If She Won't Stop the Affair?

[25yearsmlc]

25

Why don't you just leave me alone.

3 years I have posted here and now you figure it is time to go on the attack of my posts. Derail a thread because you think my tone is wrong.

Instead of writing another option for WS you waste time and energy getting in a disagreement with me over tone.

I am going to continue to write to WS. And give my opinions on enabling a cheating spouse and following DB from one man to another.

You are free to join in and offer your advice.

But stop with attacking the poster nonsense.

I will stop it as well.

As we are both here to help.

On our own time.

it's not the tone (although you're right in that I said that word, once) so much as It's that you actively don't follow the DB advice and you don't admit it.

I DO NOT KNOW if it's "wrong" to come here and espouse your own views -Starsky does it often, but he usually admits it is his own view or that it "might not be traditional" DBing and he goes on to state what HIS experience is. It just bugs me when you post it on a DB site and don't disclose that it's your own view.

That's it.

[GH31]

Hi 25yearsmlc and Won'tStop,

it's not the tone (although you're right in that I said that word, once) so much as It's that you actively don't follow the DB advice and you don't admit it.

Is there one DB advice?

I thought the fundamental principle of "DBing" is "do what works, reject what doesn't work".

This follows that what is DB in one situation will not be DB in another, depending on the effectiveness of the approach.

I have never seen anything "work" in a situation with an adulterous wife where the husband didn't take a very strong stand against the lies, drama, cake eating and parasitism that invariably accompanies an affair not to mention the cheating itself.

Wont Stop, in my view and in my experience, this affair your Mrs. is engaged in will not stop unless/until she unterstands what life without you is really like. Her moving out, and no contact with you would likely accomplish this. Lovingly separating (getting her out) and pitch, uttermost darkness will show her what I am referring to.

I am very sure she isn't "done" with you but you do really need to get lovingly ruthless here.

Not easy but absolutely necessary.

[Starsky309]

And in Virginia, if you have sex with your partner, it is considered forgiveness, and the whole affair is forgiven, up to that date.

This is true in many (most?) jurisdictions. It's considered forgiveness, and tacit approval of an open marriage, and nullifies any infidelity charges as grounds in "fault" states.

It's considered "Condonation" IF and ONLY IF you return to the marital bed and even then,

it only prevents the LBSer from throwing the affair in the face of the former WAS, LATER-like years after you have supposedly gotten over it or worked thru or

AND OR forgiven it. Once it IS actually truly "forgiven", most mc's say it's supposed to be gone...finito...

It's not to make the LBS withold forgiveness; it's designed so that a WAS spouse who screws up (for whatever reason), and cheats but then comes home and works it out==and renews the marriage,

doesn't have it come back to haunt them years later. That way, It's not a
"secret weapon" for the LBS to eternally have "in case things don't work out" the exact way the LBSer wants. It's not actually "forgiveness" per se.

Sorry if that's not clear but I can't think of another way of saying it without posting an actual case and that will bore you A LOT...

Starsky

25,

I was speaking only in the legal sense (as was the poster to whom I was responding); not sure where all this "throw in the face" emotional rant came from, but this seems to be a constant trigger with you.

We weren't advising anything different from what any good family law attorney would tell them. Christian, marital "forgiveness" is a completely different topic.


Starsky

[Starsky309]

Hi 25yearsmlc and Won'tStop,

it's not the tone (although you're right in that I said that word, once) so much as It's that you actively don't follow the DB advice and you don't admit it.

Is there one DB advice?

I thought the fundamental principle of "DBing" is "do what works, reject what doesn't work".

This follows that what is DB in one situation will not be DB in another, depending on the effectiveness of the approach.

I would agree with this. And I don't understand anyway why an alternate view would be so threatening, when everyone here is only trying to help.


Starsky

[chatterbug]

Actually for GAL, I was mistaken thinking it was Get A Lawyer instead of Get A Life. :-/ Unintended newbie mistake.

I am trying to GAL. I took the kids out Friday night to a movie, then put them to bed. When my wife went out Saturday night I took the kids out to a public concert . Today I took the kids to Church and brunch. This is allowing her to go out with OM, so I feel used. I'm getting her to take the kids on Friday so I can go out with friends. But I feel like I am enabling her to do this.

One of the only parts of the DB process I don't get is when you have to spend time with the WW, like today when we went biking and got dinner with the kids. I kept up my confident smile and avoided saying too much in our conversations. But this is hard to keep up in the long term, and there were many times in our conversation where I was not sure what to say and how to say it. Of course the whole time I am thinking about what she is doing and how I wish we could go intp R. But I kept up the DB the whole evening. I can't tell you of the relief when I could go by myself to get the car. I could stop the act for a bit and felt better for it.

Just think the following.

I am not the one having an affair.

I am not the one who is weak.

Then smile.

Because if anyone should be feeling awkward.

It is not you.

And think about how messed up that is that it is you feeling awkward.

Then smile again.

[wont_stop]

Ok, next week will be a rough one. The kids will be going away Friday for a week. I'm assuming I need to keep busy over the weekend and next week and avoid her. So I am going to have to find things to keep me busy and away from her to let her know I am getting a life.

I am going out with friends Friday night. I can find a group to go out with on Saturday. Sunday is church. So, how do I fill in the gaps without getting depressed too much.

Second, She wants to go out after work to go biking. Should I say no and avoid any activities with her? If she is offering to do something, should I go ahead and just keep the conversations short? What's the best way to handle this.

I'm not looking forward to this, but thanks for all the support. Really!

[chatterbug]

Why do you have to let her know your getting a life?

You do these things for yourself.

On the biking question.

Do you want to go for a bike ride?

That should answer your question.


but to really answer your question that you did not ask.


Yes! It is unhealthy to walk around on egg shells and be afraid of your wife.


She cheats. You become afraid of her.

[adinva]

Hi - I'm sorry for your sitch. I do not know if my H does or doesn't have an A going on, so I can't speak to that. I only know he doesn't want to be married to ME, so it's been ME that I've been working on all this time, and I recommend to you that you work on YOU and start seeing if there are any things about you that you can improve to start being the better choice, for your W or whoever comes after her. Be an actor in your sitch, not a victim. Improve yourself.

But what I really popped in to tell you was about a week after my bomb date both of my kids went to summer camp and I had a whole week at home with just my H. I was very nervous and uncomfortable about it, going in. I ended up deciding to use the free time to do some activities we rarely ever had time to do, like long hikes and bike rides and workouts at the gym. I invited my H when I felt like it and sometime he came along. It was good, especially with the activity as a distraction, just to enjoy an activity together. We talked a little, but mainly I tried to avoid R talk as the DB method suggests.

I took it as an opportunity to quietly show him some of the good there was between us and to demonstrate emotional strength and restraint. It was hard, but no harder than avoiding him all week and feeling terrible about the bomb. The physical activity kept me exhausted and feeling good.

[MrBond]

" I'm assuming I need to keep busy over the weekend and next week and avoid her."

Why is someone forcing you to be busy? No one is twisting your arm. If you want to stay home and sulk, that's your choice as well.

"So I am going to have to find things to keep me busy and away from her to let her know I am getting a life."

No. Getting a life is more than just going out. It could be as simple as just taking a walk around the block, reading, meditating, praying, etc. Anything that helps you to recover yourself.

[25yearsmlc]

" I'm assuming I need to keep busy over the weekend and next week and avoid her."

Why is someone forcing you to be busy? No one is twisting your arm. If you want to stay home and sulk, that's your choice as well.

"So I am going to have to find things to keep me busy and away from her to let her know I am getting a life."


NO!!! OMG...
Please--PLEASE

IF YOU GET NOTHING OUT OF ALL THESE POSTS

BUT THIS--

seriously---PLEASE GET THIS!!!!


you are NOT, repeat, YOU ARE NOT GAL "to let HER know"----

a damn thing!


You are GAL for YOUR LIFE, YOUR ONE & ONLY LIFE, for it to improve!!!!!

She is NOT relevant to that process.


I don't know another way to say this. I'm so Sorry about the bluntness, but I really don't know...


You are the only party in the equation of how is in the equation


No. Getting a life is more than just going out. It could be as simple as just taking a walk around the block, reading, meditating, praying, etc. Anything that helps you to recover yourself.