How Should I respond to her advances

[Arsene]

Thx KD,

Actually, she switched to Buddhism in 2008, before our daughter started school and the EA happened in 2010 so the two things are/seem unrelated. It's only a few months ago (at the time she made up her mind to separate) that she started reading up on it. We'd always had basic discussions about Buddhism being a religion which made sense to both of us but neither of us were into religion all that much so it was just to have something on paper. As I said, in this country you have to chose one or the other of the few prescribed by law.

I do think you are right though when you say she might be putting her own interpretation on things to justify her decisions.

As far as where she is in the replay (that is also my opinion), the thing is, I thought that the EA was part of replay and that took place in 2010 (yeah, I know I've been at this for over 2 years now). What happened, is that I managed to convince her to stick it out for a while after the EA. She actually was ready to leave but was very indecisive so I'd tell her that if she wasn't sure, she should just stay and she could always leave tomorrow. As a result of that we went through a roller-coaster year in 2010-2011 and had a great year in 2011-2012 when we relocated to another nearby country (not over populated and not Muslim**). While there, we worked together in a music duet (my debut) and our life was much calmer with less irritating/stressful influences. We were actually so happy that at the end of our year there, W told me that she wanted to return to one of the holiday destinations of her country so that we could continue our musical act together and so she could work more seriously on her career as a singer/songwriter.

Upon our return to her country, a few things happened (her mom got a stroke, we were ripped off by our mechanic, our tenants complained about ridiculous stuff and I was unfairly targeted and ticketed by some highway patrol officer in search of a bribe). All this happened over the course of the month or so that we were there preparing for D8 and my departure to my country. In retrospect, I did lose my cool on a few occasions during that time and in my opinion, this is what prompted her decision to leave while I was away.

She'd given me another chance and I blew it. The thing is, I didn't even know that I was being tested. I wish I'd gone for some counseling then but I thought we were fine. I thought I was fine. I thought we'd worked our way through the worst.

So now I'm actually further behind than I was originally. Especially so that we wont be going to the holiday destination but we are back in the city where the EA originally occurred 2 years ago. Her decision. She explained that she had a bigger network of music related friends here and that it would be easier for both of us to find work. Besides, this is where we have our house (although it is rented out until March next year). I chose to follow her here to make sure my D8 gets to see her mom and I figured that if there was one chance for us to save this marriage, it wouldn't be done long-distance. I have to be here and I have to work through my issues.

I agree with the transition idea, and so does she actually. We had a talk about it a few days ago and I think she was touched that i didn't talk about MLC anymore but about both of us going through transitions in our lives (I had those MLC talks with her at the beginning a few years ago - before discovering DB)

I will give her the space and time she needs and I will focus on myself but I have to admit that I miss her terribly and that these last few days, since I've been back, have been the worst so far. I've now put myself in NC so she and D8 can interact without me around and without uncomfortable moments. Also, it's really the first time since her email that I can just stop and let it sink in without worrying about D8.

Actually, I just got an sms from her a few hours ago asking me when i think I'll be back so she can plan her day. I got wondering if she's already got her fill of D8 after only 4 days and this thought angered me but I managed to calm down. It's probably innocent. I've not replied yet. I think I need a few more days of this "hermitting" alone t sort out my thoughts and gather my strength.

RE: what you wrote back in 03/11, how do you get rid of resistance? by addressing the fears? I guess that's what the 180s are for. The thing is, I'm pretty sure she is open to friendship but it's me who's afraid. Afraid that on her bad days she would see me as pursuing and pull further away. Afraid that one day she'd introduce me to her new boyfriend. Afraid that I stop feeling the way i feel now for her. For the moment, as unbearable as my pain is, I embrace it. It seems to be the only thing I can hold on to that links me to her. If I don't hurt, will I become indifferent to her? Will I see her as just another person? Hell, I feel pathetic!

Thanks DB for giving me a place to think out loud. Thx KD for your words. I really appreciate it.

** BTW i hope that I don't sound like I'm against Islam, I am not. It's just that living where I am, many members of the faith tend to use Islam as a way to judge/control/intimidate others/women)