more turtles by my side...

[zig]

and you make my heart swell with emotion - i've just been reading some of your posts to the others on the board. ng - you are so full of compassion and empathy - and you say the most beautiful things to make people feel better. I feel better reading what you wrote to them

hot damn - we are all so f'ing loverly!! our WAS's are bloody insane!!

we are definitely now persons who only a fool would leave.

if pema's coming to live with you, i'm coming too - you can't have her all to yourself , you know!! i agree though - pema's in my car too -she's been there for months, s listens sometimes and i think her soothing voice calms him down also

i didn't have a letdown after yesterday - i assume you're referring to the anniversary? it was strange - at some level i spent the day really facing the brutal reality of my sitch in a very calm way and also accepting on a much much deeper level that my marriage was over. i hadn't reached that depth before.

when i woke up this morning i thought i felt really fine, but then began to notice that i was a bit edgy. at first i wondered if it was about yesterday, but realized it really wasn't and then i was like, oh [censored] here we go again - next wave of inner crap about to emerge (grin).

i still didn't get what it was about. i sat down to reply to starsky who had asked me a few days ago what happened during the five years. i never did post that - i wrote so much and then suddenly stopped and all this new insight and realizations and anguish came up and i just had to let it flow through me and out.

pema says everything comes into your sacred circle to teach you something. when starsky started that conversation, that's what came to my mind and i had to wait until now to get ti. i'm not sure what the teaching is yet- it has to do with letting go of resentments. i learned for myself today that something i had really resented h deeply for - i saw in a completely new light and it helped me to let it go.

i also resolved another layer of the hurt and anguish from the sexual abuse - that was huge. months ago in march i thought i had dealt with most of it, but as i remove the layers one by one, it seems as if there is another waiting. but soon, i feel i will have got through to the deepest part of it and be able to fully let it go.

the anguish - is strange - it's not the anguish of it having happened - it's the anguish of realizing how my psyche took it on, what interpretations of life and beliefs it caused me to form and how impeding those were to myself and to all the people that have loved and known me all my life.

i have begun to see a pattern here -each time i let go that tiny bit more of h, there is a little space created, i think, which allows me to deal with some part of myself. and each time i deal with a little part, i get that tiny extra fragment of peace to go with it, and remove a tiny fragment of fear. so it's like rebuilding the jigsaw puzzle that is oneself - each piece you remove, you replace with a new one until when it is all done, there is a completely different self in place.

that was probably a lot more answer than you were expecting - obviously my talking mojo is back in action once again. whew - the last couple of days was afraid i was getting downright reticent


(((((((ng))))))) okay pass me a shot will you - i need a break from all this emotional crap