A quick recap, my W has had at least three EAs that I know of. One was long distance (co-worker) who is gay. I think like most people, my W doesn't believe in fairies nor MLC nor EAs. I think it's the same thing as people who believe that "kids grow up too fast" really don't understand that until they have kids and find out they grow up too fast.
So my W has never admitted to an OP. All she refers to these men in her life to most people that I'm aware of, including me, the kids, and many of her friends (although I'm not sure about her family nor her really, really close friends) is that they are her friends. I really don't know the status of these relationships at this time, although I do know that she still spends a lot of time with these men. It's kind of a bizarre triangle, if I really think about it.
Anyhow, so my kids are loathe to think of their mom as having any sort of "intimate" R with these men. ie. boyfriend. And yet, kids are smart. I know that deep down, both the kids know SOMETHING is... different... with their mom's R with these men, as opposed to my W's R with other men she knows, who are friends.
It's a struggle for the kids, without a doubt... no matter how much they put on a smiling face and claim to be happy because their mom and/or dad are happy.
Of course you'd love to save your M and no matter how deep down you hide that and deny that, it would be true, otherwise you're not likely to still be here. And it's very human and understandable. We say "put that thought... of saving your M... in a box... and seal the lid and place it high up on your bookshelf, for now..."
My dear zig... I've been on this "journey" for the better part of my life. Early in my teen years, I began. Without a doubt, an artefact of self discovery due to being raised in an emotionally and physically volatile environment with two alcoholic parents (and don't even get me started on the alcoholic relatives on both sides of the family)... By the time I was a teenager, I was already "helping" my friends figure out their own drama in their lives. When I got my license at 16, my truck was pretty much known as the travelling therapist's office... lol... If that truck were to ever speak...
Anyhow, by the time I was a young adult (after my DUI and my DUI equivalent and realizing I was travelling a very dangerous path and pattern), I decided to more intimately and officially find a different "way". Which eventually led to the person I am... the person I "was", when I met my W and became enamoured with her.
So... at least in my mind... yeah... I knew better...
Funny thing about "once upon a time, a beautiful princess met her prince charming and they lived happily ever after"...
If one takes a close look... that fairy tale book... sometimes known as the hollywood M... is a study in co-dependency...
I try to refrain from ever bursting anyone's bubble... still, from a psychological perspective... life long M's are not fairytale... they are filled with ups and downs and people who either really work at it... or decide to settle because they don't like the alternative...
Yes... people become emotionally enmeshed... it's somehow inherent in our biology. I have a theory that it's the core thoughts that began with the early greek philosophers and eventually became part of our current theologies and M vows and to some extent, our laws, that tried to encapsulate that understanding in what is considered morally, ethically, and socially acceptable. ie. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife or For better or for worse... etc, etc...
Not sure if you knew this, but there are only about six animals on this earth which mate for life... all of them are of the avian species...
But I digress...
To answer your question regarding the status of my M. There is still a legal document on record that we are M, although we do have an SA in place. I begged my W to D me, prior to her submitting to filing an SA. She will not file D. She says, that is up to me. For now... that's her position...
OK, if the water is warm, I'll swim... but I'm bringing my rubber ducky, just in case...
