Needing some guidance... 5

[gr8 day 2B alive]

jks,
my ex took her time to D. Looking back she may not have been sure what she wanted. I believe she was in too far with going through the motion of being D that she didn't know how to reconcile.
It took 2.5 years for her to finally move forward with the D.

Her L said it should be official by the end of the year(2011) I called him in January and he said she didn't file the paper work yet.
WTF right?

Looking back I should have just filed for D myself.


Don't question why the WAS doesnt file. Live your life the way you see fit.

[jks]

Don't question why the WAS doesnt file. Live your life the way you see fit.

And so I shall...

[jks]

Shedding a little tears right now as H drove away with the kids. He's so hard to NOT want to be with. He's just too nice and a good father and so many other things. Today he basically acted like nothing was wrong. He was happy.

I was nice and cordial and said my good-byes quickly and went inside. If I'm around him for too long I just want to be with him even more. I wish he was a horrible person. But he's not... I'm losing a great man.

The thing I've been trying to figure out throughout the last couple days, though, is if he's a great man for ME. To be honest, he's all I've ever known. He was my first boyfriend, my first love, and really everything I ever wanted in a H. I've known him since I was 16. Always had a crush on him. But didn't start dating him until we were 21. We were good friends before we ever dated and he pursued me when we first got together so I couldn't have asked for a better beginning. We married when we were 22 and now he's saying that at that time he was too young to be making those decisions and I feel like he thinks our whole M was a mistake. Like once he got to know the REAL me he never really liked me.

That is awful. From a person who already struggled with poor self-esteem and being insecure about her personality. That really just summed up all of my fears. I always loved him so much because I felt like he was the only person who knew the REAL me, weaknesses and all, and he still loved me. Well, it was a facade. It was a dream in my head that wasn't real.

Kinda just wish I could have another chance. But then again he makes the excuse that he doesn't think our personalities mesh well together. Can't argue that if that's what he believes. And now he has OW to compare me to and she finishes his sentences, for crying out loud... ugh... just sad today.

Gotta go find something to do.

[reachingHigher]

Oh, jks, just saw your post! I'm so sorry! So much pain. I known what you mean about wanting to be with our H's because they are SO nice!

I said goodbye to mine a couple of hours ago and when he got to HP (45 minute ride) he saw he forgot his keys here so had to embarrassingly call me and I met him halfway. It was nice he hung out with me a few minutes before leaving again.

I know what you mean about the powerful love from H. I remember standing up in church testimonial time saying God gave me H so I could understand God's
Love. I'm amazed you don't feel estranged from God right now. I really respect that in you.

I wouldn't at all say H's love for you wasn't real! Even my H says he appreciates the years we had together. We just "grew apart".

That is just Giant Despair talking to you. Don't go there. It WAS real. You were both young and learning and growing. H has seen a lot in his profession that has changed him, you said. Maybe he has taken it harder than some because he IS so very, very nice. The pain he sees at work sometimes goes deeper into his soul?

You need to believe you are a beautiful powerful young woman! You are amazing! You are NOT walking away from it all. You are staying and working and growing. You can sleep with a clear conscience. That is no small thing.

See if you can get out of the house tonight. I'm going to a free concert in a local university town. Its a simple acoustic one. I've been afraid before to go alone but I'm ready now, I'm going to take H's 'Stang and feel the wind in my hair and listen to the music and a little part of me will heal tonight.

Let me know what you decide to do........lots of hugs to you tonight!!!

[25yearsmlc]

jks

I know you'll probably have to start a new thread but let me get this out real fast.

No I didn't know you were LDS although I assumed that, Catholic, or maybe even Scientology. NO offense meant to any (I'm Catholic and have friends in LDS and in Scientology-we live near Hollywood)

but I understand more of where you are coming from.

My questiion os about his family. They are police AND LDS or what? I do not see inconsistencies but I wondered if you were saying that there was a split in his family about who was what.

(Ie some were police OR some were LDS but not both).

Just trying to get some background that fleshes it out for me.

I DO know what you mean about it being freeing b/c if you were wrong or

IF your picture of what should be, is no longer applicable, then yes you are free to find or create

another picture.

The drag of it is if you feel that he IS the man for you and yet....is not there...

I hear you and I feel the agony of that concern- but I also sense a great awakening in you and a greater strength than you knew of.

It's there. Grab it, let it strengthen you,

and continue to put your marriage and anger and pain, in God's hands.

HE will guide AND strengthen you...if you let Him.

(((( ))))

[jks]

H's dad is not LDS but his mom is. OW is not LDS. My H and I are the only one's from both of our families that were actively LDS besides both of our mothers.

I was very hesitant to let my H become a cop for fear of this happening. I saw what being a cop did to his dad and never liked it. I allowed him to go for it, though, because his heart kept going in that direction. So maybe all this time he was really something that I did not want but I chose to ignore that part of him. IDK.

I spoke with my "wise" friend tonight and was telling her about how I've been feeling for the passed couple days. Not sure if H is the one for me. Our outlook on life is very distant from one another now. I told her that if things did not work out for H and I, I would most definitely have to move out of state.

I have great family that lives out of state that is actively LDS. They would be such a great support for me. I cannot continue to witness the weekly events of H's life with OW through my kids. I don't feel like I have as great a support system through family here that I would if I were to go out of state. It would be very good for me and for my kids. I spoke with my cousin recently on the phone and asked her about job opportunities and such there and she said that they would all help support me and my children any way they could.

It is very much a feeling of empowerment to do these things on my own and start over. The battle is custody. I will be talking to a L this week to see what rights I have as the mother and needing family support right now.

This is definitely something that I'm going to continue to pray and ponder about. It's a HUGE decision. But I see a great future for myself going this direction. Some would say that I'm running away but really I'm trying to surround myself with something good. It's my way of truly detaching.

There are too many memories here of a life that I no longer have and people that I no longer have any contact with. And to be honest, all of my family here is SOOOOO dysfunctional. I rarely talk to any of them because they're all so negative and we don't have a lot in common. All except for my mom, of course.

RH, thank you for posting... you're always such a great support. Tonight my friend came over and watched the season finale of The Bachelorette with me. Interesting to watch that and see all of the emotion happening there. It felt very much like my situation. I feel like my H is the Bachelor and me and OW are standing there waiting for him to hand out the final rose and he can't make up his mind but is mostly leaning towards OW.

It's like if I could only watch our real life drama series and see how his R is with OW firsthand, then I would probably have a lot more clarity as to what to do. And the answer would be to leave. I do not want to focus on them. And I really haven't been but watching that show really put things into perspective for me.

I am fine to give this more time. But I will also be actively looking for a way to make this move happen for when the time comes. Still trying to get my feet back underneath me and trying to gain more and more independence day by day.

[labug]

Wouldn't moving far away make it difficult for your children to see their dad? And even tho you think he is a lousy role model
right now, you did say he was a great dad and he loved the kids.

Being separated from a parent is a huge deal to kids.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

jks,

I see your emotions and feeling are leading you the past few days. Do this keeps you in limbo.....and limbo sux.

If I were to tell if you took a stand and said something like:

H, this M is not working for me anymore. I understand you have a connection with OW and I want you to be happy. I will have your possession in the garage for you to pick up.

Then you file for D have your H served with papers and start living your life for you and your kids.


and saying that might save your M, would you consider it?

Reality will hit him.
Has what you've been doing working?

Something to think about.
And don't think by doing the above will push him away more.
That's a common misconception.

[labug]

D@mn, that's a huge gamble if she's not there yet!

It's not that I'm against D, I just don't think threats of any kind should be used as a tactic.

J, you'll know when you're ready.

[jks]

I feel like this cycle will never end if I don't leave. I think not being around their father all the time would be hard but I also know that they could Skype and talk on the phone any time they wanted so he wouldn't be out of their lives completely.

Something's gotta give. I don't see myself moving forward here. I'm stuck.

It's like I realize now that my H and I may not be a good fit anymore but I still love him like crazy. I still feel like his W. I still can't believe this is happening to us. I still want to just hug him and call him mine again.

All the while, he's actively pursuing another woman. He's nurturing another relationship and bringing her into the family like I'm nothing. I will never understand how a person does this to another person.

I feel like I'm torturing myself by staying here. It feels like emotional abuse. I know now that I can be very happy on my own and I feel like I have that right now.

My H made the decision to break up our family. And now he's putting me in a really hard place. Like I said, I'll be thinking about it for a while. I'm just more headed in that direction right now.