Being you, being a mother, and not sharing some of your hurt with family is not easy. It's human and it is what we are. But we do need to consider if we add to the hurt or not for the kids. We can make it worse for them and I'm pretty sure when you finish grieving you won't be happy with yourself if you do. That doesn't seem the kind of person you come across as.
I agree with AJ here. And yes, also with others about how difficult the boundaries are - of course you don't want your kids to be abused.
But I saw first hand the effects of a parent who couldn't separate their abandonment and pain from their kids'. My ex's mom left for another man when they were teens. His dad was devastated, and was unable to function to the extent that the kids felt they had to help him. The boys sided with their dad, and refused to see their mother.
If the dad had been able to step outside his pain for a moment, he should have encouraged the boys to keep some contact with her, however mad they were. He should have reminded them that she WAS their mother, that they didn't have to like what she was doing but should keep some contact. A little simple effort on his part to take the high road back then, would have saved a world of pain down the road.
Instead, he felt vindicated because the boys were "siding" with him. He actively made life difficult for the girls, who still kept contact with their mom. He forced one daughter to choose which parent she would have at her wedding.
Now it's almost 40 years later. My ex re-established contact with his mom about ten years after their divorce, at my urging, and has a civil relationship with her. One brother finally contacted her just a few years ago. The third brother still doesn't see her, even though she's in her 70's, and I worry that when she dies, he'll be tormented by regrets.
The truth of the matter is, NOT having a relationship with a parent is a HUGE weight - much greater than just having a polite, if limited, contact. And you are in a position to help your kids understand that their dad is going through something, you all don't have to like his behavior, but he still IS their dad, and you hope they find some way to have a relationship with him. (Kind of, "hate the sin but love the sinner").
Your kids need YOU to be their rock. And what they need most, is for YOU to model healthy growth and forward-looking behavior, and to show them you all will be ok. (I know, I know - it is SOOOO unfair, you have to be the grownup and ex gets to run around being a loose cannon - but it just IS.)
Full disclosure: My daughter doesn't talk to me. She struggles to remain angry. Seems she has her mother to help (guessing based on conversations.)
Know what I see? What I hear from her therapist (ex had to put them in therapy. I asked, but she didn't listen. She put them in there at the urging of the lawyer so I couldn't take them from her for interfering) is that she is heavily burdened by shunning me. My D is 17 now. She was just shy of 16 when she left.
Originally, it was my ex that left. She left us on mother's day the first time. She felt the kids would be fine. She blamed me (go figure) for her leaving. Said she never loved me, blah blah blah <insert spew here>. Fast forward a while, and my daughter is giving me static. Went on for months. At the beginning of it, we had a conversation that I walked away from as her asking me "would you love me if". My D and I were very close for years. I knew at the time she was torn between wanting her mother back and seeing me. It became almost obligation for her. Very difficult as her mother started having time to be in her life again after having been gone for so many years emotionally. I didn't discourage it nor did I say bad things about her mom to her or my son. I simply mentioned it was her mom's choice and that she loved them.
I didn't realize she would use them as pawns. I figured if I was going to keep them as off-limits and focus elsewhere, so would she. Oops. She put my D directly into it. Still does.
What saddens me the most is that my D will pay that price. At this point in time, I don't need my D here as much as she needs to be here with her dad. I know it is confusing for her to see her mom try and erase me from her life and later change that. To see her try to replace me with the OM even with my kids. And yet, to be distant at the same time.
I come at this from a different side. I'm not the one who needed to leave. I'm not the one that relived their childhood, spewed anger and rage, nor abandoned the kids. Yet, I'm the one that sees the damage to my kids being done by their mother's anger. Neither of my kids blame themselves which was a relife to find out. They are otherwise healthy. But my D has a long hard road ahead to figure some of this stuff out and I hate that for her. There was a time I was tempted to knock some sense into the OM for what he is doing. His own D (he has three) won't talk to him for leaving her mom.
The cycle continues. It's all about anger and selfishness. Unbridled. It's about fear and control. It's sad to see because of the impact on my D especially.
When you consider your actions and how you deal with things, please also consider the future for your kids. What is happening now, is just a point in time. One that you'll come to appreciate if you work at it. You'll see things differently at a later date, and your words will stay forever in their minds.
But he will always be their dad no matter how he changes. And you will always be their mother. No matter future spouses, they will never be "family" in the same way.
My father is the son of a divorced family. He was 16. My grandmother died when I was 5. He is still friends with his mom's second husband because he treated his mom well. But he is not "family" in the same way as my grandfather. My father remembers how this man treated him, his brother, and his mom all these years later. It lasts.
My last .02 worth. I'll be quiet about it now. AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I was keeping quiet until now, and I just want to brush some points:
Originally Posted By: AJM
Full disclosure: My daughter doesn't talk to me. She struggles to remain angry. Seems she has her mother to help (guessing based on conversations.)
That ^^^^^^ is my D14, right now. Actually, for at least a year.
I use the term "co-dependent" when I talk about D14 and her mom. I hate using that term because I feel people think I'm using it as an excuse. The best I can say is, it took two years of being with my W before I spent more time sleeping in the marital bed, then D14 did. My W appears to have completely oblivious to the conversations that D14 was exposed to, growing up.
Now, over the past 2 plus years, D14 has been with my W during the times W was having discussions with her friends about leaving me. D14 spends more time hanging out with OM1 and OM3 than with me.
For all intents and purposes, D14 no longer speaks to me. I have tried reaching out a few times over the past couple months, and every time I get the same type of curt, terse response (if any) that I get from my W.
My W's response to my queries about this? D14 is a teenager having teenager behaviours and "this will pass".
I can be emotionally dead and agree with people who might suggest that and completely and totally off the mark that D14's attitude towards me has anything to do with W.
I guess...
Parents influence their children. Not just by words, but moreso by the parents actions. Kids watch and study their parents and their parent's behaviour towards others, including their spouses, Xs, etc...
I'm guilty of being that example at times, as well...
