This is really happening

[jen73ia]

This marriage is a disaster. I have been consistent with my personal changes and have had several instances where I thought it was really working to create a positive climate between us....positive enough to make H rethink splitting up. I could not have been more wrong. We can have a very positive interaction one day and the next day his shield is up again. He says that as soon as he becomes a little bit optimistic, there's a little voice inside his head that says, "Don't be a fool! Things will only go back to the way they were." He has moved out of our bed for what seems for good now. We have told the children nothing.

He tells me his goal IS to have a healthy relationship, he just doesn't feel it can happen with me based on our past. I am trying to show him daily that I am a changed person and that I am capable of being the type of person he wants to be with. Not working. Our sitch is made complex by the fact that we live where he works....I will have to be the one that moves out when the time comes. And my youngest son loves it here. We live on a campground and I cannot take him away from this setting. Living in the place he does makes him so very happy.

I do not want a D at all. I stand to lose everything I love....my H and best friend, my kids (not custody-wise, but I do not want to move them out of this house), my pets, my life on this campground, my insurance, my job (the job I have does not provide enough consistent hours to allow me to get insurance), our van (the car I use has 200,000 miles on it), and my in-laws (yes, they do frustrate me, but I do love them). He loses almost nothing, except me, which is exactly what he wants. We live in a very small town so I am very limited in finding a place to live that isn't disgusting or tiny. I have no plans on helping facilitate this process. He needs to make all of those decisions. But at some point I'm sure I will need to move. It's going to get too hard for me to stay here and not go crazy.

I don't really know what my behavior toward him should be right now. My gut tells me to be positive and pleasant, but that generally leads to a pleasant interaction, which gives me hope, which is generally crushed to oblivion within the following 12 hours or so. So do I be as dark as possible while being in the same house?