MLC with depression....double the fun!

[albamarie]

I have been reading the on-line community and I think I’m ready to write and read my own story.

I’m a wife, 23yrs, 4 kids, youngest is 18yrs. I’m 45, H is 52 and deep into a MLC coupled with life long depression & self-loth. I pray my situation isn’t to extreme.

For 3yrs now (since the economy drop) it’s like H lives in a mirror. Every gentle, faithful, caring, loving, patient God fearing, belief he has ever had is opposite. The anger is the hardest wall I face. He surprises himself how deep the anger goes. A year ago he had an A and is still friends with OW because she’s a 50yr old alcoholic with mental issues. He finds comradery in her crazy world of friends and freedom in the fact that nobody works or has responsibilities. Home is a constant reminder of his failures, (house is too small, we don’t own a boat, equity loss). H says he worked for nothing because now we can’t buy our bigger house. H says he needs to get far away as to not bring this family down to the dirt with him.

His MLC is so anger and self hated driven that he sees everything with those eyes. We’ve had the blame “if he didn’t have a family the money he makes would be plenty”. We’ve had the “I had an affair because you just didn’t do it for me” We’ve had the “I want a divorce because single guys do what ever they want & don’t have answer to anyone and live better". It the whole grass is greener on the other side syndrome.

H took his love for me the kids and the best part of himself and put it away & now he is a shell (his words) he’s not an H, not a father, not a son or brother. It sounds like he loves us so much that he can’t live up to his own expectation. But, I hate saying that because I don’t want to sound like he’s actually doing a good thing.

As for myself I have asked him to leave several times. At his request I have “let him go”. I had the papers to sign the car to him and the house to me. We yelled and I cried and did all the wrong things until May when I got smart and got quiet. He never moved out…never stopped being helpful around the house…but did stop taking care of himself. My silence confuses him and he knows I’m not unaware, but I don’t show my hand anymore. I love him too much to yell at him all the time.

He is dirtying up my SUV, gaining weight, growing out gray hair, smelling bad, smoking, and hanging out with what he calls the lowest life of people and OW “friend” who is ugly, vulgar, and very very abusive to him. I guess there is no golden rule that he was supposed to improve himself and go younger. But he sure is noticing and telling me about the changes I am making for myself. But, I need more, H is not that easily changed. I’m going to need the works if I want to save my marriage and give my kids back their always quirky but loving father. Please, anyone share your story of how you handle everyday with such a character as I am eager to learn and make change. Thanks Dmarie

[~ kd ~]

^ bump

[~ kd ~]

So, you are here because you love your H and want to save your M.

His depression (by your words) has been lifelong. It is also likely to continue for the rest of his life, unless he seeks help.

It certainly sounds as though he had a handle on his depression for a while, at least. And even now, he continues to work and helps around the house.

So, do you think he wants to D?

or

Do you think that he just wants to live what ever life he's currently created for himself?

What do you want, right now, for you and your kids? Regardless of whether you save your M or it gets any better.

What do you want IF it gets no better?

[albamarie]

Yes, I do love him and want to save my marriage. But, with a new beginning including forgiveness, communication, trust, and the better parts of him brought forward, and yes the necessary help for his depression.

Do I think he want's a D, no! And, I really hope that doesn't sound nieve, but I want to be honest on these boards and learn from my mistakes as I go. He has said he is a big coward, afraid to start over again @ 52 with our equity loss, and still living in our starter home. By the way no body else has ever told him we hate our home or need to move.

Since his MLC started H puts a monetary value on his accomplishments, our life, our home, everything is inadequate. He rewrites history as if he made all the right choices but "something" got in his way". Would-a, Should-a, Could-a, and why didn't I (me) make things happen.

Do I think he want's a D, no! I thinks he wants to feel in control of his life, is unable to handle stress, wants attention ( he tells everyone his life story), and thinks that life is better on the other side because he blew it being a "nice guy" his words, and it seems as if the bad guys always get ahead. He calls himself stupid if he left. But, shouldn't 23yrs be enough, he doesn't want to get old.

Borrowed Quote:
My husband still does not understand why I didn't kick him out on his butt when I found out about his infidelity. I told him that at that point, I refused to make any more decisions for him. It seemed that I had become more like his mother than a wife during our marriage and that I had to make most of the decisions, from what we were having for dinner to all our financial decisions, to all the decisions dealing with our children. He expected that I would make the decision about whether he would stay or leave. That would make it easy for him because he could blame me for kicking him out!

What I want at this point, our 3rd yr into this, is a life. No more anxiety, no more loneliness in a room full of people, no more walking on egg shells. I want a healthy positive look on life with some fun mixed in, respect, loyalty, and above all honesty. Can I get that from him again, I'm trying, if only he can come back from behind the mirror he can see what's in front of him again.

Friday he told me he is turning in the letter of resignation I drafted 5yrs ago. WHAT IS THAT? Things were good then, wanted him home @ night, to get a day job. I wanted my H after 20yrs of working nights to be home with me. I also started to suspect that working that long at night was making him loopy.

I don't know how to react, I don't want to be the one who makes the final choice for him, so I said nothing. I just validated his statement. I feel the reasons for him leaving are not the positive, new adventure, being closer to me/family again, reasons from before. I'm afraid it's the MLC and all that is attributed with that.

Getting off nights could be a healthy start to a healthy mind. Am I reaching?

[albamarie]

I forgot to mention I think H is in male menopause (andropause). He has all the symptoms (webmd sites) and I am worried about how much that helps contribute to the MLC.

Whenever I mention getting checked he says, he doesn't want to get better he needs to be angry to push on. I know it's the MLC talking. I can't (don't) compete with that so I stop talking.

Has anyone dealt with Andropause and how does it contribute to the problem? Thanks ahead of time for anyone who shares with me.

[albamarie]

Note:

His undiagnosed Andropause has caused years of ED which doesn't help his anger of getting old and feeling like "a piece of ^^^!

Doctors gave the ED pills but that didn't bring back the want. A, brought new and different but that got old quick.

Remember I said OW was vulgar, well the ED is a great weapon of abuse. I still don't understand why he puts up with abuse while he has a loving family.

Please anyone with experience in any of my post please share.

[Cadet]

Has anyone dealt with Andropause and how does it contribute to the problem?

It is one of the ingredients of MLC.

Stop trying to FIX him, you did not break him and you can not FIX him.

Yes continue to stop talking and let him get on with his CRISIS.

Until he decides that he wants to get better there is nothing anyone else will be able to do to help him.

Let GO and get out of the way.

There are resourses on the MLC board that you can read if you want.

[albamarie]

Thanks Cadet that was to the point and accurate.

I have the DB book and have been reading other posts nonstop. Not sure about the resources you mention but I will look around.

"Let go and get out of the way" is exactly what I'm doing and admittedly it's a lonely road.

I'm actually jealous he GAL without me. But, I can't go back to my old life either so I'm in limbo.

[albamarie]

H has not quit his job. His night job has been a source of distance and loneliness for both of us.

He works during the day at times and then goes straight to the night job never stopping at home because it's across town.

It's great opportunity for me to GAL, but sleeping alone is the nightly let down I faced for 20yrs.

H told me he loved me today on his day lunch break. That's out of the blue. Just 2wks ago he was talking about moving out. (DONT TRUST 50% OF WHAT THEY SAY)

H talks and even looks on his face like he is in a new wave of MLC. It's crazy but H looked like a different man at his lowest times. His facial features were like pierced. I have seen his face relaxing lately. But, I'm not letting any of that dictate how I react. I'm still "out of his way".

H has spent so much effort trying to convince me how he's "no good" that I wonder if I would want him back. I have put this M in God's hands and am continuing to seek answers everyday.

I can't figure anything out or change anything except myself, I know! I'm not sure what else to do, I can't go out.... I didn't make friends in 23yrs as my H was my BFF.

[Cadet]

Not sure about the resources you mention but I will look around.

You posted on Nero's thread in MLC, re-read it and look at my welcome post to him.

Lots of homework to do.