It has helped me a lot to read other peoples stories and know that I am not alone. To know that what I see happening to my husband is not all in my mind. To get as much info on MLC as possible and try to understand it as much as possible. I still struggle with hurt and anger all the time. We can try to detach as best we can, but at the end of the day, we are only human too.
RH, it has been 6 long months since my H has asked me to do anything. 6 months of him sleeping on the couch. 6 months of zero physical affection. So I basically haven't had a H for a half of a year.
Some days are definitely tougher than others. We did nothing for our 10 year wedding anniversary. My birthday is at the end of August, and its anyone's guess what that will bring!
In the meantime, I feel a shifting inside of me. While I still love my H with all my heart, I am beginning to entertain the idea of what my life would be like without him. Maybe that's because I feel like I've already been living without the man I married.
I may have my moments of sadness and doubt, but I am also coming to an understanding that if things dont work out in our M, I am not going to lose my H... He is going to lose ME. And I am not sure he has even remotely considered this as a possibility.
We are going to get through this one way or another ladies. There may not be a light at the end of their tunnel, but there is at ours.
Let's keep moving towards the light
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
In the meantime, I feel a shifting inside of me. While I still love my H with all my heart, I am beginning to entertain the idea of what my life would be like without him. Maybe that's because I feel like I've already been living without the man I married.
I may have my moments of sadness and doubt, but I am also coming to an understanding that if things dont work out in our M, I am not going to lose my H... He is going to lose ME. And I am not sure he has even remotely considered this as a possibility.
We are going to get through this one way or another ladies. There may not be a light at the end of their tunnel, but there is at ours.
Let's keep moving towards the light
Yes!
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Tvs, six months is ever so long to go without any physical affection. Idk how you manage to stay calm and together! That would drive me crazy!
Time for a funny story?
Around February or so when H was pressing me for the okay to have a separation I went to see a T. One visit, awful advice. But T suggested meeting H in a bar and pretending I didn't know him and flirting with him.
Soon after, I was having my hair done and the stylist and I were somehow discussing wigs. She & I came up with the crazy idea to surprise H with a wig on a date! (instead of the bar idea) At the time H & I were still having special weekly dates. (oh, so long ago...)
So....I bought a Raquel Welch wig styled after the "personal assistant" pic H had on his smartphone! So...I got all dolled up and hid in the bathroom. He knew I had a surprise. But what was it?
I emerged looking gorgeous in high heels, black velvet pants, sexy top (thats what i was going to wear anyway) and this luscious, breathtakingly lovely full long blond hair. The look on his face was priceless!!!
I figured it would be fun for both of us. But no.....he couldn't take it. No, he said, I can't look at you like that. I really love your real hair (shoulder length, curly dark hair).
I was amazed. I thought I looked like a blonde bombshell. But he didn't want me like that. He wanted me to be just me! It was an interesting little game and now I hafta get rid of the wig on Craigslist.
Maybe they aren't the only ones that are crazy sometimes!! Lol!
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Oh, it does drive me crazy at times! I have these memories of my REAL husband, who was very affectionate with me and it can make me sad. Then I think... This man may look like my H, but he is not. For all I know, it could be Darth Vader in there. They have the same affection levels!
Plus, now that I don't attempt any affection with him, I find that he is more attentive to me. Maybe guys really are that simple - they want what they don't or can't have!
Progress is just SO slow, and I have to continually remind myself to be patient!!!
I loved your story!!! Just goes to show, we can't figure these E.T.'s out. He was probably jealous because you looked so good and he knew other guys would be checking you out!!!
An excellent reminder to him what HE would be losing...
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
As you know, for many husbands going to a T or taking Ads is considered a sign of weakness or failure. And these days it takes some planning, navigating the health care system and scheduling weeks (or even months) in advance. Not to stereotype, but these things would probably be especially hard for a husband in a MLC who isn't thinking right.
Can I suggest a few things that might help husbands at least consider it as a possibility? Not saying that's what they all need, of course.
Having a good group of male friends helps - we call each other on our crap but also support one another. Since my troubles I have gone out of my way to notice other men who are struggling, listen, and if they want to hear about it I'll be honest about my brief time in T and on ADs.
If their company has an employee assistance program that helps - because it's designed to be confidential and (sometimes, initially) free. It was dumb but I wouldn't have started with the T if I had to draw the funds from the family checking account. (Even though I'm quite sure my wife would have thrown the money at me to get me to go!)
And one more. When starting with a T I think it's very important to state why you are there, what's your goal. If the goal is to work on a M or be a better H and father, they need to say that up front. Different Ts have different strengths, and most will be happy to suggest a colleague if their skills and views don't match up.
Oh, and be aware that some Ts can't perscribe ADs and, thus, won't bring that up. Just good to know.
TVS, I remember reading in your past posts that things have improved a little with your H. Still 6 months without any affection is a long time. I have felt rejected every day for 3 months, that is bad enough. Still no affection from my H but at least a little bit of attention now.
Do you try asking him to go anywhere? DB coach suggested to try something non-threatening, with no expectations, if he doesn't want to go, do it anyway. Maybe... "i'm going to the park with the boys. Do you want to come?".
I liked what you said about your H losing YOU..what a loss it would be. It would not be the first time a man let his wife slip through his fingers then lived to regret it for the rest of his life. I tell myself that too sometimes. Stupid aliens!! Sorry, sorry not in the right spirit but it helps to vent.
RH..I liked your story...for the life of me though I can't understand why our men are looking for something more exciting, then when you give it to them, they balk. I also can't understand why my H doesn't want the responsibility of anybody or any thing any more, but he is still here paying bills, working himself to death and doing the same things he always has done, with no intention of going anywhere. He may as well be having a relationship with me too. Who knows? but they are screwed up in the head!
SL..I appreciate your advice, I hope it helps the others...unfortunately, I am in Australia and our system is quite different here. Also its well-known how Ozzie males are. Their mates are there to validate their stupid behaviour, not warn them against it, as well as being tough and not showing any emotion, they prop each other up. (That is generalising of course, not all are like it).
Keep posting, its something to look forward to, to hear from you all.
Thanks for giving us some insight into the male mentality - always helpful!
What you said about men and their friends really hit home with me. Sometimes it helps to look at the situation out of the context of the M to get a better idea of the messed up mind frame of the MCLer.
I have watched my H do the same exact thing to his best friend as he has done to me. My H slowly distanced himself from his best friend, then turned around and blamed it on his friend! This is a guy he has been friends with since high school. Even as recently as last summer, they spent lots of time together and our families also.
Now, my H avoids him at all costs. But of course it is the friends fault.
My H sticks close to 2 friends who are not of the highest moral quality. He says he wants to be around people that make him feel good about himself. I'm sure they do, because they won't question his choices. They probably encourage him to do what makes him happy. Of course I'm speculating...
Meanwhile, I think his BF would question him because that's what good friends do! They look out for you, not just kiss your a$$ to make you happy.
I guess my point is that MLC does damage to all of the people closest to that person, not just the spouse. It is sad. No matter what happens to my M, I hope that my H will someday be able to reconcile with his friend. He's going to need a true friend in his life.
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Galbaby - you're right, of course. I used to live in Australia. They are (in general) a tough bunch, and I know they aren't likely to spend much time exploring their feelings or signing up for T. I loved Australia (really!) but noticed that in some ways, like the work and home life of men, it reminded me of American in the 1960s and 1970s. I just in this case, it's an added challenge.
TVS - it's too bad about your H's best friend. He sounds like a good influence.
