Alien Invasion...help

[labug]

GAL, it's not our place at this point in the R. What do you think his reactions would be if you brought up ADs?

Depression is a tricky subject even in a good marriage; in a marriage on the rocks it can be like a match to gasoline.

Take care of you.

[Takevowsserious]

Dear GB,

I completely understand where you are coming from. It's hard when we see someone that we love and care about so much hurting and being self destructive. It has taken me a long time to understand that we can't help them. I still struggle with it.

Their crap is their crap, and they truly are the only ones that can figure it out.

Things that seem obvious to us (and sometimes everyone else) they are oblivious to.

Logic really isn't in their vocabulary right now.

We have to stick to making ourselves happy. I know that can be tough. May I recommend a spa day?

[GALbaby]

Thanks for your comments. It is hard to sit back and watch people we care about self-destruct, and in turn destroy their relationships and family. I know the best thing is to let it go.

However, I do have some positive news to report. H made an effort this weekend. Just prior to the bomb, H, who is a mad golfer, had arranged golf lessons for me and we had been practising together. I've used his passion for it as a tool to connect with him and show more interest. Something which is a 180 for me. I had refused to play for many years or take much interest in it. Now we often sit down together and watch golf on the TV. He loves pointing things out to me and giving me commentary about different aspects of the game.

For the first time in 3 months, he asked me if I would like to go out!! to buy some golf shoes and other things, and that's a positive. We spent a few hours looking in different golf warehouses checking things out and buying some stuff.

Later we had a dinner date with friends together with our son 18 who H has been disconnected from for many months and especially since the bomb drop. We had a fun night. It was good to see H happy. Obviously continuing with DB techniques and trying not to have expectations, I went to my room and H went to his.

As hard as it is not to get excited, it has given me more incentive to push on with DB'ing and remember the mantra "patience, patience, patience".

All the best to everyone out there working on their R's. Keep strong.

[reachingHigher]

I like the connecting where he is at idea! That's at the core of every thing I've ever seen of how to approach someone to open their heart.

I noticed, yesterday, since reading your comment, my H has a thing for music. At one point yesterday, even though he had a busy evening planned, he copied a song to his smartphone to play for me so we could identify some words in the middle. Your post made my radar go up "this important to him"!

Thanks. That's what I like about sharing here--helping each other.

Hard not to have expectations about your H after the fun evening, but if you were making a brand new friend it would fun too!

So you are connecting with him in a new way! That's what young teenagers do when they are interested in a boy....just so it's genuine, I suppose, and not a tactic.

I had a long term boyfriend years ago before H that LOVED guns and reloading ammo. You can't imagine how BORING I found that. To sit for hours and watch him reload ammo and talk about the nuances of it. I went to gun shows and learned all about guns, learned to shoot at a range. Guess what he got me for Christmas -- yup, a gun! Golf looks like a party compared to that to me!!! (my apologies to anyone who has the gun interests--just saying I wasn't interested)

[Takevowsserious]

That sounds like fun GB!

It IS hard not to be excited about such a great positive. Connecting with your H is a good thing, so I'm glad you enjoyed your time together. I think that is awesome you kept with DBing, and went to your room. You showed your H you can have fun together without it turning into a big R pow wow. Good for you!!!!

Here is a quote I just found on another site that has been very helpful to me:

"Detaching is freeing yourself from the burden of making him better. I can love my H with all my heart, but I can't take care of him right now. He has to take care of himself. That's where we step back and say, 'this is his drama, not mine' and 'I'll cross that bridge when I come to it'. No jumping ahead, no filling in the blanks with our own version of what might or might not happen.

This is detaching... Don't try to figure out what he's thinking or what he wants. HE can't even do that, and he's inside his own head."

Hope you find some comfort and hope in this. Stay strong GB, I know you can do it!

[GALbaby]

RH..it was something my DB coach said about men wanting us to think they are "just it" and they love being experts at something, so I use the golf to allow him to do this. I know very little about it so he can and does give me plenty of advice. It can get a bit much but hey I figure..if I was just starting to go out with him..I would be probably (and probably did) hanging off every word he said. Glad its helpful to you to share this bit of advice.

TVS ..what I liked best was that I went to my room "first". I gave H no opportunity to think I would be swooning at his feet. It made me feel like I was in control and not at the mercy of "what is he going to do next". I can't afford to get excited anyway. H has done this divorce thing to me many times over the last 12 months. This time if we get through this it has to be done right. I was guilty of all the things we all do previously and I wish I had known better in the past, I might have avoided this or at least made it less painful. Although with an MLC'er its hard to know. Take care of yourself TVS and thanks for your valuable comments. You are an amazing lady.

[Takevowsserious]

I am so proud of how you handled yourself for the golf "date"!

I read somewhere (sometimes it is overwhelming how much stuff I try to read!) that MCLers are attracted to the LBS's back. The less we pursue them, the more interested in us they become. So far, I have found this to be very true.

There were SO many times that I wished I could go back in time with the knowledge that I have now. I wish I was aware of DB prior to the bomb. I've beaten myself up over it many times. But now I've accepted that the MLC would have happened no matter what. I didn't cause it and I couldn't prevent it. It is about him, not me.

All we can do is make ourselves better - not for them, but for us. I think I have spent too many years living for other people anyway, and it turned me into someone I not only didn't recognize, but ultimately didn't like very much.

You are an amazing lady too... Don't ever forget it !!!

[reachingHigher]

Oh I LOVE this thread!

Tvs, I identify with everything you said!

GB, was it really three months he hasn't asked you to do anything with him?

THAT is a long time!!

[GALbaby]

RH..go to TVS's stranger in my house thread..there is more valuable advice and funny stories we shared theret too

[reachingHigher]

Ok, I read it all and enjoyed every post! It'll help me with balance in my R. I need to read all the resource threads too. Thanks for the referral. It helps me with courage to know other people are facing the same issues.