Thread #8 - It's time.

[Navyguy]

Well, after we got the kids in bed last night, W asked me what I thought of our MC appt. last week.

Apparently she didn't just want to apologize to me last night...she wanted to talk through everything and where we're going from here. She thought I changed the subject last night after she apologized and assumed that I didn't want to talk last night. I told her I thought that was all she was ready to talk about, and that I wasn't trying to redirect the conversation at all.

I told her my thoughts on the appointment. I said I think that C was right on just about everything. W said she pretty much agreed with everything that C said too. She said it is unfair to me that she's been hanging on. And that she's been hanging on because she's scared that she can't make it on her own. And she's scared that I will "get nasty" in the D process once I have truly accepted we are done. I told her my priorities would be #1 - The kids, #2 - Us.

Then W said she wants me to be happy...and she still wants us to be friends and be able to talk to each other and be there for each other. But that she just doesn't want the M anymore. She told me that what happened in the past is in the past, but that she can't get over it, and that her feelings for me have not changed at all since she was first "done" in her mind, despite all the changes I have made.

She kept talking about how she has been controlled all her life, and that she never got to experience freedom like I have, and that she's been through so many horrible experiences, and that she feels like she deserves more.

I didn't know what else to say at this point, so I got quiet. W kept trying to pry me to talk and to cheer me up.

Eventually I gathered my thoughts and tried to summarize what she told me. Here's what I said: "W, I know that you are done. You want us to separate and divorce. That is not what I want, but I respect the fact that you are done and respect what you want, so I will cooperate and try to work toward a solution that works best for all of us".

She said that is what she was saying.

So I asked if she wanted to go back to the MC to try to figure out this stuff.

For some reason, at that point, she thought I was talking about discussing her new guy-friend with our C. I have no idea why she thought that. So we got side-tracked on that for awhile. She told me that it really hurts her that I would even consider that she'd been cheating on me. I tried explaining to her how I saw him as a threat to our limbo situation, and that is what really bothered me...but I don't think she heard me. I told her I don't know why this even came up, and we got back to the real issues.

I think she was trying to talk me into being "ok" with us getting D'd. I am not ok with that, and I don't think I should have to be. She kept saying she doesn't want to hurt anyone. It's like she just wants me to sweep the hurt aside and tell her that I'm good with this and it's for the best.

At this point, we got off topic again and started talking about past crap. Once again, I redirected us by summarizing the main points of what we were discussing: "She wants D, I don't, but I will not stop it, and that we were going to go back to MC to get help figuring things out".

At that point (about 1 AM) I asked W if there was anything we hadn't discussed from the appt. that she wanted to talk about. She said there wasn't. So I thanked her for talking and listening and I got up and went to bed.

She didn't come to bed until sometime around 2:30 or 3. Probably doing some more "processing".

Denver and GB: I think your instinct on the physical S needing to happen is correct. And I think it is inevitable at this point. Or at least, that's the position I need to take.

W's "look in the mirror" was limited to her seeing the nasty things she has said to me. She doesn't want to do that anymore. But that was the extent of it.

So, we continue the march toward a S/D. I have IC today and EE this weekend. Hopefully that will help me process some things.