Where do I go from here?

[Hopeful84]

Thanks kml, I always look forward to your voice of reason.

Yes, my husband is brain injured, and going through a lot of transitional changes as well. He has a nerve block scheduled for the end of the month and needs me to take him and bring him home. Its going to be wierd to ask for that time off at work, because my nosey boss has figured out we are having problems, but I am still his wife at the end of day and I still care about him.

He should be transitioned out of the Army completely between Dec-Feb, and then wants to apply to college to start using his GI Bill and search for a job, as well as has to apply for some combat related pay or something. Of course he wants me to help him with him, so its kind of awkward, because we are still really close friends.

He doesn't want to be divorced or seperated, but of course he isn't at home either, so its wierd because he talks about all of these projects he wants to do to the house, and all I do is say I need some time. I make sure when he is home that I am not there, so we haven't really spoken in a while.

Its definitely a lot to think about, and I do want things to work out because I do think this is all inter-related to this brain injury and war experiences. I still want to fight for my marriage, but perhaps later on down the road, not right now, have to focus on myself. I appreciate being able to come here and be honest about things, as crazy as they are, its really helpful.

[Hopeful84]

Thanks gabbysmom for all the wonderful advice.

As far as his affair being related to his brain injury and war issues, he won't come out and 100 percent talk about it with his military doctors because adultery is a punishable offense in the USMJ code. It can supposedly result in a drop in pay, rank and actually being discharged dishonorably from the military, although I doubt the act can carry that much damage. It usually depends on the chain of command. I think my husband would be able to be honest with his military doctors, as this is pretty common with soldiers and injured soldiers. Especially those who are unable to form emotional relationships after their war injuries. On a side note, I feel for a girl who is going through something similiar. Her husband was flown from Afghanistan because he was injured in a fire fight, and her husband has a girlfriend and I would hate to be faced with that stuff, my heart really goes out to her.

My husband is in the process of medically retiring from the military because of his brain injuries and is 90 percent VA disabled, which means he will require treatment for his injuries, head included, for the rest of his life. He tells me he cannot wait to be honest with someone about how much he hates his life, the affair ,etc. But he is the only one who has the power to change it, I cannot fight his battles for him. I think its just an excuse, to not talk to his doctors about it, because I rarely see him wanting to be honest with himself about this crap.

On a side note, I am excited about the nursing program, eventually, hoping I can fit my life into going. I did just apply for two new jobs today, that would be an increase in salary and I am excited about the potential for being considered. Only time will tell if I am considered. I do love my job, but my boss can be demanding and overwhelming at times, so I would love to have a new job to focus my energy on and succeed at during this time.

I do love Texas so far, but haven't decided if I will stay here if we divorce, I think it would be too painful. Although Texas is a big state lol.

[Hopeful84]

I don't know how to explain my current state of being.

First off, its been almost eight months since d day (I notice I round up, and my husband rounds down) for instance, D day was January 2nd, so with it being almost August 2nd, I say eight months, he says no seven months... anyway I think its funny.. I laugh often...

Anyway, H has been gone for a few days- and not really hanging around much the past two weeks, yeah he calls, but for the most part is non existant, and I am getting used to him not being here, and its okay. I totally painted my closet this weekend, planned out a meal plan for next week and an exercise routine, I was 100 percent engulfed in me, and it felt like a breathe of fresh air. I had these amazing job opportunities pop up, and they may not result in a job interview, but for the first time in my life, it feels good to feel like damn, I did something right.

Growing up I never had that ahha, moment (how do you spell ahaha?) where I was like, I want to be ______ when I grow up (My cousin used to say she wanted to be a virgin when she grew up, wonder how thats working out for her). I used to say I wanted to be a pediatric oncology doctor (what? a cancer doctor for kids? for real?). So all these years I've been going to school, I just settled on a degree I could do online, happened to be Criminal Justice Homeland Security (no, I'm not using it, but hey I turned out to be quite the investigator when it came to A). Anyway, i just happened across this job three years ago when we moved to DC, and I didn't think I was qualified, but the 9 months I worked as a hotel front desk clerk, paid off and wow, I was an assistant manager at a Fisher House. How cool. I was working for a nonprofit who helped combat wounded warriors and veterans. Its an amazing job, and then when we moved to Texas a job was open here with the same organization and I am still doing it. Now, I have the chance to possibly be a manager, and I just feel excited that I actually can possibly be considered.

Here is where my work has done an upside down change lately. Used to, the one thing I never questioned, was that my husband and I would be together, supporting eachother throughout our journey, but everything else was blurry. My career, children, where we would live, etc. Now, he is the only thing that is blurry. I can see my career, I can see living anywhere, and being okay. I am realizing that wow, I can live without him, and I want a monogamous, nurturing relationshp. I want a fullfilling job, where I come home and talk to my partner about my day at work while cooking dinner, and exploring our area on the weekends. I want to take a vacation anywhere once a year, just because I can. And I can do that.

My husband doesn't seem to like how calm I am when we talk about the A, or his mistress, or gf. I make jokes constantly, and he thinks I am trying to make him feel bad, but really I am not, why can't we laugh about it? does that make me sick?

This is what I told him today at lunch, and I didn't even cry. Yes, I welled up once, but not because I was sad really, but more out of habit I think. I told my H, I don't want to be your roommate. I don't want to be with you because we financially need eachother. I want a monogamous, nurturing relationship where I am someone's everything, and I know you want the same thing too. I don't want to go clubbing, and gyrate on someone's penis, I want to go on a walk and get to know you better. I want to come home after a hard day's work, cook dinner, drink some wine and talk about my day and my future. I want someone who makes me a better person, and who inspires me to always reach my maximum potential. I used to think you were the only person who would want me, and no offense, I am desirable. I can be happy with someone else. No, I don't want a divorce, but at the same time, I just want to be happy and I'm not. I want you to be happy. Perhaps our marriage has run its course, and we aren't whats best for eachother anymore. You want to go back to college, can we really deal with the temptation you will face there? And you be faithful? I am not so sure. I am not pushing you, because hell I don't want someone who feels forced to be with me. But I am getting used to you not being around, and its okay. Its okay to say I love you, but you are what I need in my future. And no offense, thats cool. If you need multiple women or the kind of attention I can't give you, please move on. I can't be the girl who covers herself in makeup, and shows half her body to go have a good time. I am a simple, southern girl who likes the simple things. I can't be someone I am not. I am reaching my goals and learning how to be me and love myself, and I'm not done. I'm not ready to come back into this marriage and say this is what I want, and you aren't either. I just want you to know, its okay to say, I love you but i need to move on. I'm okay with that and we will be fine with or without eachother. I hope we can be friends again one day if we do divorce, and I can call you up and go out for a drink and just catch up, but I don't know if I can do that yet. All I am saying is, I love you, and I think you need help, and I love you, and our marriage needs help, and we can be happy together, I really think so, but we can also be happy apart."

So wow.. did you really read all of that? But wow.. I mean every word... I am like at this weird stage.. where I accept that my husband had an affair... and I am also accepting that we may not be right for eachother anymore.... I don't want a business arrangement marriage... I want a hot passionate fun amazing loving marriage... and I'm ready to start taking the next step... I have my deadline in my head (which also ensures i am taken care of) and I know I will be ready to file those papers, and not argue or fight my way out of this marriage, but walk away saying i gave it my damndest... and I'm going to be okay...

I think my husband has problems and issues he needs to sort out.. before ever coming back and trying to work on this marriage.. and I need to continue to search for the me I want to be and love to be... does that make sense?

SO be honest.. did I lose my marbles? Do I need to check into a mental hospital? any clue s to what is "wrong with me"?

On a side note, I am really torn on what to do about our living arrangement. He drops by the house whenever he pleases, and thats hard. I don't have many places to go. I thought about asking him to do a schedule of being at her place Sunday-Thursday, and then when he comes home to his alone time on Friday and Saturday I can sleep at a friend's place. That would be more like a separation. I was going to get an apartment, but it seems like I cannot afford it, without forfeiting on my part of the mortgage payment and our bills, which would ruin my credit. But why should I be stuck here in our "dream house" waiting for someone to love me enough? Any advice on how to handle these emotions?

[Starsky309]

This is what I told him today at lunch, and I didn't even cry. Yes, I welled up once, but not because I was sad really, but more out of habit I think. I told my H, I don't want to be your roommate. I don't want to be with you because we financially need eachother. I want a monogamous, nurturing relationship where I am someone's everything, and I know you want the same thing too. I don't want to go clubbing, and gyrate on someone's penis, I want to go on a walk and get to know you better. I want to come home after a hard day's work, cook dinner, drink some wine and talk about my day and my future. I want someone who makes me a better person, and who inspires me to always reach my maximum potential. I used to think you were the only person who would want me, and no offense, I am desirable. I can be happy with someone else. No, I don't want a divorce, but at the same time, I just want to be happy and I'm not. I want you to be happy. Perhaps our marriage has run its course, and we aren't whats best for eachother anymore. You want to go back to college, can we really deal with the temptation you will face there? And you be faithful? I am not so sure. I am not pushing you, because hell I don't want someone who feels forced to be with me. But I am getting used to you not being around, and its okay. Its okay to say I love you, but you are what I need in my future. And no offense, thats cool. If you need multiple women or the kind of attention I can't give you, please move on. I can't be the girl who covers herself in makeup, and shows half her body to go have a good time. I am a simple, southern girl who likes the simple things. I can't be someone I am not. I am reaching my goals and learning how to be me and love myself, and I'm not done. I'm not ready to come back into this marriage and say this is what I want, and you aren't either. I just want you to know, its okay to say, I love you but i need to move on. I'm okay with that and we will be fine with or without eachother. I hope we can be friends again one day if we do divorce, and I can call you up and go out for a drink and just catch up, but I don't know if I can do that yet. All I am saying is, I love you, and I think you need help, and I love you, and our marriage needs help, and we can be happy together, I really think so, but we can also be happy apart."

So wow.. did you really read all of that? But wow.. I mean every word... I am like at this weird stage.. where I accept that my husband had an affair... and I am also accepting that we may not be right for eachother anymore.... I don't want a business arrangement marriage... I want a hot passionate fun amazing loving marriage... and I'm ready to start taking the next step...

Well, heads up, cuz now that he smells the sincerity of all that, he's likely to go into full-bore PURSUIT OF YOU.


Starsky

[Hopeful84]

Thanks Starsky. I did mean all of it though.

So much has happened in just a week and things are just more confusing. Where is my husband? Sleeping in a hospital chair next to his mistress as her kidneys recover from renal failure. She has been sick all week, fever, vomitting, high temp, but doesn't have health insurance. After five days she finally went to the ER on Saturday, of course with H and has been there since Saturday because her kidneys were shutting down, now her father is on his way to her, and she isn't expected out until Tuesdsay.

What a roller coaster of emotions this is making me feel. I have always been in good health. In the 12 or so years that I have known my husband, I have never had an overnight hospital stay or been extremely sick, whereas she is always sick. Is it wrong to feel jealous? That she is experiencing something with my husband that I have never had?

At the same time, I haven't seen my husband since Thursday and its been okay. He is supposed to come home tomorrow to wash his clothes but I think I should leave before he gets here and one, give him time to himself, and two, ignore him until my plane leaves on Friday, that would mean that four days of not seeing eachother could easily turn into two weeks or three weeks of not seeing eachother, and I think thats a good thing.

I am at a loss for what to do. So much is changing. My husband will be losing his job with the Army around Thanksgiving, and needs to start looking for a job. I applied for a new job with a pay increase, and I have also been considering moving out of our home. I know people advise against that, but I am thinking that at this point, a real separation may be needed. Any suggestions? The problem I am having with our current living arrnagement is that he just pops in whenever he pleases. So here I am doing my own thing, and then BAM there he is, until she gets off work, and then I have to watch him drive away all over again, its torture. I tried to make a deal with him that he would be with her Sunday-Thursday and then come home Fri and Sat and i would stay with a friend, so kind of like we would never see eachother but not have to add any expense to our situation, and I suggested if he wanted to see me it would be planned out in advance and i would demand his undivided attention, meaning no texting or calling no phone period while we are together. So do I stay in our home? Or do i move into an apartment for six months or a year? Anybody have experience with either? I know a lot of changes are coming our way, but at the same time I do think some time apart, although we have a lot now, can be good. I think he needs a dose of how life will be without me, including no contact on the phone. Kind of just throwing it out there for someone to help. Thanks

[Starsky309]

Agree with Gabby. ^^^


Starsky

[Hopeful84]

Thanks guys for the extra confidence I needed to do the right thing and look out for me.

Its always hard to know what to do, when your heart says one thing and your head is screaming at you no.

I am packing my "go bag" so to say so when he is headed this way I can leave, or as soon as he walks through the door if he doesn't call I can leave, although I would rather not see him at all. I think we both need some space, and the only reason I want to talk to him , is to start dividing our assets. I have spoken to a lawyer but I cannot afford the retainer fee of $4500 and neither can he. So if we do an amicable divorce, its cheaper and as long as we agree on the terms before hand, it would save us both money in the long run. I think my best option is to do complete no contact, even if I have to block his number again. Then when I return from my Tennessee trip, start looking at apartments that week I am off. That would put our no contact from August 2nd-August 25th, hoping to move out the last week of August or first week of September. Yes, it will put him in a bind, and possibly hurt my credit a little. As far as the house is concerned, I just need to figure out if he would give me permission to take my name off of it, which again would be in the divorce proceedings. I need to just really spend that week when I return gathering information, from lawyers and apartments, to start the process of moving on with my life legally and for good. I will definitely miss my dogs, but no offense to them, they aren't worth staying in this prison. I do have a lot going for me, and I do deserve better. Wish me luck and strength today.

[kml]

First of all - what happened to your plan to wait until you have been married ten years before divorcing? Isn't that still financially valuable for you to wait the few months involved?

Second:

As far as the house is concerned, I just need to figure out if he would give me permission to take my name off of it,

Don't get confused between the title and the mortgage. Just because you take your name off the title, doesn't mean you're off the mortgage. Usually, the bank will NOT allow you to be taken off the mortgage - he will have to refinance the house in his own name. (Would he qualify?) Be careful you don't make the mistake of taking your name off the title while you are still on the mortgage - then you are stuck in a place where you are financially responsible for the mortgage payments if he doesn't make them, even though you no longer own any part of the house.

[lillystillinlove]

Hopeful,

I'm calling BS on the counselling while in the military and adultery being against the UCMJ. Yes it is against the UCMJ, not usually an offence that is enforced, will our newly "out" members be prosecuted for violations they commit, I don't think so. I'd say adultery would be a charge added to a "greater" offence to speak to character. The UCMJ does not play as his excuse for not getting counselling. There is still patient / DR confidentiality. The only thing a counselor (military or not and most are not) can do is to get help for someone that is a danger to themselves or others. Now, he and you can get online help for counselling through tricare by phone or even skype. The military is fully aware of all the issues a combat vet can suffer from and the damage it can cause spouses. For him check into the wounded warrior program, not all wounds are visible and PTSD can have serious effects. FYI -Tricare calls "MC" Family counselling. I actually have a good friend that assists members and spouses/family members deal with these kinds of issues. Use the benefits available to you while you are still married if you are looking at divorce. As for my knowledge in this area, I grew up in, joined and married a man in the military. Of my 43 years of life, at least 32 have been directly involved with it, I still work for them as a civilian.

Divorce and the military, check with the JAG (that may get him in a bit of trouble) they may have resources available for spouses. If not check with the family service center. Be fully aware what you are entitled to because you are his spouse. Know what benefits you can retain and how much of his retirement you can claim. If you get a lawyer, be sure they have dealt with military divorce and retirement benefits.

Not trying to hi-jack I just want you to be sure you protect yourself. For those not very familiar with the military, spouses not familiar with the way things work, sometimes the member can forget to provide that information. When he starts to go to his meetings for transitioning out, you are allowed to attend, you should go there is a lot of information relevant to you as the spouse.

I hope you get what you want and your husband gets the help he is entitled to and deserves.

[Hopeful84]

Thanks kml. I am just having a hard week, and my emotions, as well as my strength, are all over the place. I don't want to move out, hell I don't even want a divorce, but I don't want to share my husband either. I know its only August, but I am already thinking about the holiday season coming up and how I don't want this to be my life at that time. I don't even want to think about celebrating the holidays right now, but I always said at the beginning of this, I don't want to be sitting at the thanksgiving table wondering if my husband is coming home, so its just another thing poking me in the heart.

My husband does get out at the end of November, and we will be married ten years in January, which does help. I did all along say, my deadline was a year, and I would move on. But we all know how easy it is to say "XYZ" and then "XYZ" happens, and you are like what? I have done some serious thinking, and I am going to take the week at home with my dad in the hospital to just not really think about the affair, it has become life consuming lately. I really just want to clear my hand, and not even talk to him. Then when I have the week off back in Texas, I want to sit down and talk about our living arrangement, where we have more of an agreement that reflects a separation, not a "cake eatting" one. I feel like if going into November things haven't changed, I can spend the holiday season with my best friend and her six kids, that will get my mind of things where I am not alone for the holidays. I would still go home to be with the dogs, but would be there less, but not full abandonment. I will then really just have to make a decision after getting through the holidays about moving out, filing for divorce, etc.

My husband is a good person, who happened to make a poor mistake. He is still my best friend, and we still get a long wonderfully. He isn't hurtful, we talk about things openly and I can ask questions and he answers them honestly. He doesn't blame me, or even say he feel out of love with me, its just our life. But I am not happy with this life, and if this is how being married to him is going to be, then I don't want to be. I felt so strong last week, and this week I feel like an elephant with the world "AFFAIR" written on him is sitting on my chest.. its becoming too much...

Hope somewhere in there something made sense...