Need help with detaching and hoping to reconcile.

[lillystillinlove]

Scaredsilly and GWN, Thanks so much for responding.

I'll see if I can combine my response to you guys.

I am GALing to the best of my ability, with a full time job and the majority of the responsibility for ensuring our son gets to all of his activities time for myself is limited.

I started running (recently stopped due to shin splints, will resume as soon as possible)

I've been taking a painting class which I love

Working on reconnecting more with an old friend.

Staying connected with other friends (not something I tend to do because of being a military brat, former member and spouse of a retired member, relationships end when someone moves away)

What I hope to be able to do soon is join a yoga class at a studio opening in my local area, I just need to fit it into my workday somehow. A girl that I know and would like to be better friends with is opening it.

I also hope to get my son into a new charter school that is opening and for me to get more involved in that.

I need to figure out how to be able to paint at home, we just don't have the space for me to set-up.

Now on to the meat of what GWN pointed out to me.

Controlling - so not my nature previous to this situation, it almost feels reflexive. I know I'm an adult need to suck it up. 180 at our MC sessions is going to be hard. The emotions that well up are hard to deal with, there are times when I do shut up and try to listen but I get so focused on containing myself I can't really hear or rather absorb whats going on. Maybe a xanex before would help, can you spare one? Probably sounds like I'm not going to try but I will. Outside of the sessions I have stopped asking questions (where are you going, when are you coming back, how long will you be gone, who's going to be there)I slip on occasion but that is usually in the evening dealing with dinner and our son's bed time, and that is only when he contacts me. I only call or text when it comes to logistics.
I see where what I'm doing in session can be seen by him as controlling.

Expectations - SIGH... they creep in, that is true, but the ones that are harder to put aside are the ones involving our son. He loves H so much and he is so young it hurts to see how much he's hurt by the absence he feels already. The rest I try not to dwell on, I sometimes do though. It's just frustrating.

The discussion on assumptions - Well, I guess your saying don't assume I know the answer but don't ask questions to find out the answer. I guess I've done that for so long that now, so I can move forward I need to have some concrete answers. In our MC sessions our Dr has tried to explain this to H but he is resistant to it, and a lot of the time I feel set up to fail. I just want to make actual decisions to the smaller issues so I don't screw it up again. H says use common sense but it's not that easy with him. Things like, do you want me to clean the house or do you want me to leave crap where you left it? do you want me to make extra food so we have left overs or make what we need for the meals so I'm not throwing a ton of food away? Do you want me to do stuff with the banking or not? H has a tendency to, shall I say, flip-flop. If I do what he says he wants it's wrong later. Did you ever see gaslight? It wasn't always like this, we actually worked really well together for a long time. Classic example in our live that translates to many others it's hard to know the right answer:

Me: Honey will you take the basket of clean clothes up stares for me?
H: What, you can take them up yourself? SIGH, I'll do it later.

Later generally doesn't happen. But if I go to take it up he say, I said I would take it up!

Next time the basket needs to go up. As I'm walking up the stairs with the basket:

H: Why don't you just ask me to take it up for you?
Me: defeated sigh.

That scenario can be seen in subtle way in other areas of our life. For the obvious, easy things I've made changes and this is no longer an issue but the subtle one are probably part of what got us to this place. They are harder for me to realize.

Trying to stop all the expectations and assumptions as we speak, better get the hang of it soon, he moves out in 5 days.

I think the hardest part of him moving out is that he wants our son to be as unaware of it as possible. So not much is really changing except for where he actually sleeps.

GWN I agree with you, he does have a lot to work through, probably more than he even knows. Not only do I get frustrated but I also have a lot of sadness when it comes to seeing him hurting so much. I caused a lot of pain that he didn't deserve, but was so blind or numb to anything outside of myself for so many years I couldn't function. Barely leaving the house or interacting with people. The dynamic is so complex it's hard to know what came first, were we having major problems before all of that, did those problems in part lead to my depression? Did or major problems start with my depression? I don't know, and I don't know that I care. I just hope we can find our way back to one another and change how we interact so nothing like this ever happens again.

Thank you both again for your wisdom and insight. I think I need to work on consistency. being able to do all these things is the stressful situations too.

It may not seem like it from all those previous post but I've made a lot of progress over the past 6 months personally. I've definitely changed and I'm closer to that girl he fell in love with and that I miss. A lot of my posting so far is venting. So thanks for listening and advising too.