Need help with detaching and hoping to reconcile.

[greatwhitenorth]

Hi Lilly

You sound on a much more even keel these days, which is good. I've had a nose stud for more than 20 years and a fair sized tattoo on my back, so I say go for it! I want another tat too, but not sure what. Something that commemorates my triumph over the last year so that I never forget what I'm capable of.

Bond makes an interesting observation. Think about it and if it's true, stop everything you say/think after "but". Understanding the reasons or context for our behavior is important for ourselves in terms of changing, but when it comes to hurt other people are feeling they have no merit. Basically when the words "but" or "however" or "except that" come into it, everything said before them is negated. "I understand you are hurting and I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart" or some such thing is sufficient. Then he can lick his wounds and when ready seek you out and find not the depressed person who pushed him away, but the happy, fulfilled, sexual person he misses.

There was virtually no sex in my marriage ever and I tell you it absolutely sucked the soul out of me. I kept hoping it would change and tried everything I could to get H's attention. It's like he'd drop me a crumb every month or six weeks or so to keep me at bay. But eventually my libido was so tapped that I didn't want it with him or anybody anymore. It's like all of my drive went away because of how I was treated. And it made me depressed. In the context of a lot of other things, I believe there's serious childhood abuse of some sort that he has never dealt with. It is, however, his path to walk. As when my brother was alive, as much as I would like to take away H's pain and travel his journey with/for him, I can't. I can only watch from the side lines and hope he crosses the finish line the best that he can.

Sorry...bit of a hijack.

Questions is whether there is anything in H's email that you can build from. I think so, and you've heard most of it before.

1. He feels pushed. Back off any R talk, any MC/IC talk, any questions for him that don't relate directly to your son.
2. His C sessions. Avoid putting your M in his head as fodder for these. If, as he says, his IC is focused on him, let that be. If you stop pushing your M, he will probably stop talking about it. Until, of course, the fog begins to lift and he begins to remember the good and the value of your life together. And that's a different conversation. No guarantee, but if you bring his focus to your M when things are bad, nothing good can come of it.
3. His feeling rejected. You will need to be subtle about this and expect a long road. Figure out his Love Language and use it to your advantage.
4. Telling him you will eventually date. STOP! His response suggests that he still does care for you and value your M. Run with the bull, you'll get the horns. And you don't want'em. Jealousy won't work at this stage.
5. Your lack of desire for sex. Do you fully understand the root of this? Yes, you were depressed, but in my mind depression is a context not a reason. For some reason(s) you didn't want him to get close. What are those reasons? Have you worked through them? Were there other ways you pushed him away? I feel strongly about this because my H pushed all intimacy with me away, and a couple of months ago admitted to "every time you tried to get close to me I'd push you away. I hated what my behavior was doing to you. I wish you had met me after I dealt with all my issues." If you look closely you might find that you pushed him away in more ways than one.
6. "I want to be happy, I deserve to be happy." This is classic WAS, depression. He will eventually realize that happiness comes from inside. He needs to travel that path unhindered.
7. Your separation. Sounds like it's a trial separation. That's good. It is possible that he's trying to lessen the blow for you, but let's assume he's being honest. Dig in your heels and become the awesomest Lilly imaginable! Find your power, find your happy, be someone everyone wants to be around. It's gonna be tough as nails, but you can do it. Fake it 'til you make it.

I told H that I love him so I am willing to give him what he wants, and wish him peace, strength and happiness. We rarely see each other, and last time I saw him he looked very much like a troubled man. BUT he is now working on his issues. I believe that once he deals with everything he will be a completely different person, and know that it will take a long time. I also told him that if everything I've gone through means that he's finally getting the help he needs then I'd do it all again tomorrow. That, to me, is love.

It's tough, but you need to let your H go knowing that it comes from a place of love and trust. Then you dig in and focus on you. Your self control regarding communication with your H will develop over time. You've got a lifeline in this board.

Kudos for not sending the email.
Kudos for getting out of the spying game with OW's H.
Don't think about your H and the OW.

Work on forgiving your H's transgression. (BTW I don't agree with Bond that "it's no wonder" he stepped out. His choice is not your fault or your responsibility. Your H could have chosen to express to you the direness of the situation, but instead he chose to go outside the M. His choice. But to err is human and to forgive divine.) That doesn't mean it's OK, it doesn't mean you don't care and it doesn't mean you're not hurt. It just means that you have chosen not to carry around the anger. It's hard but it's necessary for moving forward.

Check out the book Depression Fallout (I forget the author). It's about the impact of depression on relationships. Lots of insight.

Keep posting, and let me know if you get the tattoo and piercing!