Thanks for your replies and encouragement! You know what's kinda funny? You spend all this time feeling like you're in the emotional swamps from hell. Everything is bleak, and there's just this sense of either being numb or extreme depression. You literally think you will never come out of it. But eventually you do. I tell ya, I am so relieved to finally start to feel like me again!
Yes Kaffe... I must admit that when you're in your're an adult and your spouse suddenly turns into a rebellious and obstinate teenager, with one nasty attitude, it's quite disturbing! Honestly, when he and I were teenagers, I don't think we ever acted like that or treated our parents that way. And if we did...we'd be hauled off to the nearest juvenille hall!
I find it very interesting that the MLCer and LBS seem to experience many of the same things, but experience it going completely opposite directions. So many say they'd rather be the LBS any day over the MLCer. Honestly I've thought to myself at times I wish I could be the MLCer given it appears they're on this magic carpet ride of fun times, thrills, pills, and chills, well gee what a wonderful break from reality! Why can't I go along?
But then I got to thinking of how their perceptions of people, life, and situations tend to be so superficial and shallow that the idea of really living my life like that is not appealing! It's not authentic in the least. It doesn't sound like a fullfilling lifestyle for me. And I guess eventually it won't be a fullfilling life for the MLCer either. That makes me feel really sad for them. It makes me feel sad for XH. Look at what he's doing to himself?
Then what really hits me is if an when they really start to have an awakening and get out of that tunnel and start to realize what the heck they did. This is where I am relieved to be the LBS...for I literally couldn't live with myself if I woke up to see all the damage I had done, betrayal of feelings, and just plain old insanity on my own part. I think I would probably kill myself or kill myself trying to make it up to people.
I know we all need that space, time to ourselves, and No Contact to really heal, and after healing, growing into our new skins, better than we were before, or than we've ever been. I know in order to help me pull my self esteem out of the gutter, I needed my anger and resentment to at least get me up and moving forward. But I don't want to hold on to that forever, because anger does eat you up alive and steals your life from you.
So Im going to raise the bar on myself, and accept this still will take some time. I do know that if I were the MLCer, and i finally came out of this tunnel and looked back and saw what I had done to my loved ones, the remore, the regret, the guilt, the mortification I would have would just be so overwhelming. In order for me to want to keep living, I would need someone to forgive me. Someome to tell me they understood. Someone to still believe in me.
My goal is to truly work on forgivenss towards XH and give it to him graciously if he ever requests it from me.
I know him. I haven't seen the last of him. I think he just may make it out of that tunnel. There was a time that he was not a complete self absorbed narcissist teenager from hell. I know that because if he was, I wouldn't have married him! This new personality just started to show it's ugly face starting 7 years ago, after 14 years of marriage. No telling when he'll come out. Im letting go of the outcome, but have a feeling it will be a real doozey for him if he comes out of it.
Im very appreciative I have the gift of time now and have rediscovered the things that bring me joy in life that I had forgotten about. Believe it or not.... Im finally where I've wanted to be for a very long time. In a place where I felt free to discover myself and dive into all my interests!
You know what's kinda funny? You spend all this time feeling like you're in the emotional swamps from hell. Everything is bleak, and there's just this sense of either being numb or extreme depression. You literally think you will never come out of it. But eventually you do. I tell ya, I am so relieved to finally start to feel like me again!
Why can't I go along? 
It's not authentic in the least. It doesn't sound like a fullfilling lifestyle for me. And I guess eventually it won't be a fullfilling life for the MLCer either. That makes me feel really sad for them. It makes me feel sad for XH. Look at what he's doing to himself? 
