An Unexpected Journey: Chapter Four

[AJM]

Full disclosure: My daughter doesn't talk to me. She struggles to remain angry. Seems she has her mother to help (guessing based on conversations.)

Know what I see? What I hear from her therapist (ex had to put them in therapy. I asked, but she didn't listen. She put them in there at the urging of the lawyer so I couldn't take them from her for interfering) is that she is heavily burdened by shunning me. My D is 17 now. She was just shy of 16 when she left.

Originally, it was my ex that left. She left us on mother's day the first time. She felt the kids would be fine. She blamed me (go figure) for her leaving. Said she never loved me, blah blah blah <insert spew here>. Fast forward a while, and my daughter is giving me static. Went on for months. At the beginning of it, we had a conversation that I walked away from as her asking me "would you love me if". My D and I were very close for years. I knew at the time she was torn between wanting her mother back and seeing me. It became almost obligation for her. Very difficult as her mother started having time to be in her life again after having been gone for so many years emotionally. I didn't discourage it nor did I say bad things about her mom to her or my son. I simply mentioned it was her mom's choice and that she loved them.

I didn't realize she would use them as pawns. I figured if I was going to keep them as off-limits and focus elsewhere, so would she. Oops. She put my D directly into it. Still does.

What saddens me the most is that my D will pay that price. At this point in time, I don't need my D here as much as she needs to be here with her dad. I know it is confusing for her to see her mom try and erase me from her life and later change that. To see her try to replace me with the OM even with my kids. And yet, to be distant at the same time.

I come at this from a different side. I'm not the one who needed to leave. I'm not the one that relived their childhood, spewed anger and rage, nor abandoned the kids. Yet, I'm the one that sees the damage to my kids being done by their mother's anger. Neither of my kids blame themselves which was a relife to find out. They are otherwise healthy. But my D has a long hard road ahead to figure some of this stuff out and I hate that for her. There was a time I was tempted to knock some sense into the OM for what he is doing. His own D (he has three) won't talk to him for leaving her mom.

The cycle continues. It's all about anger and selfishness. Unbridled. It's about fear and control. It's sad to see because of the impact on my D especially.

When you consider your actions and how you deal with things, please also consider the future for your kids. What is happening now, is just a point in time. One that you'll come to appreciate if you work at it. You'll see things differently at a later date, and your words will stay forever in their minds.

But he will always be their dad no matter how he changes. And you will always be their mother. No matter future spouses, they will never be "family" in the same way.

My father is the son of a divorced family. He was 16. My grandmother died when I was 5. He is still friends with his mom's second husband because he treated his mom well. But he is not "family" in the same way as my grandfather. My father remembers how this man treated him, his brother, and his mom all these years later. It lasts.

My last .02 worth. I'll be quiet about it now.
AJ