I had chat with an older wiser friend who is an IC not my IC just an IC. She was saying how much this next two weeks will be needed for me. Living away from home, working with new people, new experiences etc. She (and another older lady I work with) both said they have a feeling I'll meet someone while I'm there. Say WHAAAAAAAAAA? I'm not shutting the windows...just being open to what comes my way.
I have had very little contact with H since last week. I don't know....I'm not TRYING to have contact, but I'm not trying to NOT have contact if you know what I mean. If that's confused you I don't blame you! I sent him a text tonight just about S and told him of my travel arrangements. He replied "You should be very proud, have fun" I thought that was nice. Of course Brit's such a tough b*tch she replied "of him? of me? haha I am thank you" I think it's funny that in June when he got all personal saying he was proud of my accomplishments it made me shakey and uncomfortable and this time it just felt like over kill and out of place.
I've been feeling a bit restless and almost slightly anxious. What's funny is before these feelings would have worried me...I would have analysed H and I's non contact for ages, I would have worried if I was coping as good as I (or everyone here seems to) think I am, I would have wondered if the anxiety was going to spiral like it was previously...and now I'm floating like Grace, swimming like Zig....I'm not concerned and even more am I not concerned but I've learned through reading and followers other's sitches that when you drop the rope even more, when you allow yourself to stop clinging to that branch in the rough water (whoever wrote that on someone's thread months ago...it has stuck with me...such a great analogy) anyway I know that it's a better plateau, a stronger place it's just a little tough to get there.
So I had a little moment. a second thought. It isn't pursuit...he opened up to me and said something nice and without realising it I was reinforcing an old pattern of when he was emotionally available basically saying "oh don't be so silly"
I sent him another text and said you have always been incredibly supportive of me. You met me when my career was going from bad to worse and you knew always believed I was better than (where I was working) I told him thank you for saying that I should be proud of myself but I hope he knows that I couldn't have gotten to where i am if it hadn't been for him so thank you. really.
I don't know if I'll get a response but I think it needed to be said. For a very long time I took his support for granted. And the truth is I don't really mind if he replies or not. It's a bit like when I sent him that text on S's birthday maybe it's making ammends but it needed to be said.
My dad rang me the other day and said he'd found some books I'd sent him that were about something he and I had shared and I told him how that exp had really shaped me and pushed me into the field of work I'm in. I'd sent this to my dad AGES ago, YEARS ago, and he was just now able to say hey, thanks for saying that, I love you, i'm proud of you. So maybe H won't reply, maybe it'll take him years to be able say I'm glad you sent that text. But I'm not looking for a reaction I needed to say that.
The old Brit dismissed anyone that said anything too nice about her. Because I didn't believe those things about myself. And if you thought too much good stuff about me then you must not be that smart because I'd been able to pull the wool over your eyes. And so it got to where I treated H badly for being my cheerleader because I didn't believe deep down that I was a good person to cheer for. And now I feel like I need to tell him that I appreciate him always believing in me especially when he didn't get much of an incentive to.
okay that's enough heavy sh*t for a Tuesday I'm off to have a glass of wine in the summer sunshine. I love long long nights!
I don't think what you did is pursuing because you didn't send it with a pre-meditated expectation of a reply or type of reply from your H.
You wanted to say thanks for something good that you recognise that your H did for you, that you maybe didn't feel you showed your appreciation for previously.
Absolutely nothing wrong with that, us fellas like it when we are told we did something good, it beats the sh*# out of criticism
I hope you enjoyed the wine & the light night
Bill
Me 34 W 32 D 9 S 6 M: 9 years T: 12 Bomb: 02/11/12 EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing Moved out: Oct 2012 Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13
The old Brit dismissed anyone that said anything too nice about her. Because I didn't believe those things about myself. And if you thought too much good stuff about me then you must not be that smart because I'd been able to pull the wool over your eyes. And so it got to where I treated H badly for being my cheerleader because I didn't believe deep down that I was a good person to cheer for. And now I feel like I need to tell him that I appreciate him always believing in me especially when he didn't get much of an incentive to.
I know you noticed this a while back about "the old Brit". And I'm really happy that you chose to practice the GOOD habit of accepting and gratefully acknowledging appreciation (especially) when it is sincere (and even if it might not be, believe in yourself anyhow and accept it), no matter what you used to think about yourself and your (very real and valid) accomplishments.
^^^ I agree, and i'm taking KD's message for myself too.
we are cut off the same cloth, brit - you were exactly me in that description. how many times have i blown people off who tried to praise me. it's like we couldn't hear it and as you said, because we didn't believe that of ourselves.
even now, i get uncomfortable- and find it hard to acknowledge when i do good stuff and someone is telling me that i am. good reminder to keep practicing that
hey - don't give tuesdays a bad rap (grin) a tuesday is as good as any other day to got through some self-awareness [censored]. hey - just occurred to me - i did, too - does it have something to do with us both being sags?
btw - one of our horoscopes said that in the next few weeks, we sags are privy to some heavy duty insights coming our way - us special ones!!
so get ready DB'ers - brit and i are going to be laying it on heavy in the insight dept.
hey brit - you getting a load of those divers in those skimpy swimsuits yet? ogle ogle??
((((( ))))) zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
So time for a new thread and I think I am certainly ready for one. Don't know when I'll post it but I had a dream last night and a revelation. It was all about me settling with H, H's chronic avoidance, and me walking through to the next phase alone. I woke up to a random text from H asking me how my driving license testing was going.....at 7 in the morning??
I loved loved loved Grace's analogy of the golden gate bridge. Lawd knows sometimes mine has felt like a rickety swing bridge over a gorge like something out of temple of doom. But she's right there's something on the other side..and I can't get there still carrying any hope or expectation with H.
I read Kaffe and JTB dicussion on LRT and I don't like to use the word Technique but yes I think I am finally at my last resort....but I'm thinking of it as a holiday resort in my head (filled with belly dancers in novelty underpants, picnics, turtles, honey badgers, and all the other wonderful things we've cracked up about here)
I am finally 100% completely okay with him never coming back and never having a second look.
I always said that I wanted to be happy in the knowledge that I tried to give it another shot. And not only am I happy with that I'm proud that I had to the courage to admit my mistakes, take responsibility for my actions, create my own "cooling off" period, learn meditate and grow. I'm able to look back and think I was the stronger person because I was willing to try. He wasn't even willing to try because he was scared it would be more of the same.
So I have a date planned in a few days with a guy who wanted to go out with me a few months ago and I said no because of where I was at in life (I didn't tell him that) I have no expectations. He is a bit older, but I'm looking at dating in a way I didn't before. They aren't all interviews to become Mr 45, they could turn out to be a new friend. He lives near where I'll be based so I said hey if you're free do you want to meet up for coffee.
And no Vera you won't be seeing me on telly. Although if I do see a camera I'll be sure to flash the secret DB bat signal....What is that again? haha Zig don't even get me started on the young divers, and the cyclists, and the runners, and the rowers, okay enough! haha
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
