Finished finals and as I anticipated, just passing the one test wasn't enough to keep me from having to take the class again next semester. It was a very hard test and nobody scored higher than a 75%. Oh well, better luck next semester I suppose.
Yet it's this very attitude that I have that has me questioning, always questioning. I care enough to try hard on everything, which is more than I had ever amounted to in my prior life, but I accept the outcome and place one foot in front of the other in the direction of the next challenge.
Something else that got my noodle all bunched up was at the doctors office, my regular doctor and not the one that told me about my cancer diagnosis. Anywho, she asked about changes and I mentioned that my W moved out and I learned about my diagnosis soon after. My Dr about flipped out. I like her better than my therapist, she's fun. But she said some things that got me thinking. She said that when I hit the ground, and I will, she would be there for me ( about the cancer not marriage ). I told her I know I'm repressing some feelings, but haven't had much time to get down into them. She said some things that made me think she too has been through some of this before ( the marriage stuff ), but it's none of my business so I don't desire to ask about it. But I couldn't stop thinking - Why? Why should I hit the floor or be bummed or be sad or angry? Why can't I just be me?
I'm different today than I was pre-MLC, but I'm not that far off of who I was before in regards to living life in denial.
I haven't had any dreams of my W lately. Its been nice. I prayed and asked if I could get some help with the dreams stopping and so far, so good for now. I don't need to feel her anger in my sleep as I had been. Regardless, I've been thinking over the weekend, really trying hard to tap into why I'm angry with my W.
I know I'm worth fighting for and her choosing not to fight for me is not the source of my anger as I had been inclined to think. More and more it "seems" like it's the lack of trust in me that she has. I believe a person is bound by their word and that's a reflection of who they are. I take great pride in my honesty and/or my intentions. My W not believing me does frustrate me greatly. I'm getting a bit too close to initiating the paperwork for D. I'm getting tired of waiting. I wrote out a budget of all of my expenditures, named each item I'm aware of and even included copies of some bills. I'm even including the receipt of the work done on the car this weekend and how much I had withdrawn from my 401K to use to pay for it. I also added that I used some of that to pay two other bills and new shoes for the kids before school starts up. I did this because I know she thinks I'm sitting on piles of money because I make more than her and she's going to come at me about school shopping for the kids soon. I don't want to hear it. When I drop the kids off today, all of the papers I wrote up will be included with her mail.
At this point I don't care what she does with it. If she takes it to a lawyer, I don't care. It will stink, but maybe it would take a lawyer to get her to realize that one huge way to get more money from me would be to get rid of that $600 car payment of hers that I make every month. I'm discusted with how much of my life I wasted on believing that keeping up with the Jones's was what I was supposed to be doing.
I'm also frustrated that the EA/OM is 'always' coming to the rescue of my W whenever S12 tries to talk to her about his feelings and frustrations. I do hate that, but I can't do or say anything as i'm the bad guy and he's there for her best interests - as the two of them see it. Where my kids are involved, I'm not happy when I feel helpless and I don't like the anger. I know that what will be, will be when given the time needed. S12 badgers me about caring about his mom and believes I shouldn't. The fact of the matter is is that I don't care about her anymore and that angers me, but I can't tell him that. I can't tell my kids that I would be okay if I never saw or spoke to their mother again.
I don't know what she thinks anymore, but it sure feels like I'm less than dirt. Being 21 again isn't going to be so much fun when you have to grow up a second time.
Just ranting as I pursue my thoughts. I'm trying to write down my thoughts so I can view them and maybe expunge my mind and heart of these feelings. I'm just tired of all of this nonsense anymore. Just let me go already.........why can't I let go!
). I told her I know I'm repressing some feelings, but haven't had much time to get down into them. She said some things that made me think she too has been through some of this before ( the marriage stuff ), but it's none of my business so I don't desire to ask about it. But I couldn't stop thinking - Why? Why should I hit the floor or be bummed or be sad or angry? Why can't I just be me? 
