Newbie and ready for hard work

[dj21]

I am so thankful for a positively focused place to participate in. My story seems typical like so many I have read here. I am 43 H is 43, a large family, M 21 years, T 24 years. The bomb 9/2011, he moved out 10/2011 OW, I filed D papers 02/2012, H moved in with OW 03/2012. I found the midlife forum 03/2012 and focused on letting H do his thing....then 06/2012 I found DB, ordered DB/DR and another one of the books. Thank goodness someone finally slapped me upside the head and dropped me on my hiney. HELLO, this isn't self blame, this is self realization. I have done multiple things to push my H away. He said he felt stuck, I packed his stuff, he never said divorce, but I filed. He came to our home every other weekend for our children and 2 week nights as well. I stopped all that, told him I wasn't going to make things convenient for him. Bad move...could have had some good opportunities. I found reasons to contact him, just so I could remind him of how he hurt me and our family, these occured weekly, YUCKY. Thank goodness, DB found me...I was angry as I read DR, I actually put it down numerous times, my complete thought process was "his fault", "mlc", "why me", "how could he", bla bla bla....Never did I look at me. So here I am, selective on the posts I read, focused on staying focused, and completely confident that it is never too late and I can give myself the chance to reconstruct my marriage. My goals for now are 1) eye contact, I only see him on visitation days every other weekend. 2) No matter what, do not react 3) Happy, light and friendly, I get minimal time...don't waste it being easy to dislike. 4)NO texting, emails, calls, unless it is urgent about children. I know these are basic, but for me, they are difficult. I have been mean and vindictive out of pain. I will not always be so confident in my ability to see this through, but I trust that this DB will be my personal lighthouse as I make some changes in myself that will contribute possitively towards my ultimate goal.