I will leave you with this personal story, from a friend of mine. It's just a story, from her situation, but in my experience, her exH's observations are pretty typical. If nothing else, maybe it will make someone out there think, and challenge their current assumptions:
He literally told our MC that what I had considered strong over years of our marriage (forgiving him for cheating more than once, putting up with his crap by convincing myself it was 'unconditional love', etc.), he considered WEAK. Cheaters or people of low integrity don't view unconditional love/acceptance/tolerance/enabling of their behavior as saintly, they find it pathetic. Nobody stays madly in love with someone they consider weak and pathetic.
Learn from my mistakes and those of other people on these forums. My ex cheated with a coworker who had a lower/subordinate position. He told me the boss threatened his job if he was messing around with her--the boss even suspected him before I did.
So I actually took my children to watch my then-H go bowling one night. It was his weekly bowling league through work. I knew he'd slept w the coworker who was also on his team, but I feared that if word got out, my then H would lose his job and blame me and I didn't want him angry at me because then he might leave me. *Let that misguided logic--coming from a place of fear--sink in.*
I took the kids so that coworkers and superiors who were there would see me and realize that my H couldn't possibly be cheating because if he were I'd never show up there and actually be pleasant. I did it thinking it would save his job and he would be so amazed at my poise/grace/courage that he'd see me in a whole new light.
What actually happened? The kids and I left,and H and gf had to stay behind to discuss how "manipulative" I had been, coming and acting like things were fine. Understand THIS: if you are accomodating, they will talk about how this is some underhanded ploy on your part. Or, they will talk about how pitiful you are. If you stand your ground, they may hit a rough spot. Or they may band together to talk about how much of a jerk you are.
That's why you CAN'T act from a place of fear or a place of trying to control the outcome. All you can do is decide what you will and will not tolerate and act from that position. If you decide you'd rather have pieces of your wife that she deigns to give you than risk losing her, then accept that what you have now is what you will always have, unless/until she gets her feet under her enough to just walk away entirely. Stop whining about it and stressing about it and acknowledge that you've chosen to accept this lot in life.
Or decide that you will not tolerate it anymore. No more talking. No more reacting. If she goes out dressed to "[Bleep!] it up" after saying she wouldn't, if she goes to meet a guy for a dinner, let her come home to an empty house. Take the kids and go stay somewhere else. I did this twice and both times came home the next day when ex said he wanted me home (yet I didn't hold out for actions, just accepted the words, big mistake). I regret that I didn't just go and stay gone as long as he continued his crap behavior. Take half (at least half) of everything and open a new bank account that she cannot access. Stop talking and ACT to protect yourself and your kids.
As for sex, I honestly was at a point where I felt like if I was still sleeping with my ex even though he was seeing OW, I was 'winning' bc they would fight bc we still slept together. I went for a full STD panel and it came back clean. A few months later OW texted me informing me that ex told her it came back clean, and that A)She was glad she didn't catch anything from ME (WTF) and B)Once she knew about the clean panel they quit using protection entirely.
Loooong story short: the more I gave in, the more I tried to love unconditionally, be patient without demands/expectations, be the more desirable person, be available, and talk, talk talk the situation to death, the more he gradually pulled away. After 2 years of that dance, he moved out for the last time. Now his gf has moved to our town. Our kids go to school together which my son hates. The gf and my ex are planning to move into a house together sometime in the near future--they already are together 80% of the time. And as I call him ex, we obv got divorced. Don't go down the same road. I might still be divorced had I taken a tougher stance, but I would have had more respect for myself and fewer regrets. Ultimately I filed for D because I knew my kids were watching me and I didn't want to teach them that being treated that way was ok.
