Piecing - Round 1

[GH31]

G'day Denver,

Good to hear from you and to get something of an update.

All sounding very familiar I have to say although your wife is considerably more remorseful and contrite than mine was at the beginning of us recovering. I really do think you have an excellent opportunity here to make your marriage better than it has ever been.

The other thing that has happened since i last posted is that W has notified the owner of the music company that she works for that she will no longer take gigs that OM is on.

Mate, this is huge. The fact that she herself is taking the initiative to end contact. Mine did not do this. OM dumped my W when it became apparent she was pregnant with my baby. In the end it was conversations I had with OM that persuaded him to change all his numbers, email addresses and call the police to make sure W wouldn't hassle him anymore. My Mrs. left OM to come back to me but still wanted contact with him and to keep the fantasy (addiction) alive. As you can imagine this was a big deal breaker for me and her ego was severely damaged from being thrown on the sh*t pile.

For those of you who don't know or don't remember, my W is a professional vocalist and OM is a ridiculous trumpet player. They typically have half a dozen or so shows together ever year. She will no longer be doing this.

Again, huge.

OM texted W yesterday... "Am I allowed to ask how you and SS are doing?"... W did not respond to it. Later, he texted again... "K. Guess not."

Any chance you could change the cell phone number? The inconvenience would last 2 weeks maximum after which everyone you'll want to hear from will have her number.

W was honest and forthright about the contact.

Excellent.

Oh, and I forget if I mentioned this or not, but OM tried to friend me on FB last week.

What an absolute pathetic excuse for a human being.

Agree with this mostly. At the end of the day, I did have to do what you quote below. BUT, that was after months and months of showing my W that I had changed, that I did take responsibility for my role in the breakdown in the M, that I was sorry for that, and that I was capable of letting her have the time necessary to forgive me and grow as a person herself.

The same was so for me. I had spent a couple of months showing my wife with actions that I understood why she was hurting so much and that I wouldn’t ever repeat those errors with her or any other woman. I too ensured (without saying the words) that she sensed a sincere change by spending time with me. The more pleasant I made the interactions, the more interactions she wanted to have. My W needed time too and moreover I needed the solitude bigtime in order to confront all my demons. I couldn’t have done it if I were with her.

If I had done what I did at the beginning of May and asked for a D, or if I had said what you quote below GH, say a year ago, my M would have ended.

Mine would as well. The only reason I took a very strong stand with my wife was we reached the stage where she said she was going to come home and “work on us”, set a date .... and decided to go on a last fling trip with OM instead. She then tried to move the dates and I said ”No darling, I am going back to Australia as I said I would if you didn’t come. We will have no communication until you’re 0% or 100% sure you want out marriage”. So I left our rented apartment in Berlin, flew back to Australia and went pitch dark. I didn’t check emails for weeks and did not respond to her many texts.

My M needed a period of me letting W live her life and figure things out on her own. And while she did that, I ate a huge sh*t sandwich much of the time.

LOL! Sounds very familiar. Man I swallowed a lot of sh*t!! Breath must have stunk for a good few months thereafter.

Actually why am I laughing about that? Will take it as a good sign that the trauma has passed.

Had a hiccup on Saturday night. At dinner a picture that SS had taken with our governor came up. It was taken during a time when W and I were not talking. I asked SS where the picture was taken. I was just wondering and showing my interest in how he had gotten to do that. Well, it was taken during an outing that W and SS had had with OM. SS came up with a pretty elaborate lie about the circumstances of the picture. I knew right away and didn't ask any more questions. When SS and his friend went to the bathroom, W told me the actual story of what had happened. Really not a big deal.

But... the conversation triggered thoughts in my head, which led to me becoming distant for the rest of the evening. When we got back to the hotel W and I stepped outside and ended up in an argument. As much as I tried not to, I ended up telling her how I felt about the whole situation with OM.

Trust me, Denver. You will be triggered again.

Expect it, accept it and above all else be prepared for it. I found it really helped to identify what my triggers were and to mentally rehearse how I would respond. I would usually gently cup my wife’s head and whisper in her ear ”I am about to explode and need to go for a walk before I say or do something I regret.” or I would simply remove myself from the situation and go surfing, running, ring a mate – whatever I had to do. You’ll likely slip up again and your instinct will be to go and rehash everything but have a plan in place for when that happens. If you slip up (and you will) get back on the wagon as soon as you can.

We obviously will never agree about what to call that R, so I don't know why I did this.

I do.

You did it because you were triggered, and it will happen again.

Hang in there Denver. Keep the prisoner’s thought process in mind. Escaping is not the hardest part, staying free is. The good thing is that it gets much, much easier with time as more great experiences are added to your memory banks and the resentment fades.

Best,

GH31.