I don't know how to have a relationship with him where the effort isn't all coming from me.
He didn't call or send a card or anything for my birthday. Didn't hear anything from him except a couple links sent by e-mail to stuff that isn't even interesting to me until I called him for Thanksgiving.
Never did get any kind of acknowledgement/apology about missing my birthday. Got a guilt trip for not calling more often. And got to listen to him complain about everything for 20 minutes.
I don't even want to talk to him because all he does is complain, but I do because I feel obligated to. But the passive aggressive comments and guilt trips about not calling more often really discourage me from calling more often.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I don't even want to talk to him because all he does is complain, but I do because I feel obligated to. But the passive aggressive comments and guilt trips about not calling more often really discourage me from calling more often.
Completely agree. I feel exactly that way with my Mom. Just shows that those tactics never work in relationships.
I would keep up the NC and go dark for now... Oh wait we're talking about your Dad
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
No, it doesn't work. And no, it's not likely he'll change.
The easiest thing to do is NC.
Trying to actually have a relationship, that's hard. Even trying to think of things to talk to him about is ridiculously hard. Can't talk about dating anyone because then I'll get the third degree on that and wondering if I'm ever going to remarry and when I'm going to have kids. Can't talk about the holiday parties or going wine tasting with my friends or anything because then I'll get the lecture about how alcoholism runs in his side of the family and I shouldn't be drinking at all. If I talk about the house, I either spent too much or not enough or did it the way he absolutely wouldn't have done it.
I was talking to my sister about the situation and she told me that I should try and get past caring about his opinion, and that if I don't feel that he's judging me maybe I'd have an easier time talking to him and ignoring his comments. I pointed out that it's not about whether I feel like he's judging us, he IS and he has no problem saying so, or better yet passive agressively sending out mass e-mails in which he fails to say who prompted the e-mail but hopes the semi-public guilt trip will change the behavior. And everything we fail to do is a personal affront to him, he often makes comments that he failed as a parent or obviously failed to get through to us.
I guess I just don't even know what to talk about with him besides the weather. I'm certainly not sure what to do about his birthday - I wouldn't know what to get him, but I'm also still pissed about the fact that he didn't call, send a card/e-card, present, even a text message for my birthday, so I'm tempted to ignore his birthday.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I kinda have the same thing with my dad and I'm living with him. He moans and moans. There is no point in asking how his day was, it's the same every time- negativity. The way I have dealt with it is to just be/ show kindness whatever because at the end of the day his griping is his own unhappiness with his life and not yours, my dad just can't express his feelings so it comes out in other ways. The kindness thing is working, he is much better. It just took a bit of time and hardening on my part in not taking things personally. We actually ended up having a nice evening watching telly tonight- not one single moan.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, hang in there cos he's your dad. But I know how frustrating it must be.
