I am a new member and also new to separation. I need help in getting my family of 10 years back together. My fault is that I work very long hours (16+ hours a day), and it made me believe that I was a great husband and a great dad because I was providing for all economic needs for my family. I do consider my self to be a family man, but I did not pay attention to what my wife was telling all these last years. He wanted her husband back, and all I saw was nagging, pressuring and dissapointment. I used to think "what is going on with her, I am working as much as I can so she doesn't have to do it, and for the kids to be ok". Now, I was so sure she would never leave me, because she professed her love to me everyday but everything changed when she bumbped with a female friend she had not seen in many, many years. They started talking to each other and eventually my wife changed her attitute, she started to come home really late and eventually not coming home at all. During that time she met another person thru her friend and they started seen each other. I moved out of the house on 6-4-12, and thanks to the Lord I found the Divorce Remedy book, which I have used in staying calm, and under control to about 75% to 80% of my capabilities.
We started talking once again about 1 month ago and everything was just about real simple stuff. Everything started getting better to the point that she started making more efforts to communicate. We have been intimate in 3 occassions since the separation, but that has stopped already and the communication we had has been diminished to still a coordial talks, but now I can sense she is been pulling out.
I try not to talk about us or a reconciliation, but she is the one who brings that up a lot everytime we see each other. She tells me she "needs to fix this situation" because she can not live like this. She constantly tells me that she is scared if she comes back, I will go back to my old ways. When that happens I try not say anything, but the only thing that I say once is "I am not here to hurt you anymore, I know you do not believe me, but I am not going to try to convince you otherwise".
She knows she has my support on everything, she or the kids need. She was trying to find a job, and was feeling desperate about it, I offered to help and she said it was ok. We found a job for her last week and she has been going to trinning. We have seen each other this week almost everyda since her work is just blocks away from were I work. Everyday she has told me she needs to fix this situation, and decice if she is going to be with me. When she tells me that I sometimes do try to make her see that it will be the best decision for all of us. I know I should not be taking advantage of that, because it is just causing her to pull away, but I wish I have the words to let her know it is ok, but without beeing pushy, needy or desperate. Please, I need advice.
I have two boys, a 17 year old, who has been more affected than any of us and a 13 year old who has been affected but do not really understands what is going on. I need to say, they are no my biological kids, but I have been with them for 10 years, and any body who says they are not my kids is wrong. I would do anything for them.
Well, there is still a lot more to tell, but for the meantime it will give you guys an idea of my situation. Please, any help or suggestions are greatly appreciated.
Get out and GAL. DETACH. Believe none of what she says and half of what she does. Have NO EXPECTATIONS. Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum. SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Your W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. Use it Wisely
Thank you all for your response.. I have already bought and read the DR book. Pretty reasuring!!
I have followed the advice on the book, but I do not really know if I am doing things right.
Basically, the complain my W has is that I totally screwed up, by not spending time with her. She would ask me to go on a date, go walk, go to the movies etc, and my reply was always "no, I am tired". She would try to to convince me and I will get upset. Other thing she complains about, is when I had my family members come to visit. They are out of town, so I would do anything with them, even when I was tired. She sees that, and believes I would only try for somebody else but not her. In a way she is right.
I have read the DR book, I am GALing, which means going to the gym, going back to church, spending time with my boy (took him fishing this weekend, lots of fun).
But, I am confused.. For most of the time I try to be upbeat, have a smile when I see her, and look confident about my self. I "act as if" and I can see the reaction in her eyes. It is not what she expects, but she does not say anything. Now, this weekend, I hinted I went out on Friday (I didn't). It was on a phone conversation, but I could tell it made her feel some sort of discomfort. She asked me if I really, go out and she told me, that it was ok, but that it was kind of surprising because I had not called her all day.
Sunday, she called me in the morning, and when to my place before she went to work to show me her new uniform. I was not there because I went to church. She called me again hours later, but I did not answer. I called her hours later and left her a message that I had received her phone calls, but that I could not answer.
Today, I went to see her in the morning and she was pretty upset, because I was not home when she went looking for me, or that I did not answer the phone. She said she did see my call, but was pretty angry at me that she did not want to answer the phone. Now, I need to point out, that she needed to buy some other clothes for her uniform, and since she does not have a lot of money, It makes me believe she was inviting me so I could buy that stuff for her. But, her reaction, was really of being upset today in the morning, that is why I am confused.
It was exactly the reactions she had that were described on the DR book, but now I am confused as how am I supposed to react to her behavior. She was coordial, but she was pretty upset telling me that it was ok for me to do all these stuff, but that it really bothers her that now I am doing what I did not do when we were together.
Well, I am here once again.. My W called me at a few hours ago, and said she needed to se me. So we met at certain place and she said she misses me, we end up being intimate. After the intimacy concluded she said she is still hurt, and that it makes her get angry just to think, that I am not working long hours anymore and that I am using that time on my own now. ??? I am very confused, I told her that I had been working less hours for quite a while now, even when we were still together, but that we were so busy making each other miserable that we did not notice that. I do not know if I did right, but I asked her to allow me to be closer to her now that I have the time. Any advice?
I appreciate the time you took to read my post. As I mentioned before, I am GALing, but the most hard thing to do is DETACH. Specially, because we have been intimate. It makes me think that she still cares for me, but on the other side, it also makes me believe I am being used. I have read the 37 rules, and fall short on some of them, but on most of them I am getting there. I just wish everything was more clear with the W.
Yesterday I posted that W needed to buy somethings and she invited me to go shopping to which I felt I was being used because she wanted to me to pay since she does not have a lot of money. Well, I was wrong, she did wanted to see me. I also posted that after that we had intimacy which makes me believe she is getting closer to me.
Now, that is what I want to believe.. She drop by my place earlier today in the morning and we were talking and joking about yesterday, but she changed the conversation to our separation and says she feels anger that now I am doing a lot of stuff that I was not doing when I was with her, and that she is really scared to go back being a couple again and have the same relationship we had before. I could see she was really upset, at this point I do not know how to react or what to say. I told her that I had stopped working long hours way before we got separated, but that we were so busy making each other miserable that we did not see it. She told me that she does not see our relationship being fixed, and that she knows I am going to find somebody else eventually. Same thing that is going to happen to her. She also, felt hurt about that idea, because she told me that it is very hard to let me go.
She still calls me by the nicknames she used to call me. We are hispanic and most of those nicknames are in spanish, which will translate as "my love, caramel, chocolate milk, etc.. But when she says does things, she realizes it and stops saying that. I brought that up, and she just nodded. Am I doing wrong? Please, help..
Hi, I am here once again. I was reading other people's posts and I came to one in which this guy is fighting to get W back, but W is with another man. Many people have advice him to let W know he will not tolerate that kind of disrespect. He replies that she does not rubs the OM in his face. But still her actions are doing exactly that.
I am on the same situation, W is with OM, she does not rubs that on me, but her actions does. She is trying to make me believe that their relationship is over, or getting to that point. Part of me wants to believe that, but the other says she is just playing her cards to keep me around when she needs me. Man, I felt so upbeat moments ago, but reading this guys trend made me realize that I want to cover the sun with one finger. I am honestly scared I will loose my family that is why I have not talked to her about her R with OM. Any advice?
