If her attitude (about wanting to be back with you) is real, then it will LAST -- there's no need to jump at the first chance. In fact, those are tests and you fail them when you jump at them so quickly.
When she TRULY wants back in the marriage, YOU WILL KNOW IT. And it will look and feel very different than how Wednesday looked and felt, trust me.
Won't, Might I suggest that your W is disrespecting you BIG TIME right now. You are her back up plan... that can't make you feel too great. But you are allowing her to behave this way, and by allowing this, you're rolling over so to speak and she is losing respect for you by the minute. She is having her cake and eating it too, and you are enabling her to do that.
Once you stand up to her and show her you won't tolerate this, she may change her tune. No guarantees - she may be fully in the throes of the OM in which case she won't care (at least not right now). But why should you tolerate her blatantly offensive behavior? Is that the marriage you want?
Also, it may help you to try to figure out why she got involved with this other guy in the first place. Was there something lacking in your marriage that she is getting from him? If so, is it something you can change? I'd try to focus on that for a while.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
Won't, Might I suggest that your W is disrespecting you BIG TIME right now. You are her back up plan... that can't make you feel too great. But you are allowing her to behave this way, and by allowing this, you're rolling over so to speak and she is losing respect for you by the minute. She is having her cake and eating it too, and you are enabling her to do that.
Once you stand up to her and show her you won't tolerate this, she may change her tune. No guarantees - she may be fully in the throes of the OM in which case she won't care (at least not right now). But why should you tolerate her blatantly offensive behavior? Is that the marriage you want?
Also, it may help you to try to figure out why she got involved with this other guy in the first place. Was there something lacking in your marriage that she is getting from him? If so, is it something you can change? I'd try to focus on that for a while.
Right. You CANNOT be the "backup plan". It is because you where disposable enough to do this before, and you will be disposable enough for her to do this again.
Let her go on and the affair take its course. Cut off contact and GAL hard like your life depends upon it. It is going to be curious "now that you have nothing to lie about, why did you have an affair on me?. What was it that you where missing?".
Yes, I know she's taking advantage of me. I was all ready to divorce only three weeks ago, but then I backed off. I've been trying to DB since then. RegretfulLA, I'm not sure what you expect me to do. I can't force her to stop the A. If I do that, it pushes her closer to the other man. So, I assume you mean I should separate to force her to come to terms with a life without me.
I'm considering doing that at some point. I know I won't go on like this for more than a few more months. I just don't know how I should go about it. I could burn bridges and demand the house and see if I can force her to gind a place. But that would leave us no room for R. I could just separate and move out, leaving her the place. Its more peaceful, but I know that she will bring OM in. That would just make me sick, him replacing me like I am some cog.
Until I decide its really no use to stay, I'm just DBing along.
Jounal:
Today we went to the "How to train your dragon" show. It [censored] because the OM bought the tix. What was worse is he has a walking disability, so they were in the handicapped section. So, my daughter put two and two together and figured out where they came from. She asked WW where they came from, and she just blew her off. Then my D started crying, and Jane could not figure out why. It's a thick fog in her head. I did not lose it this time like I did before. I whispered to my wife why she was upset. Then I comforted my D. She was better and the rest of the evening went ok.
Now I am at home with the kids, but Jane is gone out. This is the kind of crap I am sick of. It makes me want to GAL, which I already have due to us almost mediating. But I'm working on me. I took the kids out to a concert. I did ok and we are going to church tomorrow. I believe more and more that I don't need her to take care of my kids. I miss her, but less so each day.
____________________________________ Me: 42 WW: 46 Married: 14y D-Day: 5/18/2012 D 12, S 8 Status: In my room, but A Continues
Yes, I know she's taking advantage of me. I was all ready to divorce only three weeks ago, but then I backed off. I've been trying to DB since then. RegretfulLA, I'm not sure what you expect me to do. I can't force her to stop the A. If I do that, it pushes her closer to the other man. So, I assume you mean I should separate to force her to come to terms with a life without me.
Won't, I don't expect you to do anything, obviously it's all your choice what you do and don't do.
And yes, you are right, you can't force her to stop the A - and it doesn't look like she's headed in that direction. She is going to do what she is going to do, so you need to DB.
What you CAN do though is not allow her behavior to rule your life. I like to think of myself as standing in the calm eye of the storm - it sounds like she is all over the place right now. I know you are afraid of losing her, but it's not loving yourself to allow her to play the both of you. She is not treating you well. I know this because I did this (on a much smaller scale) to my own H and that is part of the reason why I am here.
Other members have advised you to focus on yourself and your kids, and I agree. The more you do this the stronger you will feel. Yes, you will miss her. Yes, you will hope for an R. You need to do what you feel is right regarding moving out or asking her to leave. That might help clarify/solidify things for both of you. Just because you separate doesn't mean there is no room for R down the road. But YOU may have moved on by the time she decides she is ready.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
Yes, I know she's taking advantage of me. I was all ready to divorce only three weeks ago, but then I backed off. I've been trying to DB since then. RegretfulLA, I'm not sure what you expect me to do. I can't force her to stop the A. If I do that, it pushes her closer to the other man.
Actually, that's not always a bad idea, and for those that espouse this kind of approach, it's actually the entire point of it. When the romance and intrigue is stripped away, and suddenly they're dealing with each other's bad breath, bad habits and day-to-day monotony, it can actually be very effective.
Actually for GAL, I was mistaken thinking it was Get A Lawyer instead of Get A Life. :-/ Unintended newbie mistake.
I am trying to GAL. I took the kids out Friday night to a movie, then put them to bed. When my wife went out Saturday night I took the kids out to a public concert . Today I took the kids to Church and brunch. This is allowing her to go out with OM, so I feel used. I'm getting her to take the kids on Friday so I can go out with friends. But I feel like I am enabling her to do this.
One of the only parts of the DB process I don't get is when you have to spend time with the WW, like today when we went biking and got dinner with the kids. I kept up my confident smile and avoided saying too much in our conversations. But this is hard to keep up in the long term, and there were many times in our conversation where I was not sure what to say and how to say it. Of course the whole time I am thinking about what she is doing and how I wish we could go intp R. But I kept up the DB the whole evening. I can't tell you of the relief when I could go by myself to get the car. I could stop the act for a bit and felt better for it.
____________________________________ Me: 42 WW: 46 Married: 14y D-Day: 5/18/2012 D 12, S 8 Status: In my room, but A Continues
And in Virginia, if you have sex with your partner, it is considered forgiveness, and the whole affair is forgiven, up to that date.
This is true in many (most?) jurisdictions. It's considered forgiveness, and tacit approval of an open marriage, and nullifies any infidelity charges as grounds in "fault" states. It's considered "Condonation" IF and ONLY IF you return to the marital bed and even then,
it only prevents the LBSer from throwing the affair in the face of the former WAS, LATER-like years after you have supposedly gotten over it or worked thru or
AND OR forgiven it. Once it IS actually truly "forgiven", most mc's say it's supposed to be gone...finito...
It's not to make the LBS withold forgiveness; it's designed so that a WAS spouse who screws up (for whatever reason), and cheats but then comes home and works it out==and renews the marriage,
doesn't have it come back to haunt them years later. That way, It's not a "secret weapon" for the LBS to eternally have "in case things don't work out" the exact way the LBSer wants. It's not actually "forgiveness" per se.
Sorry if that's not clear but I can't think of another way of saying it without posting an actual case and that will bore you A LOT...
Starsky
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
