So I had a little moment. a second thought. It isn't pursuit...he opened up to me and said something nice and without realising it I was reinforcing an old pattern of when he was emotionally available basically saying "oh don't be so silly"

I sent him another text and said you have always been incredibly supportive of me. You met me when my career was going from bad to worse and you knew always believed I was better than (where I was working) I told him thank you for saying that I should be proud of myself but I hope he knows that I couldn't have gotten to where i am if it hadn't been for him so thank you. really.

I don't know if I'll get a response but I think it needed to be said. For a very long time I took his support for granted. And the truth is I don't really mind if he replies or not. It's a bit like when I sent him that text on S's birthday maybe it's making ammends but it needed to be said.

My dad rang me the other day and said he'd found some books I'd sent him that were about something he and I had shared and I told him how that exp had really shaped me and pushed me into the field of work I'm in. I'd sent this to my dad AGES ago, YEARS ago, and he was just now able to say hey, thanks for saying that, I love you, i'm proud of you. So maybe H won't reply, maybe it'll take him years to be able say I'm glad you sent that text. But I'm not looking for a reaction I needed to say that.

The old Brit dismissed anyone that said anything too nice about her. Because I didn't believe those things about myself. And if you thought too much good stuff about me then you must not be that smart because I'd been able to pull the wool over your eyes. And so it got to where I treated H badly for being my cheerleader because I didn't believe deep down that I was a good person to cheer for. And now I feel like I need to tell him that I appreciate him always believing in me especially when he didn't get much of an incentive to.

okay that's enough heavy sh*t for a Tuesday I'm off to have a glass of wine in the summer sunshine. I love long long nights!