Awesome on getting a therapist, yes be focused on your D8 to be the best dad you can and help her (actually, the more appropriate term would be "support" her through this; ie. don't coddle or protect her), and great that you have a plan to focus on your future employment/career.
Originally Posted By: Arsene
some of the problems i have is with the 180s. I'm not sure how to change my behaviour other than just try to catch myself whenever the "old" unwanted behaviour surfaces. I'm not sure that this is what is meant by 180. Do you have any suggestions?
Catching yourself at old, unwanted behaviour is great. The more responsive we can be to that, the more we effect the change in ourselves so these behaviours are gone.
What I mean by that, and more specific to your question about what a 180 IS, is that when you know what an unwanted behaviour is... DO THE OPPOSITE.
ie. If you are slovenly, then clean yourself up. If you are a neat freak, then relax about a couple clothes laying on your D8's floor. If you held everyone to extremely high standard, accept that not everyone can or will live up to those standards.
Practice these things in ALL aspects of your life, not just in your M. By repeating the POSITIVE (180) behaviour over enough time, these things become a habit... become the "norm" for you. And you won't find yourself catching yourself in your old, unwanted behaviour, anymore... at least, no where near as much as you are now.
Sometimes we can determine a 180 based on what our spouses complaints were, about us. Then again, our interpretation of what they meant, may be incorrect.
IOW, if our spouse say, "You never showed me you loved me", the 180 may not be to try to be more loving towards our spouse. They likely want space, so showing our love TO them would be pressure and pursuing. Rather, we would check if we are showing loving behaviours to others (such as our kids) and change our behaviours towards others in a positive way. Or, we may think showing our love is by giving gifts, when what they really want is for us to turn off our technology and actually spend time with them, talking about anything... and nothing...
I hope that helps somewhat.
On the other question about whether what you have been trying, was appropriate.
Lets back up a bit, first.
What is your W really telling you, right now?
Is your W telling you that she wants a divorce?
or
Is your W telling you that the M isn't turning out to be the way she thought it might be, or what she wants?
Because sometimes what our spouses are doing is asking for space.
And other times, they aren't pressing for divorce. They are just indicating that there's a problem and we should take note and act and change appropriately, without actually changing who we are, at our chi.
