Just popping my head in....Zig knows my thoughts on a lot of this already but in terms of the debate on forceful action vs letting them come to you or standing still etc....
I've always said I don't want a partner I had to force to be with me. I want him to choose to want to be with me.
Just to be clear, Brit (because I agree with what you wrote here ^^), the "forceful action" that I usually advocate is ONLY with the idea to "separate the addict (the cheater) from the source of their addiction (their affair partner)," as soon as possible, to prevent further damage (strengthening of their emotional bond, erosion of the family's finances, harm to the betrayed spouse's and the children's emotional psyche, etc.).
I.O.W., it's a first step. After that, the true work begins, and whether it starts with a Retrouvaille weekend, good ongoing MCing with an MC/FT specifically trained in infidelity, or what . . . THAT is when the marriage is re-built about mutually healthy behaviors and attitudes.
To me, it's simply "pouring the liquor down the drain," or "getting the matches and kerosene out of the house" -- a necessary first step before true healing can begin, and the formerly cheating spouse can begin to open themselves up to having their emotional needs met again by their betrayed spouse.
