Being you, being a mother, and not sharing some of your hurt with family is not easy. It's human and it is what we are. But we do need to consider if we add to the hurt or not for the kids. We can make it worse for them and I'm pretty sure when you finish grieving you won't be happy with yourself if you do. That doesn't seem the kind of person you come across as.
I agree with AJ here. And yes, also with others about how difficult the boundaries are - of course you don't want your kids to be abused.
But I saw first hand the effects of a parent who couldn't separate their abandonment and pain from their kids'. My ex's mom left for another man when they were teens. His dad was devastated, and was unable to function to the extent that the kids felt they had to help him. The boys sided with their dad, and refused to see their mother.
If the dad had been able to step outside his pain for a moment, he should have encouraged the boys to keep some contact with her, however mad they were. He should have reminded them that she WAS their mother, that they didn't have to like what she was doing but should keep some contact. A little simple effort on his part to take the high road back then, would have saved a world of pain down the road.
Instead, he felt vindicated because the boys were "siding" with him. He actively made life difficult for the girls, who still kept contact with their mom. He forced one daughter to choose which parent she would have at her wedding.
Now it's almost 40 years later. My ex re-established contact with his mom about ten years after their divorce, at my urging, and has a civil relationship with her. One brother finally contacted her just a few years ago. The third brother still doesn't see her, even though she's in her 70's, and I worry that when she dies, he'll be tormented by regrets.
The truth of the matter is, NOT having a relationship with a parent is a HUGE weight - much greater than just having a polite, if limited, contact. And you are in a position to help your kids understand that their dad is going through something, you all don't have to like his behavior, but he still IS their dad, and you hope they find some way to have a relationship with him. (Kind of, "hate the sin but love the sinner").
Your kids need YOU to be their rock. And what they need most, is for YOU to model healthy growth and forward-looking behavior, and to show them you all will be ok. (I know, I know - it is SOOOO unfair, you have to be the grownup and ex gets to run around being a loose cannon - but it just IS.)
