How many licks does it take...?

[zig]

thanks for posting that 2tp - i'm copying it out - it's a great way to approach oneself

don't be discouraged by where you're at.

try not to see it in terms of time - it really helps to drop the time factor. your growth is for yourself first and foremost and maybe possibly later for your w and r.

relish that, enjoy it and focus completely on it. and let everything else happen whichever way it does.

hope you have a great week

zig

[2thepoint]

Thanks Zig - Thanks for stopping by. I'm glad you could make use of the information in my last post. I thought it was appropriate to the LBS because we tend to believe the "lie" after our WAS drops the bomb on our heads and until we trust the "truth" it is very hard to move forward.

[bustorama]

Yeah, the perception of the LBS is just as skewed as that of the WAS after the bomb -- often, for months thereafter. It's like a collusion of lies and half-truths. Then, usually the LBS begins to wake up to the truth a bit earlier than the WAS, hopefully, but often not, without resentment.

Both the book and the men's group sound like interesting propositions. When would the men's group be starting? I think you'd be great in that role.

The cards and mackerel meal sound great. Especially the tequila shots. I had flight of tequila tasters the other day. Or maybe it was 2 flights? There was turbulence thereafter.

I'm glad you went back to the mountain bike. Not just for the riding but for exposing yourself to the potential discomfort of talking about the sitch. Take it by the horns, 2thepoint. Confront your brutal reality right through to the other side.

at the invitation of my W, we went to the gym to hang by the pool with her and some close family friends. I should have known better!

In which ways do you mean that?

BTW, what exactly is the 'public' status of things? Do your close friends know what is up? Family? What is public knowledge and what is not? And why?

she says, "we need to get moving on selling our house."

Was this the first time this was mentioned explicitly during the last 10 months? I don't recall it having been an issue/goal before but maybe I missed it?

It is clear from this discussion that after 10 months post bomb, 8 months since I moved out and 5 months since her near death experience, that she is not moving any closer to considering a R. In fact she seems more intent than ever in moving on. She is also a few short weeks away from her planned visit with the boys to see her family; minus me!

Yeah, man. Sounds like that is your brutal reality. So what is your plan to prevail over the next couple of months? =)

[/quote=2thepac]It has taken me a long time to reach this stage of renewal and acceptance. It just sux to have all this work amount to squat as it relates to my W.[/quote]

Yeah, I know all the work you have put into things. Keep renewing yourself. It's really about you now, always has been, but especially now.

[jbnati]

2tp, Sounded like a awesome Saturday!

It just sux to have all this work amount to squat as it relates to my W.

Yeah, it does. However, how far you've come should make it all worth it. I'd rather be you than your W. quite frankly. You can't look to your W for validation or invalidation. Discern the lie, and trust the truth. I understand, though, our Ws were at one time the source of truth. No more. Unfortuantely, they may still have the uncanny ability to get us wrapped in the lie.

[sayitaintso]

Book, men's group, and bike ride are awesome GAL Pac!!

Sorry about your w talking about moving, I know that was difficult to hear.

Were you expecting her to be somewhere else at this point?

A friend of ours told me about my sitch that my w told me she no longer wants to be married, with her words and her actions, and until she says and acts otherwise that is what it is. Its a harsh reality but one I've had to accept.

Best bro!!

[sayitaintso]

I guess it is time to start implementing my exit strategy.

So you have an exit strategy in mind? Please share...

[BFloat]

2.. i truly think you are such a great guy.. and an amazing father. your C is right.. you are quite the story teller!

it's really hard.. that step of letting go. there's that fear that if you plan your exit strategy, there may never be a way back. but i think there comes a point when you really need to do it in order to figure out who you are meant to be.

when i read your wife's comments about what "she" could afford.. i actually didn't see it as a complete negative. you have been such a strong source of strength for so long. i don't know how life will unfold for you.. but i truly believe that if there is any chance for a possible future.. your W will need to figure herself out. be on her own.. and then hopefully.. she will come to realize what a gift she had in you.

i'm sort of rambling. can't really get my thoughts all organized. ((((( )))))

[bustorama]

BTW, not saying it will happen in your sitch necessarily, but it is such a pattern. From Denver's recent update:

I ask for D in early May and she is moving back home in the middle of June! It's crazy!

Happened in mine and in so many others as well. When we give up the fear and start moving forward with our lives, our current, sad realities change. Sometimes, the WAS decides to rejoin, sometimes they don't. But, always the unhappy limbo is left behind.

[ces67]

2, you've got a lot of good stuff going on in your life and it's stuff that you have chosen for yourself. You've come such a long way. Keep on your path.

I'd like to hear about this exit strategy too!

[2thepoint]

Yeah, the perception of the LBS is just as skewed as that of the WAS after the bomb -- often, for months thereafter. It's like a collusion of lies and half-truths. Then, usually the LBS begins to wake up to the truth a bit earlier than the WAS, hopefully, but often not, without resentment.

You’re not kidding! I lived this for so many months, believing everything my W had said were my issues, my failures, my faults, etc. She claimed vague ownership of some parts of it but never gave specifics. It is difficult to keep the resentment from creeping in. There is some but it is under control.

Both the book and the men's group sound like interesting propositions. When would the men's group be starting? I think you'd be great in that role.

Thanks for the encouragement, Busto. My C said it would probably start in a few weeks. They just relocated their office and have significantly more space to work with so as they finally get settled, I think that is when things will kick off.

I'm glad you went back to the mountain bike. Not just for the riding but for exposing yourself to the potential discomfort of talking about the sitch. Take it by the horns, 2thepoint. Confront your brutal reality right through to the other side.

You are right, here. I’ve really wanted to avoid discussing the sitch with anyone from my bike crew. Thus my avoidance. But as it turned out, no one asked and I didn’t volunteer. It was a little awkward at the card game though when one of the guys suggested we have the next game at my place….uh, next topic please.

at the invitation of my W, we went to the gym to hang by the pool with her and some close family friends. I should have known better!

In which ways do you mean that?

BTW, what exactly is the 'public' status of things? Do your close friends know what is up? Family? What is public knowledge and what is not? And why?

My comment about knowing better has to do with my detachment. I’ve been doing a pretty good job in that area; actually having gone pretty dim in the past few weeks. Her comment just kind of threw me for a loop and I should have been prepared. That’s all.

Regarding public status, there are few people that know: W’s parents, brother and sister. Our close friends referenced above. My sister and a small handful of other close friends of mine.

I stopped wearing my ring about a month ago and so when I’m with people who I know but don’t know about the sitch and notice the missing ring, I tell them. I’m just not out broadcasting the news. There are a few women in our circle (wives of some of my riding buddies) who are big gossips. I haven’t told them, nor do I want to at this point.

As far as “what” is public knowledge, that really is just the fact that we are separated. I’ve not discussed my W’s EA/PA, except with my sister who I am very close with. The way I see it, I don’t need to create undo pain and suffering in my W with unnecessary disclosure of the details. I know there are some who feel differently about this but for me, this is the way I choose to handle this. I suppose time will tell if this is/was wise.

she says, "we need to get moving on selling our house."

Was this the first time this was mentioned explicitly during the last 10 months? I don't recall it having been an issue/goal before but maybe I missed it?

This is the first time she has brought this up specifically with regard to her being able to afford a house on her own. At the time she dropped the bomb, she had this idea that we would sell the house (it is too big and too expensive to maintain) and we’d each buy a house in the adjoining neighborhood...and presumably we’d live happily ever after.

She has been slowly working to clean out the junk that has accumulated over our 19 year marriage and so she may just now feel like the time is right to get things moving. The thing is, since I’ve gone considerably dim over the past several weeks, I have not been helping with much of anything. And so there is still quite a few maintenance/repair items that need to be attended to before we could put the house on the market.

It is clear from this discussion that after 10 months post bomb, 8 months since I moved out and 5 months since her near death experience, that she is not moving any closer to considering a R. In fact she seems more intent than ever in moving on. She is also a few short weeks away from her planned visit with the boys to see her family; minus me!

Yeah, man. Sounds like that is your brutal reality. So what is your plan to prevail over the next couple of months? =)

I have completed a thorough review of our finances and have determined that if things go south, we will both be fine financially. She can go live her dream of living in a house of her choosing away from me and I can do the same.

I'm nearing the end of my real estate sales training and so I've got that to look forward to. I've also had some pretty good success lately with my little real estate investment business, so that is a plus.

Recently, I joined a few Meetup groups, one of which is a bachata/salsa dance group. Surprising, even for me, I RSVP’d to an event for next Sunday. I am not a dancer...at all! So this is a huge risk for me. I’m hoping it will be fun. We shall see.