Stand up. Poor and tired, but more than this.

[LIO]

Well, Friday went exceptionally well. H stayed the night (downstairs of course). I was surprised. Then Saturday H went into meltdown mode because he felt I was overriding his plans (IE BEING controlling). Check.

Sunday - some good parts, some AWFUL parts.
Lessons learned: enjoy the good - ignore the rest.

H told me that he emailed a couple of his good male friends that he and I have known for years that he *might* be getting divorced. Okay... Might is better then WILL. But I was still embarrassed that now they knew. I overreacted. New 180 here to do.
I should have been happy that he finally reached out to his friends instead of keeping it all bottled up. They offered to talk to him, but he has not taken them up on it. H, S, and I attended all of their weddings, and they are definitely good strong family men - so if he does open up to them, then so what. I did tell him this today. Not that my opinion matters much - but I wanted to acknowledge my overreaction as a correction.

I *sense* that H is still around because he IS giving me a chance to redeem myself - despite what he says. His actions are NOT matching his words. He has some work to do too - and this separation is helping me see how I look to him. It's not pretty to see that reflection.

I see our family dynamics are different. He didn't grow up in a family that talks things out. I did. His was alcoholic and emotionally stunted (push/pull emotional hostage-type relationship between his parents). He's raging against our relationship that turned into his parents (as am I. I just didn't see my role in it too).

On a good note, even if it didn't work out between H and I, I am still grateful for that opportunity to correct it.

So 180's for the month:
Well one: SLOW DOWN.
Slow down my reactions. Slow down my tongue.Not reacting to the bad. Acknowledge the good.
No fighting. It's not worth the casualty (our son). My H sees this. I 'said' I did, but I didn't 'see' it. I see it. I was too wrapped up in *my* fears (projected or not).
Learned to not ask H about what he is doing.
Focus on work this week. One thing at a time.

Oh and that secretive bar meet up with the 'younger' coworker with the gender neutral name? Yeah, try middle age, male. Thank you facebook. You know what they say about assumptions. So yep. There's another one to work on.