TIME for a change

[Brit45]

unfortunately since I love my W the fact that she is still with the OM is upsetting to me.

I love my H. He is living with his GF. That is not changing how I'm acting towards him or how I'm living my life. He made the decision to be with her almost 5 months ago. I accepted it. She made the decision to be with him ONE YEAR ago. Accept it. And no, you haven't accepted it or else you wouldn't be changing how you REACT or FEEL based on whether things between them are fizzling or not.

He is choosing to spend time with me versus him which I take as a plus.

stop framing everything up to have to do with your W and the OM. In fact I would challenge you to not write about the OM or your W's R with him in any post. Forget about, ignore it, etc. You need to refocus your energy on you and rebuilding a FRIENDSHIP with her.

If things go well with SS on Monday I think I’ll lead in with, “Hope you are doing well, I like SS chances of making the baseball team this year!”

NO! no leading in. no texting her. I'm a single mum again. H is involved in his SS's life. If I felt like a man was using my S to be able to text me about something I would go ballistic. You haven't even spent the time with SS and you're already looking 2 steps ahead to how you can use this as an excuse to text your W. I know you will tell me that's NOT what you're doing. But subconciously you are. Do NOT text her. Enjoy the time with SS regardless of whether W cares or not. If you two never ever reconcile do not play games with this kid. Be in his life consistantly and you will be a wonderful man for that.

Your very text is pursuit. You are pursuing a conversation with her. Don't text her. You two aren't there yet for you to be the first to text and it not be seen as pursuit. Please please please don't text.

When I speak of the past in my sitch it is always going to show contempt for my wife, I don’t know that I can spin things in any different way. Many screwed up things have happened on both our parts, nothing anybody can do to change that.

Through forgiveness. H hurt me...a lot. There are things I don't even talk about on this board. And things that I did that I'm ashamed of. I've forgiven us both. I look back say I was hurt by his actions because I was feeling abandoned and rejected and I understand now that he wasn't rejecting me or abandoning me he was making decisions he felt was best for the family. He was emotionally unavailable because x, y, and z. Empathy and forgiveness can change the way you see the past. If you decide that you'll always see things a certain way and that you'll just sweep them under the rug because you two or even or you've just "put the past behind you" you'll never heal. I'm not saying you have to have long drawn out discussions but you have to deal with those hurts or they'll eat away with you whether in this R or another.

[Broken74]

Thanks again Brit! :-)

You're right, I'm not over it nor have I accepted it. My W left for me another man. I don't know how to accept it, it is still unbelievable to me. I need to figure out how to accept it obviously. Perhaps I have accepted it in a way since having done anything stupid after recently confirming their R.

Your right on the SS front, I am spending time with him and would like to with my other SK's for them and me. I won't be speaking of my W at all. Thank you for setting me straight, there is no need to text and YOU SPUN IT SO I CAN SEE HOW IT WOULD BE PURSUIT and I greatly appreciate that because that's been one of the things I haven't grasped yet. So we'll hit some baseballs and get Japanese food on Monday. I've decided I'm not even going to ask my W permission, he is asking me to hang out and is 17 so I'm going to risk assume her not having an issue with it. I do want to have a relationship with my SK's if possible. Thank you for your single mom viewpoint, I wouldn't have came to the conclusions you did on my own for sure.

I still have a lot of work to do on forgiveness, I work on it every day. I think I could have dealt with her just walking away, that was justified. To start the affair while we were still together and then tricking me out of the house I built for our family and taking all possessions of value while leaving me their trash to clean up was uncalled for. I think coming back to that shell of a house with their trash in it with everything of sentimental value left behind was worse than the bomb itself. Self diagnosis above to concentrate on forgiveness for sure.

And from this point forward I am no longer going to mention W R with or the OM at all..... And focus on being a friend to my W if the opportunity presents itself.

Thanks again Brit, GAL long weekend for me hope all you guys have a good one! :-)

[Brit45]

I think I could have dealt with her just walking away, that was justified. To start the affair while we were still together

so suss out the feelings that the affair makes you feel..rejection? insecurity? and work on healing that inside you.

Also I gained a lot of weight during my marriage and have recently lost it...50 pounds. I am realising that a lot of how I saw myself with and without the weight have had an impact on me. For you to go from 300 to whatever you are now there are things inside you, that you probably need to deal with.

then tricking me out of the house I built for our family and taking all possessions of value while leaving me their trash to clean up was uncalled for.

people do things for all sorts of reasons and yes some people do things because they are horrible people but either you heal from the hurt and forgive or you decide this is someone you don't want to be with. In my mind you can't be both....either she has treated you HORRIFICALLY and you don't want to be with someone who can do this...or you have decided that this was done for some reason that isn't there any more and you've forgiven her. I can't understand how you can still be so upset by her actions and yet want to win her back? And it doesn't make you a hero or an amazing person to say look how horrible she was and I still want to be with her...that's i don't know f*cked up in a way like using her shortcomings to prove your awesomeness. i'm not saying you're doing that...I'm just saying that's what it would be.
If you don't forgive her in your heart, if you do ever R you'll hold this over her head or it will slip out when you're angry etc.

[Broken74]

Thanks Brit,

You're right I am still working on both of those sets of feelings, I think for the first it's rejection after trying to do what I thought was right to make them happy. My self esteem issues are another ball of wax that I work on.

The reason I want to R is because I love her and my stepkids. I realize that my behavior (my infidelity when we were dating and verbal abuse during the marriage) I am sure are what led her to justify her decision making. This is how I can forgive her. I pushed her to the brink and into the arms of the OM. She had said she forgave me for my missteps during our dating but that obviously not the case. She mentioned this in chats with the OM and brought it up to me multiple times. The thing was I did change and never looked at another woman during our engagement or marriage. I still need to work on full forgiveness since holding on to ill feelings doesn't accomplish anything. One thing that makes that difficult is that I alone will be cleaning up the financial fallout from this for at least a couple of years if not more, depends on how much I will lose on the house when I sell it. I need to find some good forgiveness books and read them, the last book I read no more mr. nice guy really rang true with me and helped me out a lot.

I think I'm finally getting I can't control any of it, it doesn't matter what I do. I can just be the best man I can be for me, and see what happens.

Thanks again and have a good weekend, new start for me now and new thread to match next week! :-)

[Brit45]

I think you're sounding different and better different.

good.

[25yearsmlc]

Brit's posts to you have been spot on. Read them carefully. Often...like when you start getting riled up again, read what she wrote.

Thanks Brit,

You're right I am still working on both of those sets of feelings, I think for the first it's rejection after trying to do what I thought was right to make them happy. My self esteem issues are another ball of wax that I work on.


From what I read, you bought them things...but you were critical of them. And you were abusively obnoxious when you drank, and that was fairly often for a short marriage (you had something like 5 big rows in less than 2 years? For a woman with kids, that is frightening as hell).

I'm glad you see that you pushed her away and by owning your role in her affair, you can see why forgiving her is mandatory and reasonable.

it's also mandatory b/c you cannot reconcile without forgiving. The worst choice to make is to stay married AND stay miserable. She clearly wanted to forgive you but my guess is she did not feel safe with you.


Your self esteem does sound fragile and that's NOT HER fault.

Our adult self esteem comes solely from within us. It may be shaped by our parents and childhood but at some age, you can no longer hold someone else responsible for how you see yourself.

I read what you wrote about your first m. I got no insights from you..."Married the wrong person" Is classic WAS talk.

My intent in asking about what you learned from your first divorce was, What did you learn about yourself?

The reason I want to R is because I love her and my stepkids. I realize that my behavior (my infidelity when we were dating and verbal abuse during the marriage) I am sure are what led her to justify her decision making. This is how I can forgive her. I pushed her to the brink and into the arms of the OM. She had said she forgave me for my missteps during our dating but that obviously not the case. She mentioned this in chats with the OM and brought it up to me multiple times.


She may well have forgiven you in the sense that she wasn't angry about it anymore. Or she wanted to let go of it. And she probably wasn't holding it over your head. But that does not mean she felt the same about you as she did before you mistreated her. How could she?

I mean, she probably saw you in a different light b/c hey, you were pretty unkind.

You resented her for the purchases YOU made, which you supposedly bc you wanted her to be happy. Do you see how wacky that is?

Anyhow, Forgiveness is not the same as amnesia.


The thing was I did change and never looked at another woman during our engagement or marriage.

Hate to nitpick, but Didn't you cheat on her while engaged? As for changing...

Broken, no offense, okay? But when I was dating my H, or engaged &then when we were first married, I never looked at OM either.

Why would I? I was madly in love with my h.

When you say you "never looked at OW", it makes it sound as if you sacrificed something or gave up something or achieved something. Were you a serial cheater before you met her or what?

To me, at that stage of a new R, w/marriage on the horizon, shouldn't fidelity be a given & come naturally?


I still need to work on full forgiveness since holding on to ill feelings doesn't accomplish anything. One thing that makes that difficult is that I alone will be cleaning up the financial fallout from this for at least a couple of years if not more, depends on how much I will lose on the house when I sell it.

Must you sell it? It is possible you can weather the storm til the real estate market returns?


I need to find some good forgiveness books and read them, the last book I read no more mr. nice guy really rang true with me and helped me out a lot.

Good....maybe Try Marianne Williamson's books on Anger and forgiveness. She's a bit new agey for some, but she has some forgiveness exercises in her books and examples, that helped me a lot.

I think I'm finally getting I can't control any of it, it doesn't matter what I do. I can just be the best man I can be for me, and see what happens.


it does matter what you do. But you cannot control the OUTCOME of the situation (which is your chronic issue)

so your actions must be all about you being the best man you can be, working ONLY ON YOURSELF...and then leaving the results up to God.

Thanks again and have a good weekend, new start for me now and new thread to match next week! :-)

[Broken74]

Brit and 25,

Thanks again and as always for your feedback. It's a wrap for me. Got a text from W on Saturday:

W: I heard there's a batting cage outing planned on Monday. That's cancelled now. Don't contact SS again.

Me: SS asked me to hang out. "How about we go to a batting cage and u pitch some to me and me hit? I'm trying to work on my batting cause I wanna tryout for baseball again." I was going to ask you about this tomorrow what is your deal?

W: We're getting divorced. I'm filing papers soon. Leave us alone. Good bye

Probably shouldn't have done it but I called her to discuss the closing of the car and the things I still have at her house. She is full bore with the OM and is not looking back. On the bright side I've made arrangements to pick up the car and my items next Monday.

25, you noted you cannot reconcile without forgiving. It is clear based on our conversation that she has not forgiven me. You also noted the worst choice to make is to stay married AND stay miserable. Nothing about our conversation was pleasant, her words, her tone, and her voice all made the hair on the back of my neck stand up and I felt like I was listening to nails on a chalkboard. After this talk it is clear she is done, it is also clear to me that she is no longer worth my time.

Congratulations to the OM, he can have her and they deserve each other. So goes another chapter of my life, I've really learned a lot from this one.

About time to kick off a closing thread, thanks to everyone who has taken the time to read and provide feedback to my sitch. I'm looking forward to what the future has in store, nowhere to go but up from here! Good luck to all in your respective sitch's!

[Denver_2010]

I'm sorry Broken. That was a tough exchange that you had with your W. I think that you have the right course of action planned though. Move on. You never know what the future holds, but you do have to watch our for YOU and your emotional health.

On another note, I would listen to her and not contact your SK's. Obviously you don't want to be hit with another protection order. Contact your SS when he turns 18 to see if he still wants a R with you. That's all that you can do. The rest is on her.

Denver

[Broken74]

Thanks Denver, as always I appreciate it my friend! I hope that she told my SS that she forbid us to meet. I'd venture to say that she probably didn't so he would think I blew him off to fit her agenda.

The folks in my anger management class tonight(Only 3 left!!! result of my confronting the OM at her house) seem to think that she is feeling me out. They think she'll start apologizing before next Monday to try and extend her holding on the car. Based on the sound of her voice and the conversation we had I don't think so. She has absolutely villified me, despite doing nothing but nice things for her and the kids over the past few months it honestly felt like she hates me now more than ever.

I'll probably kick up a new thread next Monday with what happens. I'm going to send her an email on Friday asking her to send me one detailing the nature of our meeting, and asking her to put some items in the car, and to drop it off at a local shopping center (public place) with the keys in it, and I will get it from there. I am going to do this because of her demeanor and history I honestly wouldn't put it past her to lie to the cops again to somehow extort further money from me or make my life more difficult. That's as good a reason as any to be done right? It's a shame I can't trust her any further than I could throw her

Thanks again for your feedback and well wishes Denver, greatly appreciated. Hope you had a good trip! Good luck to all in your respective sitch's!

[unbidden]

I don't think you need to have her leave the car in a public place but you should have a witness with you at all times and to all conversations so she can't make up smack.