Marriage = busted. Help me bust my divorce too!!

[keep_going]

Hi RegretfulLA,

I am sorry to find you here and in this sitch. I can understand the pain you are in and the struggles you and your H have both endured.

I want to ask you a couple of questions that came to me while reading your thread and I hope you don't take offense.

The first one is - What do you really want? In other words, are you positively sure you want to save your M? From your writings I sometimes get that feeling, but then I doubt it. Why?

Because you say that you are hesitant to tell him you want a better, happier and stronger M because he is dead set on getting a D.
To me, regardless of what he wants now, the issue here is for you to tell him what you want and to show how remorseful you are for your indiscretions. I understand a fear of rejection. And I understand that your H is NOT innocent as to why your M was in trouble in the first place. BUT, you are the one that posted here, so if you want to save your M, you will need to grab the bull by the horns and do some tough work, because it will not be easy moving forward.

I hope this doesn't come across as too harsh. Just my impressions.

I also want to ask you if you have read any literature re. affairs and more specifically on the devastating effect that they have on our spouses. When a spouse feels betrayed (and each of us has a specific definition of what constitutes betrayal TO US), the pain is unbereable and even physical. I cannot even describe it here - yes, my H had an EA that then turned to a PA that is still going on). And as someone mentioned earlier here, an affair, even if emotional, is equally and sometimes even more destructive that a physical one. I completely agree.

Sorry, a bit of a 2x4 there, but I am done with that.

And so I want to strongly encourage you to get informed and read if you can, if not just for the simple reason that it might help you understand your H's perspective a bit better.

Having said that, I am 100% in agreement with you and others that you should NOT let him be a jerk to you. Healthy boundaries, as has been suggested here for how to step away from his anger are a must.

I wish you the best. Post often here - you will find the support you need. I admire your courage and desire to accept your mistakes and try to make your M work.

Hang in there.