Needing some guidance... 5

[jks]

I was thinking about your sitch just now, jks. You know, if you see moving as a way to get OW out of your life it may not work that way.

If it does take me away from having to hear about her on a weekly basis... it is enough for me. Hearing about the birthday party details that my H and children did for her just recently really put me over the edge. I have lost so much respect for this man. Filing for D doesn't bother me so much anymore. I'm looking at this as an opportunity not an end.

If I only have to hear about her once or twice a year, I can handle that. Every week right now is a bit much. I am falling out of love. How can I love someone who does this to me repeatedly? I really don't think I can look at him right now and say "I love you." I loved who he used to be but he doesn't want to be that person anymore. And I have no right to want to change him or make him be something that he truly feels he is not.

I would have loved the opportunity to have been able to recognize faults from both sides and worked harder within our R to make it work for both of us. And a lot of what DB'ing is about is being willing to do the work ALONE to pull your M back together. I'm losing that will to do it alone anymore.

Just being honest today. And I know I'll get more 2x4's from everyone. I'm just so turned off by all of this behavior from H and his family that I don't have a desire to fight for it anymore.

But I do see the importance of GAL. I have felt the difference in me when I'm out there doing these things. And I feel like I can still get a D and still GAL. That would most definitely still continue. It more and more is starting to feel like this is my direction. I think about it always. I don't want to make any sudden decisions but, honestly, is this sudden? I mean, how long have I been feeling this way? Quite a while.

I will continue to educate myself of the consequences and the rights I have legally to be able to move with my children. It's going to be difficult... I know this. But my life is already insanely difficult. And even if H and I chose to get back together it would be insanely difficult. There's no easy way... I get this.