Thanks YOU. Your thread has really helped me put things in focus and figure some stuff out. You seem to be doing the right things and I wish you all the best.
Regards,
Arsene
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Now that I have two jobs I am putting in almost 80 hours a week, exhausted! In regards to my 2nd job, I am going to need to talk to my boss today about my schedule. 40 hours a week for my 2nd job is just too much. It slows my progress on GAL and it’s taking away the time I have to spend with my kids. I just need to work on balancing it out.
Not much has changed with my sitch. It’s interesting when I drop off the kids, my W almost feels like a stranger now. It’s amazing, I’ve spent over 14 years with this woman and to have her feel like a stranger is so odd. We don’t talk about much. A lot of the time I don’t feel like talking about much with her. I also don’t ask her very many questions, I guess that’s ok. I actually get a little nervous when I am around her, hopefully it doesn’t show. I try and look good, smile and make the impression that everything is good.
I really need to get away from my negative thinking. My mind wanders the most when it’s my weekend to have the kids. I need to stop because it’s not productive. It might be natural for me to wonder, I just can’t help it. As I mentioned earlier, there’s a good chance she’s been with OM but that’s out of my control. I need to accept it, deal with it and move on. Easier said than done.
My W wants to sit down and talk with me about finances sometime this week. She’s going to send me an email. I mentioned that I have a very busy week and I asked her to send me a couple different times for us to meet so I can make sure it works with my schedule. I also need to work on finding a IC this week.
I miss my W soooo much. I probably wouldn’t be on this board unless I cared. I also need to realize we were in a toxic marriage. The interesting thing is I would probably take her back in a heartbeat even though it was not a healthy M, that’s probably not right. Obviously the ultimate goal would be to reconcile and have a healthy, secure and loving marriage.
Let’s see, my W and I separated, I’ve been a financial train wreck and my dad passed away, all this year! I’ve never been tested this much in my whole life. With that said, I am actually proud of myself in a way. I’ve been really down however I’ve remained resilient. I will be fine and I know I can make it!
Me(M):38 W:43 Together: 14 Married: 11 D:4 S:8 W wanted separation 5/5/12 Stopped living together 5/5/12 Currently DB’ing
“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude”. Thomas Jefferson
I read Denver’s thread. What a great success story, I needed it. It’s interesting because a friend of mine that I have a lot of respect for told me last night “The cards are stacked against most people when it comes to reconciliation”. Ouch! that stung. While it was difficult to hear from him, I understood. I think he mentioned this for two reasons. Number one, it’s true. Number two, he doesn’t want me to have unrealistic expectations. In other words, he doesn’t want me to get hurt even further if we don’t reconcile.
Ok, while on this rollercoaster I have LEARNED A TON but in my book, the learning’s just begun! My consensus so far- Time and time again I see a common and consistent theme with other people’s sitch’s, including Denver’s.
The LBS MUST MOVE ON AND COME TO TERMS THAT IT’S OVER AND ACCEPT IT. MAYBE NOT CARE ABOUT THE OUTCOME ANYMORE. MAYBE THE LBS IS FED UP, DONE, JUST FINISHED. IN FACT THIS IS WHATS NEEDED TO “MAYBE GET THE OPPORTUNITY TO WORK TOWARDS RECONSILIATION”.
Sorry, I am not yelling. I just had to do all caps because I think the above statement is extremely important. Another thing I find interesting is that a lot of people say piecing is the most difficult part. Yes, I shouldn’t put the cart before the horse but I can’t even image getting to that point right now. Just the thought of W wanting to work on our R seems nearly impossible.
I am curious what any of you think. Does what I say make sense? Would any of you agree or disagree with this?
rough: I've read the same thing over and over and think that im slowly becoming more ready to accept that its over. I think its incredibly hard to learn to accept it while at the same time not wanting your marriage to end.
With that being said....I have also worried about people saying the piecing is the hardest part. I really still believe that my WAW is willing to try to work this out, thats what she told me, and she's mentioned it to her family as well, but im not sure she's going to be willing to do much work to work it out. If that makes sense, I think if its easy and comfortable she'll go with it, but if it becomes even a little bit of a struggle I think she'll bail. But thats putting the cart before the horse so to speak.
As of now we're not really even speaking...the occasional text about S11, or a hi how are you when i go pick him up, but in almost 6 weeks nothing that even resembles a conversation.
Guess I have no advice for you other than to say the DB mantra, keep working on you, GAL, have some goals and I know you've done a good job trying to get your financial situation worked out, take pride it that and keep working. I've read enough of these stories to know that it can happen, and when it does it often seems like it comes out of the blue that they are interested all at once in talking about/working toward R.
It may never happen for some, but you have to keep moving forward and be ready if and when it does to show them the "new" you.
One other thing. W called me this morning and asked if it was ok to stop by my office at lunch time so we can discuss finances. I told her I didn’t know why we couldn’t just go over things on the phone and she agreed that would be fine. As much as I miss her, I am hurt and it’s actually easier for me to not be around her. When I do see her, I like to keep our interactions as brief as possible. What’s going through my head when W is around is get me the hell away from you!!!! I don’t show it on the outside but that’s how I feel on the inside.
Maybe I am becoming stoic, hardened, guarded, etc…. As difficult as it is, I just need to remember not to get mad, angry or bitter.
As usual, I miss having my family intact. I am still a stress case when it comes to the finances. I just try and remind myself that I was in a poor marriage. There’s sooo many things that I wouldn’t want to go back to. I guess I think about these things because they actually help protect me emotionally.
I’ve been going out with friends recently, much needed. I know it’s good for me. Probably going camping with some friends this weekend, that should be fun. We have a hoot and make sure to do a lot of fishing and skeet shooting.
rough....your doing great. Stay strong and keep working on you. I can sympathize with not wanting to see your wife....i feel the same thing, but for an exact opposite reason. As long as we're not around one another I do a good job detaching and not contacting her, but anytime we are talking in person I don't want it to end and probably drag things out and try to have more conversation than I should.
I think next time i'll use your thoughts next time we're near one another to remember how she's probably felling...that she would simply like to get the he!! away from me as quickly as possible, that way i'll end it before she gets uncomfortable.
Thank you very much for your support, I really appreciate it. It also sounds like you’re doing a great job working through this. (Well, the best we can, right?)
While reading your thread it looks like you were given some great advice from 2thepoint and Mrbond. I sometimes wonder if Mrbond should change names with 2thepoint, if you get my drift.
Carnac, you sound like me in a lot of ways. You seem very open minded to learning and taking and implementing idea’s from others on this board, that’s great. I am sure you’ve read some threads with some really closed minded people. Arrrrrr, those kind of people get under my skin sometimes. They will not change no matter what. And guess what, there failed relationship have no chance of changing either.
While going over your sitch I noticed that you were questioning where you went wrong in your marriage. It’s my assumption that we all have to mentally absorb our pitfalls if we want to succeed at our 180’s. I think my biggest pitfall was completely summarized in one of the post’s on my thread. It’s the one where I responded to my W’s email. I really needed some help composing my email response to W. I am grateful that I received some help from accuray. He’s very sharp and he did a great job helping me articulate my thoughts in an eloquent way.
I also noticed that you might hold on to the conversations with your W a bit too long. That’s great that your noticing those things. We have to realize and be aware of these things if we want to improve right?
The LBS MUST MOVE ON AND COME TO TERMS THAT IT’S OVER AND ACCEPT IT. MAYBE NOT CARE ABOUT THE OUTCOME ANYMORE. MAYBE THE LBS IS FED UP, DONE, JUST FINISHED. IN FACT THIS IS WHATS NEEDED TO “MAYBE GET THE OPPORTUNITY TO WORK TOWARDS RECONSILIATION”.
Hi Rough. I don't know if this ^^ is always true, but I've read enough stories on this site to know that it true much of the time.
What your friend said about the cards being stacked against you? I can't lie. They are. I came to this site in December of 2010. Myself and a few other members that joined around the same time formed a group, BITS (Brothers in the Sh*t). Of that group of about 15-20 members, only three of us are really left standing. The others are all divorced or on course to be very soon.
I say this, because I don't think that anyone should be given false hope that what you learn from all of the books, or here on this website, is going to be a magic elixir that is going to save your M.
With that being said, there IS hope.
I think that we all come here to save our M's. Hell, most of us probably googled "W/H left me, how to save marriage" and divorcebusting.com came up. That's how we got here.
BUT, most, if not everyone that I have encountered here has learned that the stuff that we learn goes beyond saving our M. At some point, we realize that we are saving ourselves in our attempt to save our M. 6,9,12 months into it, we realize all that we have learned, how much we have grown, and how we have improved our chances of success in our next R, whether or not it is with our spouse or not.
This was/is certainly true for me.
However, at the same time, I always refused to accept that it was MORE about becoming a better person than about saving my M. My goal was always to reconcile with my W. I never let go of that. Never. I refused to quit no matter how dire things became. No matter how much pain the situation put me through.
A question that I was asked early on was "would you walk through the gates of hell for your wife?" The question is a good one, because that is what you will have to do to get her back.
It will take everything that you have... All of your emotional fuel. You will have to endure rejection, criticism, and pain. You will have to learn the essence of 'unconditional love'. You will have to learn to balance being loving and supportive with being strong and NOT being a doormat.
Don't let anyone fool you, NO ONE here did this perfectly from the beginning. We ALL learned as we went through the process, and we ALL made mistakes. I certainly did. While we can give you advice based upon our experience and our interpretation of what you tell us about your situation, you have to learn to apply DB to your unique circumstances. What that means, to me, is that you take the advice that you are given and you apply what you think will work, and you throw out what you think will not work.
Number 1 rule of DB... DO WHAT WORKS... bottom line.
I think that you are doing very well so far. I have not read your entire thread, so I apologize if you've answered the following questions, or if the following points have already been addressed, in previous posts:
1) What is the story of you and your W? How did you meet? How were things between you early in the R? When and why did things go south? What was YOUR role in this??
2) You've mentioned that things were strained the past couple of years... have you asked yourself why you still want your M and why you still want to be with your W? It is a question that you should spend some time thinking about.
3) You've mentioned the possibility of an OM. Do you have any actual evidence of it? Have you thought to just ask your W? There is absolutely nothing wrong with open and honest communication at any point in this process... IMO. If you do decide to ask her, make sure to be ready for ANY answer, and be ready to act 'as if'.
4) Don't date yourself. It's a crutch. Work on YOU. Learn to be okay by yourself. And don't cross the boundaries of your M vows... even if your W has or does. I made the mistake of doing this during my sitch when I was very low emotionally. I very quickly regretted it and still do. Walk the high road and always be the man that you aspire to be... it will be hard at times, especially if there is an OM with your W.
5) What 180s have you been working on? I saw some posts about financial stuff. But what about what goes on in your head. Again I ask what your role was in the breakdown of your M? What caused that? How do you kill it? You will have to look deep inside yourself and most likely face some personal demons. I did, and I think most people here who really work at this did. When you hear that the changes have to be real... that is what is meant. If you were controlling in the M or in your life, you can't just stop being controlling... you have to look at what that means, why you were that way, and what you can do to change your thinking so that you are not like that in the future. I'm not saying that you were controlling, just using it as an example.
Enough for now Rough. I just thought that I would give you some thoughts from my perspective.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Exactly...im slowly learning to try to leave her wanting whenever we speak. I didnt do a great job last night, but im learning to recognize when she starts fidgeting she's ready to be done.. here forward i'll try to wrap it up at the first fidget.
I know i went wrong in communication, affection without sex and controlling behavior, and thats a trifecta of pushing them either toward someone else, or at least away from you.
Im so eager to learn b/c I genuinely love my wife and want to succeed in busting my divorce before it starts. She said we're taking 6 months off to work on it, and although she hasn't started the us working on it part yet...i wanna be way ahead of the game when that time comes. Because I know that denying, arguing and justifying my behavior will spell devistation. So im trying to become much more calm and even keeled....and im trying to smile alot more.
I used to be in a good mood always and its completely my fault that it changed to being scowling alot more than smiling.
Im one of those people who always thought the next promotion...or paying off this...or buying another car...i could go on and on.....was going to make me happy. Even though I had heard that would never make me happy i still bought into the fact that it would. Crap im 39 years old and need to grow up. I still own 4 vehicles and there is only one of me.
So im taking this time to learn from those much wiser than me, and for once im doing it with a really open mind. I quit drinking...im thinking of quitting tobacco,(but even the thought of that one makes me nervous) im sellig one truck now and will be selling one of my cars right after it sells.
And being open minded is a huge 180 for me, but thanks for saying I am....it means its working. Because honestly a year ago i wouldnt have been, but this time i made a conscious decision to not be defensive...take my role in things and accept that I have to change because I dont wanna end up being a bitter old man that no one wants to be around.
