Needing some guidance... 5

[jks]

H's dad is not LDS but his mom is. OW is not LDS. My H and I are the only one's from both of our families that were actively LDS besides both of our mothers.

I was very hesitant to let my H become a cop for fear of this happening. I saw what being a cop did to his dad and never liked it. I allowed him to go for it, though, because his heart kept going in that direction. So maybe all this time he was really something that I did not want but I chose to ignore that part of him. IDK.

I spoke with my "wise" friend tonight and was telling her about how I've been feeling for the passed couple days. Not sure if H is the one for me. Our outlook on life is very distant from one another now. I told her that if things did not work out for H and I, I would most definitely have to move out of state.

I have great family that lives out of state that is actively LDS. They would be such a great support for me. I cannot continue to witness the weekly events of H's life with OW through my kids. I don't feel like I have as great a support system through family here that I would if I were to go out of state. It would be very good for me and for my kids. I spoke with my cousin recently on the phone and asked her about job opportunities and such there and she said that they would all help support me and my children any way they could.

It is very much a feeling of empowerment to do these things on my own and start over. The battle is custody. I will be talking to a L this week to see what rights I have as the mother and needing family support right now.

This is definitely something that I'm going to continue to pray and ponder about. It's a HUGE decision. But I see a great future for myself going this direction. Some would say that I'm running away but really I'm trying to surround myself with something good. It's my way of truly detaching.

There are too many memories here of a life that I no longer have and people that I no longer have any contact with. And to be honest, all of my family here is SOOOOO dysfunctional. I rarely talk to any of them because they're all so negative and we don't have a lot in common. All except for my mom, of course.

RH, thank you for posting... you're always such a great support. Tonight my friend came over and watched the season finale of The Bachelorette with me. Interesting to watch that and see all of the emotion happening there. It felt very much like my situation. I feel like my H is the Bachelor and me and OW are standing there waiting for him to hand out the final rose and he can't make up his mind but is mostly leaning towards OW.

It's like if I could only watch our real life drama series and see how his R is with OW firsthand, then I would probably have a lot more clarity as to what to do. And the answer would be to leave. I do not want to focus on them. And I really haven't been but watching that show really put things into perspective for me.

I am fine to give this more time. But I will also be actively looking for a way to make this move happen for when the time comes. Still trying to get my feet back underneath me and trying to gain more and more independence day by day.