luck

[AntoniaB]

Tad you said, "Antonia, I would go see a therapist, but honestly, I'm kind of afraid to. The one I went to after XW left I didn't like because I think he had his own agenda. The marriage counselor we went to see before XW left didn't do anything for us. Then I find out that she was on her 4th marriage!?!?!?! WTF?"

Couple of things here: the therapist who had his own agenda: depends what that agenda is. What was it? I know that in my case when I first went to therapy I wanted to just sit and vent a ton and get all this "explanation" from my therapist for my XH's behavior. It was like I wanted to use her to validate any theories I had going or to tell me I was right or wrong or that XH was out of line or crazy or whatever. She listened initially but soon resisted by saying things like "he's not my patient so I can't speculate." Or "he isn't the concern here; what he has done or is doing is not the point. What you are doing to heal yourself is."

Considering how much you still seem to want explanations or validations for your XW's behavior, I wonder if you see a therapist as someone whose job it is to do the same for you, to be a sounding board about HER instead of YOU.

Second point, when you mentioned the counselor who did nothing to fix your marriage--and then you found out she was on her 4th marriage...well, ok, again....this sort of speaks to you seeing a counselor as being tasked with fixing your marriage and fixing your XW so that she comes back. When that didn't work, you called the counselor out for being married often. I don't know that that's a bad thing. A person married several times probably has a lot of insight into what can and can't work in relationships. And even if her own life personally is a mess, that doesn't make her a bad counselor for other people. I mean, I haven't dated a ton in my life, and my marriage fell apart and I couldn't fix it, and yet all my girlfriends claim that I have THE BEST insight into dating and male/female relationships and are always asking me for advice.

I do think any counselor who promises to fix a marriage is on shaky ground, but I bet your counselor didn't make that promise. I don't think ANYONE could have fixed your marriage because your XW is so out there (like all our exes) and she must be let go to make her own mistakes.

What I'm getting at is that if you enter counseling with your own agenda, and that agenda includes fixing the marriage that just ended while she is planning to marry someone else, or trying to get her to see the error of her ways, or trying to just keep rehashing past stuff or to analyze her current behavior, then yes, counseling/therapy will be a total failure. Because again, this is focusing on her and not you.

Therapy is supposed to be entirely about YOU and YOUR problems. If you go into therapy saying "I need help to accept living without my XW and to accept and feel good about myself and boost my self-esteem", then therapy will be a tremendously different experience for you.

In my own experience, my therapists would only listen briefly to any past event and then steer me to "what are you doing for yourself TODAY" and "what will you do tomorrow to help yourself and build your own independent life." Because of this, therapy has helped me tremendously.

[AntoniaB]

Oh and as for the potential for your XW being in an abusive relationship, you going to jail to defend her "honor" would do nothing to bring her back, I'm sure. It would only cause havoc in your life. Ask yourself if you feel compelled to find out about anything in that regard and to act on it simply because you're searching for another way to prove to her that she should be with you. If that's the case, that's not a legitimate rationalization for already considering stepping into a situation that is not your business. She made her bed, Tad.

[tadpole1025]

Going to respond on my new thread. It can be found here:

My 22nd Thread

Check it out!

Tad