Need help with detaching and hoping to reconcile.

[lillystillinlove]

MB,HERE IS THE EMAIL:

I understand your reasoning for wanting me to attend the weekend event in September but I feel like I am being pushed into corner when you know I am trying to clear my head and get my feet underneath me.

I know that you don't think my counselor is keeping me pointed in the right direction for our marriage. Her focus is me... trying to keep me in a healthy state of mind. I liked going to talk with her, to tell her how things are going and how I feel. But after that session with Dr Lazar, I stopped seeing her. She wasn't pushing me to leave you, she is pushing me to be honest with myself. She was asking me the hard questions about me. How I feel about things, how I feel about what happened between us, about my childhood. What direction I wanted our relationship to go, and I was honest with her, but she mostly talked about me and my crazy head. She asked if I want to continue our relationship. I hated our relationship for so many years of faking it.

At all the parties where the topic of fooling around with the wives came into play. Not in serious context, just joking around at parties and me saying.... "Oh you know I'm gonna get some tonight!!!" "She better watch out, she's in some serious trouble when we hit the sheets" Knowing there was no way that was going to happen. I hated it, but I swallowed it every time. It's driven me to hate our relationship and with that the friendship and intimacy that we had. I can't imagine even attempting that right now. You mentioned or wrote once that even if I don't want to sleep with you, at some point you're going to be with someone who does. In your list of questions, you mentioned dating... really, dating. My head is filled with enough [censored] right now and you're talking about dating.

The attempts I made all those years to reach out to fool around with you only to be turned down time after time. To only have sex when you're so drunk that I didn't really want to, but had to take advantage of the opportunity. Feeling so defeated and beneath myself. You had a medical reason for feeling depressed about things, our relationship did that for me.

I understand you suffered from depression, but you seem to think that justifies what happened. I get it, you have a medical condition. That doesn't change the fact that I was affected by that. I am probably 2/3 of the way through my life. I want to be happy, I deserve to be happy.

I want my time to away so I can settle my brain yet you seem to want to force me into a situation that IS going to cause a ton of stress.

No matter what happens between us, we both love our son more than life itself and neither of us wants anything bad to happen to him, in fact we both want just the opposite. I told you that the only reason that I've stayed so long to because of him... and it's true, that alone should show you that I have his best interest at hand.

I want this separation to be a smooth transition for all of us, especially for our son if things don't work. How can it hurt? If we work it out, no harm no foul, if we don't... things are going to be a lot tougher at the beginning of a formal separation.

I've told you this many times, if I had to make my choice today, I Would leave, but I owe it to our son to at least try a separation and to sort out my head.

So, I know that this casts me in a poor light, please understand he's not a very happy person right now. He is not completely innocent in all of this either (meaning other than the EA+). We had good times but he's blind to it right now. I have made a lot of changes for the better over the past 6 months, I know, it's only been 6 month though.

The weekend event was Retrouvaille, too much too soon!

If there are any questions about the email from my H just ask, I'll elaborate.

We actually had a conversation tonight, I think we have talked more today than we have in months. During this conversation I realized how much stress he is under right now and how I was being selfish with wanting to respond to this email and cause more stress and a larger rift between us. He's holding a lot of guilt and resentment and sadness. I'm able to see it when we talk like this but it's been so rare that I get frustrated and focused on my own pain. I know he needs space and time it's just scary for me, it just seems as though he's getting further away. I guess the conversation can be viewed as positive.

I didn't send the email and I won't be sending the email. He's really is a good man and hung in there for a long time with me, I absolutely realize that. But patience is not my strong suit right now.

As for the OW and her H. I don't communicate with her. We emailed very early on and I said what I needed to say to her. We haven't had contact since. The email I wrote was a was a letter to the universe I guess, having it ready provides a sense of power for me. Her H is a very good friend and we text on occasion. I told him several months ago that I could no longer help him spy/snoop/gather information on his W (the OW). It put me in a position I didn't want to be in and every time we had contact I was transported right back to the moment I found out. He understood and backed off of the information gathering. Our last contact was more like old friends comforting each other.

My H and the OW in contact, sometimes I suspect they are, I have no proof, I don't look for it and I don't ask. If they are I would think it is for mutual support, they are the only ones the other can commiserate with and not run the risk of criticism.

Lio - thanks for the encouragement and ideas to distract myself from negative thoughts, I'm trying to use this forum to stay on track. I hope to be able get advice before I act and learn to be able to do this without having to think about it. Your post was helpful. I can see the wisdom in not emailing, it's always misinterpreted and seen as an attack. I'm doing pretty good when it comes to phone calls and texts. I only make contact with him in that way concerning our son. Nothing else anymore. I'm going to track down your threat and read through it. I've been through quite a few and can't remember who's I've read.

SS - Tattoos and nose ring, yes I'm serious. I want a tattoo on my ankle covered up and I've been thinking of getting another for a while now. The nose ring, well not actually a ring more like a very small jeweled post. I've wanted one of those for quite a while to. He always encouraged it but I just never did it (depression [censored]).

H gets access to his new place in 3 days.

Any Advice or insight for my situation will be greatly appreciated.