Cripes! I think I'm getting somewhere, but I don't like it. Anger comes "after" denial right? If that's the case, then full steam ahead towards progress with ME!
Sleeper - I don't choose to dream of my W. I have the misfortune of trying to find the triggers that spawn such fun dreams. Back in HS I recall having my first 'lucid' dream and I've been intrigued, to say the least, about dreams ever since. I have a very strong recollection of my dreams and I can often find what it was that happened or what "thought" during the day kicked off my subconcious. Where my W is concerned, I don't know. The dreams had been erratic and 1-2 times a week for months. Eh.....
You all bring up interesting points that offer me knew paths of thought. I have been to a L and I know I'm in a lose-lose situation. The L said the same thing about the car - does she really need that car? I don't care either way I guess since the law will ultimately prove to her what I can or can't do. I don't have any inheritance waiting for me, I've worked for what I've earned and I've never asked anyone for a free ride so she can only take what I can give. I'm not sorry if that doesn't work out for either of us.
Am I angry? Yep. I knew it was just a matter of time before she would have something to say to me after all the paper work I provided her. She zeroed in on the fact that I should have said something about buying new school shoes for the kids because she had a coupon ( which EA/OM has gotten for her the last few years ). That's not what bothers me. What bothers me is that she's going to go school shopping for the kids and send me the receipts so I can see how much she spent when we split the difference. I don't mind splitting the cost, but where did she see in all the papers I gave her that I have ANY money?! When does she think it's going to magically appear for me to pay her back when she needs it?!
That's where my anger is coming from. I sacrifice my word by continually jumping on the grenade and my word still gets cast to the side as if she's swatting at a gnat.
I'm also aware that I'm having a bit of difficulty trying to get past what S12 said to me the other day. He's angry that I care about his mom even though she talks bad about me to others. I never told him I care about her, but I'm not telling him right or wrong on that - kids don't need to hear that and I don't like lying about it either. I don't care what my W says to others because even if she didn't say anything to anyone I'd still be the bad guy.
I got upset with S12 yesterday when EA/OM's son asked if S12 wanted to come with him somewhere. S12 did what he's always done and said he couldn't because we're going somewhere. I told him, as I always do, if you don't want to do something don't lie about it! Just say you don't want to! So as I expected, EA/OM sent me a text asking if S12 wanted to come with them. UGH!!! That insufferable man and his kids never take 'no' for an answer. I replied back that S12 said he didn't want to go, he wanted to wait for his mom. That's when I got upset with S12. I told him that he needs to stop using me as an excuse. "We're" not going anywhere and saying that we are makes a liar out of me. When he's being dishonest, I get a text from EA/OM or my W. I calmed my voice when trying to address him with reason - If he's so concerned about how his mom talks bad about me to these people, then why would he lie and tell them something that implies that I'm involved in his decision or making it for him?
He seems to understand, but I doubt it. EA/OM, his family and his and my W's friends all treat me with white gloves as if they expect to see something from me similar to how horrible his soon to be XW treats him. It's so condescending and I've never in my life been like that. I'm eternally grateful that I have very limited interaction with any of them.
S12 concluded the other day that everyone liked me until his mom started talking bad about me. I don't know what that means since I don't know what she says, but as far as I'm concerned, their idiots for believing 1 side of the story. I have nothing to say to anyone ( except here ), so my W must be right. That kind of logic is how cults are formed. Idiots.
I am angry and I am focusing on it because I want to burn it out of me. Right or wrong, I'm trying things for the sake of trying so for now I'm stoking my inner fire in hopes of seeing the dawn of a new day - before next semester starts. S12 keeps telling me that his mom won't listen to him when he tries to talk to her about his feelings. She constantly pops off about - "You don't know what your dad did to me." He asked me what that meant and I told him that aside from not being there for her all the time due to my being selfish and lazy, I have no idea. I never insulted her, harmed her or cheated on her so I have to take her word for it. Whatever that is. - That's the most insight I've given S12. He asked and I answered as best I could with what little I know about her line of reasoning.
As for my statement about letting me go.....it's for whatever is keeping me in this game. I'm not asking my W to let me go, she already has. I'm addressing me and my faith. Do I feel obligated to be there for her? I don't know, but I do know I can't seem to go dark enough since there has to be some interaction with her regarding the kids. I do not text her unless it's in reply to something she needs an answer to and I do not call her, EVER, unless I'm returning a call I missed. I have no guilt and no desire to have any communication with her. What frustrates me is that no matter how many times I say I want out, to be free of this, something gets triggered that makes me doubt that I do. I don't know what that is, but I want it to please stop. How can I not care, but not be capable of letting go? What's doing this to me?
As I seek out answers in me and with MLC I wonder if it's because of what I do know that is holding me back. I can't really say. We know there's a playbook that MLC-ers follow and we live that fact daily. I could probably argue that there's a similar playbook for those of us left behind. I'm in a hurry to get off this train my W is on because I know she can never get off with me on there with her. I don't believe I'm on the train so much as my W sees me there. I haven't turned that corner yet. I'm not free.....
I'm reading what I've written over and over and already I'm not angry anymore, but I'll leave the exclamation points in anyways. I want to stay dark for now. Funny thing about that is that I do believe it's pi$$ing my W off even more. At times it feels like she thinks I'm playing a game or purposely isolating her and making it harder on the kids by showing them that we don't like each other or something. It's my fault the marriage didn't work. It's my fault if the kids grow up unstable. Whatever......
