My H knows my amazon password. I suppose I could change it; I've been changing all my passwords as I get around to it. It's too bad it's come to this.
If he asked me about the book I'd have no problem explaining what it's about and why I bought it, but I don't want him to find out about it and get concerned.
My H also has said he wants to keep things fair, and so do I, but the difference is H believes he knows what is fair, and I'm afraid I don't. And in the end, we may not agree on what is fair, even though we both agree in concept on being fair.
I'm excited to meet the financial planner Thursday - I feel good about taking responsibility for my finances.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Change your password. No need to risk him seeing that title. You want to get your ducks in a row, without tipping your hand that you're starting to think about fighting for your fair share.
Your lawyer should be able to give you an idea of what's reasonable in your state. Always start by asking for more, so you have room to negotiate, but also have an understanding of what would likely be awarded if you went to court - the goal being to stay out of court, of course.
OK, changed password, purchased mailbox, opened accounts and credit card. Getting prepared. I can always close them all back up if we R.
The book was really helpful. Still can't believe this will happen, but it's no time to bury my head in the sand.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Oh hi BklynMom! Rick's here already too (1963). I'm still hanging out in newcomers mostly, but my H has shown no signs of second thoughts as the decisions he's making are becoming more concrete (talking with lawyers, talking about splitting the money and where the kids will stay). It seems like a foregone conclusion, but I continue hoping he notices that things are different and better.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Wondering how people avoid future problems. How can things be set up to create as few opportunities for friction as possible?
My sister was divorced about 10 years ago or so from a doctor, she was a SAHM, and they had three kids. My sister's understanding from the beginning was that H was financially responsible for the girls. He paid tuition for the first two, and now that the last is headed to college he called up my sister and asked for 1/4 the tuition by August 8 please.
My sister confided in me and was eating herself up with guilt and worry and confusion about the right thing to do. Wondering why after all these years he still is calling and asking for money she just doesn't have. Should she tap her retirement account? What about the vacation and new car he just bought for his 2nd wife?
I was talking with my H about this concern I have and how we avoid this, these unnecessary requests for money back and forth, and this feeling of resultant ownership over the other's life decisions, vacations, expenses etc.
H almost predictably took my sister's x's side in this question, and felt it was both their fault that their kids grew up spoiled and expecting everything to be paid for them. The XH shouldn't have to be expected to pay today's much higher tuition costs in full just because he could afford to pay his older kids' costs. And didn't my sister just send $1000 to her oldest who is jobless and keeps asking for handouts? If she can afford that she should be able to afford to help out with her youngest (much more deserving) tuition.
We kind of role played it back and forth and we both think in the same situation we'd agree that the kid needs to take a student loan. H doesn't believe there's any way to avoid this x to x interaction because you can't predict how costs will go up over time. I think the one worst thing in all of it is that they haven't agreed not to use the kid as a pawn, and the XH told his D to call her mom and tell her dad needs the money. So my sister is now worried she'll look like the bad guy and her D will be mad at her for hurting her dad. Awful. I told my H I hope we can agree to never put the kids in the middle like that.
I wonder if this is just a necessary fact of life as a divorced couple or if people find ways to plan so that when they're separated they're as completely separated as possible to avoid this stuff.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
My ex still drops money bombs on me. He only throws the divorce decree in my face when it comes to holiday time with the kids. I don't know if everything can be foreseen when you are going through a divorce. I wanted college included in the decree but my L wouldn't do it...I forget the reasoning.
Can't wait until our youngest, just turned 12 is out of school and then I won't have to deal with him much. We can talk like we always did so that part is good but my ex isn't much of a planner so I do get some surprises now and then.
Are your sisters kids not working? I lived at home during school so yes my parents supported me but I worked full time, paid all of my college expenses, paid my own car expenses and health insurance once I came off of my parents coverage. Tell the kid to pay it.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
FWIW - my ex insisted on having something in the divorce decree that committed us both to a fixed share of undergrad college costs for our three. The lawyers actually kind of discouraged it, but he insisted (I didn't have a problem with it). I'm sure my ex wanted to be protected against me flaking out on my share.
But now, I'm glad he put it in there, because he's being SO cheap with our kids who are not currently in college. I can only imagine how hard it would have been to get him to pony up his share of college if it wasn't in writing.
