Need help with detaching and hoping to reconcile.

[lillystillinlove]

Originally Posted By: greatwhitenorth
Sorry...bit of a hijack.

No problem, it all data I can use to better understand my situation.

Originally Posted By: greatwhitenorth
Questions is whether there is anything in H's email that you can build from. I think so, and you've heard most of it before.

1. He feels pushed. Back off any R talk, any MC/IC talk, any questions for him that don't relate directly to your son.

Are you saying stop going to MC? Outside of MC we only talk about our son unless he brings up another topic. We rarely speak, if at all, of our R out of session. He prefers not to because of my reactions is session. He's not sure how to handle me. I've never been this way before, very out of character for me.

Originally Posted By: greatwhitenorth
2. His C sessions. Avoid putting your M in his head as fodder for these. If, as he says, his IC is focused on him, let that be. If you stop pushing your M, he will probably stop talking about it. Until, of course, the fog begins to lift and he begins to remember the good and the value of your life together. And that's a different conversation. No guarantee, but if you bring his focus to your M when things are bad, nothing good can come of it.

Never thought of it that way,I took all of this C as a means to an end, the marriage repaired. I hoped he would work out other things too only colored by the lens of working things out. Unfortunately he's stopped going to IC for now.

Originally Posted By: greatwhitenorth
3. His feeling rejected. You will need to be subtle about this and expect a long road. Figure out his Love Language and use it to your advantage.

I'll get the book to verify, but I think I have that one pegged. Physical Affection. The problem there is that I can't use it at all, he won't let me near him.

Originally Posted By: greatwhitenorth
4. Telling him you will eventually date. STOP! His response suggests that he still does care for you and value your M. Run with the bull, you'll get the horns. And you don't want'em. Jealousy won't work at this stage.

Not what I said but that is what he heard. I wasn't going for jealousy not in my nature, it's more his game. The first statement was in regards to the changes I've made and that even if we are not together, I may at some point in the future, be in a relationship that I need to be healthy for. The changes I've made are not exclusively for him but for my son and for me also. The dating statement was an attempt to ease my mind after he moves out. I asked that dating be off the table while we are trying to figure this out and that any new relationship has the potential to hurt our son. He is already away from home so much adding that to his list of obligations would leave our son even less time to spend with him.

Originally Posted By: greatwhitenorth
5. Your lack of desire for sex. Do you fully understand the root of this? Yes, you were depressed, but in my mind depression is a context not a reason. For some reason(s) you didn't want him to get close. What are those reasons? Have you worked through them? Were there other ways you pushed him away? I feel strongly about this because my H pushed all intimacy with me away, and a couple of months ago admitted to "every time you tried to get close to me I'd push you away. I hated what my behavior was doing to you. I wish you had met me after I dealt with all my issues." If you look closely you might find that you pushed him away in more ways than one.

When my H and I met I was working through problems stemming from childhood sexual molestation. Dealing with male authority figures was not a happy thing for me and being in the military at the time did not bode well for my state of mind. H was great about the situation. I figured a lot of that stuff out at the time and was able move on. I think. There are so many pieces and parts to this story that I don't know if any of it is correct so there are a lot of maybes here and what would be considered excuses. H did start feeling like and authority figure, I rebelled early on in the marriage (he still is hurt by it) but after a while I started to submit to his will but I was am the authority figure when it come to sex with me. Not a conscious decision for sure but I could see how, with my history , it may have contributed. Then more stuff, daily 2.5 hour commute (RT) working long hours in a salaried position, sleep starts to win over intimacy and sex. Lucked into a job that allow me to work from home and pay more, sweet! I am pregnant? what? ok... sweet, lets do this! Difficult pregnancy then Post Partum depression. Now I have 2 full time jobs, and no energy due to sleep deprivation, sex? really? you gotta be kidding! Then, when our son is 6 months old my knee gives out and after surgery something got screwed up, my leg is paralysed from the knee down, depression sets in for the long haul. Now I have depression PT, Baby, Job, I'm fat, have a nerve damage in my leg and I have the lions share of the domestic duties. I sought help again for the depression and took meds, was convinced there was something physically wrong too. Yes, lots of contributing factors. Then all the stuff that lead up to this point. Since the bomb the depression is better, even in this situation, due to stronger meds and a Dr that found the physical contributing factors and my leg is better, lost weight have more energy. I grown a lot and learned a lot over the past few years. I understand now that not having sex, regardless of the situation or my history was wrong, I actually was trying to work on this prior to all of this but he was already done and I didn't have the right tools in place to try and fix it then. Tired of reading yet?? I know, everything listed he knows and bringing them up sound like excuses.

Originally Posted By: greatwhitenorth
6. "I want to be happy, I deserve to be happy." This is classic WAS, depression. He will eventually realize that happiness comes from inside. He needs to travel that path unhindered.


He actually mentioned that once very early on, I do think there is a lot of truth in that. He thought it was a culmination of events, he feels his body is falling apart on him, MLC, his 49th BDAY, me... He is definitely depressed but resistant to admit it. I hope he realizes that, I'm working on that myself. As for the path he's traveling, I'm making it bumpy. I need to stop that.

Originally Posted By: greatwhitenorth
7. Your separation. Sounds like it's a trial separation. That's good. It is possible that he's trying to lessen the blow for you, but let's assume he's being honest. Dig in your heels and become the awesomest Lilly imaginable! Find your power, find your happy, be someone everyone wants to be around. It's gonna be tough as nails, but you can do it. Fake it 'til you make it.

I'll try to remember to trust his word, that it temporary.

I'm on that path now GWN, yes it is hard and yes I'm faking a lot of it right now.

Originally Posted By: greatwhitenorth
I told H that I love him so I am willing to give him what he wants, and wish him peace, strength and happiness. We rarely see each other, and last time I saw him he looked very much like a troubled man. BUT he is now working on his issues. I believe that once he deals with everything he will be a completely different person, and know that it will take a long time. I also told him that if everything I've gone through means that he's finally getting the help he needs then I'd do it all again tomorrow. That, to me, is love.

It's tough, but you need to let your H go knowing that it comes from a place of love and trust. Then you dig in and focus on you. Your self control regarding communication with your H will develop over time. You've got a lifeline in this board.


I know intellectually what you are saying is the right thing to do, I just haven't gotten there, my heart is overwhelmed.

Originally Posted By: greatwhitenorth
Kudos for not sending the email.
Kudos for getting out of the spying game with OW's H.
Don't think about your H and the OW.

Work on forgiving your H's transgression. (BTW I don't agree with Bond that "it's no wonder" he stepped out. His choice is not your fault or your responsibility. Your H could have chosen to express to you the direness of the situation, but instead he chose to go outside the M. His choice. But to err is human and to forgive divine.) That doesn't mean it's OK, it doesn't mean you don't care and it doesn't mean you're not hurt. It just means that you have chosen not to carry around the anger. It's hard but it's necessary for moving forward.


Thanks for the kudos. As for forgiveness, I'm close, I don't dwell on the A too much, I know the why and my part in it. I agree, the choice was his to make and I take no responsibility for that. I think I'll know when I'm ready, it's will be when I no longer get that punch to my chest when "old times" come up. They were such a big part of our lives that it pains me to relive them in discussions. I am really working on me but I see how easy it is to slip into old, well established habits.

Originally Posted By: greatwhitenorth
Check out the book Depression Fallout (I forget the author). It's about the impact of depression on relationships. Lots of insight.


I will, looks like I have my summer reading list. I considered 50 shades but it would be pointless right now! I don't need to add to my frustration.

Originally Posted By: greatwhitenorth
Keep posting, and let me know if you get the tattoo and piercing!

I will!!

Thanks so much GWN. This is good stuff and a lot to think about.