In her reply to that, she again (for the third or fourth time) mentioned she 'had a lot going on.' I replied with something rather innocuous like 'just let me know' or something like that; not wanting to seem like I was outright ignoring her in her evidently tumultuous time, but not falling all overmyself. On top of DBing, there was a 16 hour time difference and I was there for work.
It's hard to know what her repeatedly saying "I have alot going on" means. If a buddy of yours or cousin of yours kept saying something like that to you, would you handle it the same way as you have with her so far?
While her unhappiness or her having alot going on is not your responsibility, it is ok to still interact with her about that or other things going on in her life (if it is something you care about). Even if she is your ex, you do have that affection for her, and it is ok to express that if that is what you want to do and the sort of interaction you'd want with her going forward. Or maybe you don't want that right now?
Like I could see you just validating it by acknowledging it/reiterating it:
Yeah, it sounds like you have a lot going on there. Just let me know how you'd like me to handle the check.
Or even:
Yeah, it sounds like you have alot going on there. Anything you want to talk about?
Expresses that you care about her. Nothing more, nothing less.
Originally Posted By: kolja
At the end of the day, now that I'm home and I was catching up with bills, I saw that her check had cleared. I knew it would, but didn't mention that a head of time (bit of a 180, or at least a 135 or so, because in times past I would have said something like "They'll take it once you explain it, it will be fine..." you know, something dismissive and so on).
That's good!
Originally Posted By: kolja
I don't have to really pay that much attention to it. It's not my business at this point (I almost wrote 'not my problem' but that might be a bit harsh, though no less accurate). I literally have no vested interest in the details, the ins and outs, of what's going on other than wishing well to someone I love.
Yes, the finest line of detachment is that while you are totally right that it is not 'your responsibility, your business, your vested interest' does not mean that you do not in some way care and wish well to her as someone that you love. Alot of people have trouble getting that it is ok to care about and wish well to them even as you are detached from them. It is even ok to express that caring.
More later
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
