more turtles by my side...

[zig]

I think what's clear with your H is that he is not intending to cake eat. He actually sees being with you as cheating on the OW. Even in his confusion of not wanting to be with you, yet not leaving, he is living as though he is single, in relation to the OW. That is very similar to what my W has been doing. She would not D me, yet she "does not feel M" and likes things the way they are, in regard to our R.

ah KD , yes - he is NOT cake-eating at all. and i really have come to respect him for that. and yes he does see being with me as cheating on OW. how frustration his that!!!
so you say your wife is similar. and the question that comes to mind -does she show how tortured she is? does she admit to being agonized? my h has said all along that he likes things as they are - but lately - no - he is not liking things as they are turning out to be.

Did you react to Starsky? IDK. It READ like you reacted. Then again, when you said you stepped back and thought about his post, did you ground yourself and state how you really feel about yourself and life and YOUR path?

Yes - i felt I did. It was many hours before I responded - though i realize that time is not the qualifying factor in whether i did that wholly or not.

If so, then you were simply self affirming that you are living a genuine life that you wish to lead. Nothing more, nothing less. And that is your choice.

One thing is for certain. Starsky did R and by all his accounts, their M is much better than it's ever been. He DID confront his W and it appears that after much thought, she realized her A was much less important than being with him.

Why? IDK. It could have been because he manned up. It could have been because she finally "saw the light". It could be because she felt her hold on the OM was slipping, so she decided to give Starsky another chance. Only she knows why she decided to work on the M.

I also read your post 3 minutes after you wrote it and have been mulling over what you said since then.

I also saw Starsky's reply. and then i started to think. Did i just do what i always do? defend myself, or did i truly wait and see where I was at. you got me on a vulnerable point here, pointing out to me that starsky
successfully reconciled with his wife - implying that maybe his approach is worth listening to.

on the other hand - i did ask for further dialog with him, but he has chosen clearly not to continue the discussion. his reply made me feel that in saying what i felt, in the way i said it, i stepped over the line and it was not okay for him. so here i am left with a similar response as my h's - when i try to "make myself heard" - and what that seems to lead to. is what i am still doing wrong here? what is there, in the way i respond that hurts and offends others. was it because i clearly said what i didn't like?

I want this to be a truly open discussion - that is the only way to learn. so if you or anyone else is seeing something, that i am not seeing - including you starsky , if you are reading this - i am open to all you have to say.

Zig, you and I one of "those" that are cut from a different cloth. I believe you, like me, have for the most part lived our lives from the perspective of "live and let live". It's just who we are.

oh you picked up on that, did ya? (grin)

Personally, I will not "convince" someone to like me. I will not "compete" for someone's affection. Unless I feel that someone genuinely wants to be my friend, hang out with me... have raunchy, one night stands with me... then hey... awesome...

I do feel the same way

What I really find interesting is that by the end of my M, I had become so much a person that I did not want to be. And I am somewhat shocked at my reaction to the loss of my W and the nuclear family.

elaborate? as in that you don't care any longer or something else?

Believe me, I think it really stinks that my kids will grow up without married parents. I believe they have been and will continue to be in some ways, negatively impacted by that.

i feel the same also - but couple with the above..

And...

If my W does not want to be with me... so be it... *shrug*

I don't know if i'm totally at the "shrug" stage yet - but i'm a heck of a lot closer than i ever was

And...

I WILL be and AM the best ME that I can be. I... like... me... I have a feeling that someone will like me one day, in "that" way, too...

hey you know - i feel like that too!!
Keep being who you are, zig. And if what you are doing is working for you... that's freakin' awesome...!

the only ting i know that is working for me is that i've never felt this good about myself - EVER - and in the big pic, KD - that trumps h wanting to work it out!!

you're a good friend KD - thanks...

zig