Thanks Starsky, and I agree-- he needs professional help.
Which he is getting for some of his issues, but not the biggest issue he has-- which is using this affair as an escape mechanism from his real self, and then trying to pull me in as his "lifesaver"
and no offense to him... but I can't take on that responsbility. Its too much to put on me. I told him so also. I basically said what you said, as far as I am concerned, your behavior is not one that is consistent with a husband who wants to work on this marriage and I also said, if you put yourself in my shoes, you would not be here. If consistently for six months I left you to go sleep in another man's bed, you would not be here. So you can't expect me to continue to hurt this way, just because you are not strong enough to fight for the life you want.
I am firm on my separation agreement-- it takes care of all the financials and plainly states that he has to inform me of when he is coming to the house, as a respect of my privacy and my decision to not be there.
For now, I am avoiding him, because time with him right now is not productive. I am moving forward, learning and goal setting. Focusing on my work, and engulfing my life with anything I can, other than this affair and my crumbling marriage.
Sometimes I want to just leave the state, and go home to my family, but I know that running away isn't always the answer. I have a good job, that doesn't come along everyday, where I get to give back and help others. I have two loving dogs that I love being with and a home that I enjoy, just as long as he isn't here. I can go swimming when he is here and ignore him. I know he will try to call me during work tomorrow and I already decided to turn both of my phones off...
again... baby steps... but getting stronger each day... and healing myself and hoping my husband can do the same...
If he is ever serious about this marriage, I would say that we definitely need MC, which is FREE with the military, and has NO effect on his military career-- he just uses that BS as an excuse...
anyway, thanks for listening as always... I am hanging in there and being strong... and focusing on ME
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
Hello again friends... just checking in to clue you in on my situation.
Its been a rough week really. Kind of an emotional roller coaster for me and then I got news that my dad's cancer is not improving, he is in stage 4 multiple myleoma (sp?) and the doctor's say it isn't looking well.
I admit, I was immature, and lashed out at my husband when I got home yesterday-- and told him I just wanted to be alone. Because he wanted to hold me, and console me, but that just makes me think things may be okay, and to be honest I don't know if they will... I mean he has a girlfriend.. hello...
So he gave me my space and is leaving me alone finally... which is good... I just want to get through this work day and tomorrow and enjoy some time to myself. The dogs are really a godsend right now, I come home to take care of them and nap with them and its something to look forward to.
So a little set back right now... gotta take care of myself and just get through the days right now... just wanted to keep you posted.
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
Sorry to hear about your dad. I want to pass some important medical information on to you. (I'm a physician and unfortunately, these are things his doctors likely do not know):
1) He should go on a gluten-free diet immediately. Go to pubmed and put in the search terms "multiple myeloma AND gluten". You will find many scientific articles documenting an association between gluten antibodies and multiple myeloma. In fact, some researchers think multiple myeloma may just be an extreme form of celiac disease. He's got nothing to lose and it might really change the course of his illness. The diet must be 100% strict in order to help him.
2) He needs to have his vitamin D level checked. It is often low in multiple myeloma and low vitamin D is associated with increased cancer risk.
3) Go to pubmed and put in "Multiple myeloma AND curcumin". Curcumin is the substance in the spice turmeric that gives curry its yellow color. There's a pretty encouraging study recently released on its use in multiple myeloma. Again - very safe to try, nothing to lose.
Thanks kml for the helpful information. I will be sure to forward it to my dad.
I am away from family, have been most of my married life, being a military wife you kind of get used to it.
My mom wanted me to come home a few weeks ago, to take a break from things here, but she can be demanding and puts stipulations on things ( her and my dad are no longer together).
So I decided to wait. Now I have to decide if I should take a trip home, but then am faced with the idea of him bringing the OW to the house, which he says he won't do, and I know that seems like a silly idea.
I guess I am lucky that I don't live around family, because I know they will bombard me with questions about my marriage- and right now I am just not ready to talk about it really. But then situations like this arise...
I guess if he wanted to bring her to the house he would, although I don't think she has been there. But I guess I can always do a house cleansing or something when I get back, like burn some sage...
Anyway, thanks again for all the info.
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
So for the last two days I have maintained no contact with my H, other than bill stuff. Although he did call a few times, but I accidentally missed the call.
Its hard to feel distant, but at the same time its too confusing to have false hopes while he is having a relationship outside of our marriage that is hurtful.
I made arrangements to go home in August to see my dad for a week. I am going to sit with him in the hospital during his chemo treatments. My H promised me he would be the only one in the house, although I don't know if I can trust it. He also wants to take me to the airport and pick me up, that saves me money from parking my car so I will take it.
He just came home a few minutes ago to sleep in the other room because they are broken up. According to him they are done, he told her to have a good life, and he did bring all of his stuff home, oh except for the one tshirt she refused to give back. She is already calling, I am pretty sure its only a matter of hours, if not minutes, before they are back together. I will call this breakup number 2, since breakup number 1 happened when he tried to bring her to the house and she realized I still lived there and for about two days they didn't talk, then it was that they were just going to be friends and he needed to take her grocery shopping, and then he was moved back in. So like I said, I am not convinced at all that this nightmare is over.
He did hug me before he went to bed, and cried a little, as he said I love you so much and this hurts. I am still maintaining my distance and no contact, because like I said, the OW is relentless and won't stop calling or texting or demanding to see him. Anyway, thats my night. I am headed to bed with two dogs curled up next to me, and hoping I can sleep.
Thanks for listening to my crazy life.
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
He is back to putting her first, only spent one night at home and was right back to her pretty much. I started looking for an apartment to move into, but he didn't like that idea because he wants me to stay in the house. He said he doesn't want a relationship with me right now, but doesn't want a divorce or to be separated, but he still has her.
I read his text messages to her and he told her he considered growing old with her, having children with her and he wants her in his life forever. I have been maintaing distance, and even consulted with a lawyer for the cost of a divorce. Told him the information and he was upset, says thats not what he wants.
I texted him this information, and he got upset with me because OW read it and he could tell she was happy about it and then stared demanding what we were planning because she has a right to know, so whatever.
He called me 14 times on my phone this morning, and I didn't answer. I went out last Saturday and he is noticing. I am starting to move on, preparing myself. A divorce would be costly and we don't really have that kind of money. Plus to be honest, I would be the one to suffer the most, while he would probably get everything and then she would probably live with him here in our house.
He wants to pick out paint colors this weekend because paint is on sale, but its seems odd when our future is up in the air and he wants a divorce he wants to pick out house colors. He told me he thinks he has a problem, like he is a sociopath. Like he doesn't have the ability to connect with people emotionally.
I don't know. He met me at work to talk for a few minutes, and he looked at me and was almost going to cry. He said I love you and I miss you and I don't want to lose you, I am miserable but I don't know what to do to end it with her. I told him simple you tell her the truth. His actions don't prove anything like him wanting me. He hugged me very sweetly and said I miss you so much as he was leaving.
thats all I got for now.
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
It has been a pretty draining week, so glad it is the weekend. I threw myself into work this week, and didn't talk to or see my husband that much. I researched possibly getting my own apartment, which seemed feasible, but just learned that my husband will be losing his job in a few months, so financially it would not be in my best interest to add more to the debt load.
He has spent the night at the OWs house all this week, so it has been easier not having to see him leave. One day I was home when he was leaving, and he hated leaving, but in the end he still left. I am coming to terms that my husband is in love with someone else, and maintaining distance.
He received his medical retirement package from the Army, the Army offered him 80 percent, and the VA offered him 90 percent. He asked for my opinion on what he should do, and I made sure he made a decision based on him and nothing else, and told him for him to do what he felt was best. He will sign the Army 80 percent package on July 31st. This means within the next 3-6 months he will be out of the Army and jobless. We will lose our money for the house that we get from the military, so things will be tight until he starts to use his GI Bill to go to school. So a lot of changes ahead. As part of the military retirement, I will get a healthcare package option, to retain my military id card benefits and he continues to want to support me in that way, although that isn't everything to me. He is very loving and sweet when he is around me, and begs me not to leave him or divorce him, thats not what he wants. I told him I just need time to myself and space. I just typed up a weekly schedule for my weight loss program, its a 90 day exercise routine with a menu attached to it, so that will be pretty consuming and accomplish my goal setting and taking care of me needs. He wants to go paint shopping for the house this weekend, but I still have mixed feelings. Anytime he brings up the OW, I stop him and ask him not to talk about it. He says he is starting to realize she is not his forever person, and I tell him I hope he finds his forever person one day, and then he looks at me all sad, like I should know that I am his forever person. We can't really afford a divorce, and he isn't doing anything to file papers, so its in my best interest to just focus on me and try to learn how to be separated I suppose. He still wants to kiss me and hold me, and thats confusing. I tell him he can't do that, and he doesn't understand. I am taking more time for myself, more bubble baths and more book reading on affairs. I think my husband has issues, honestly, and does need professional help. We are little past 6 months, so don't want to give up yet, but it gets discouraging sometimes. I wish his actions would match his words, but they don't, and thats where I am starting to put up walls to move forward. To be his friend, but not his wife right now. I am trying to be more social, although I don't really want to date, because I am not that way, but looking to make new friends in the city to take my mind off of this consuming rain cloud. Hope everyone is having a good weekend so far.
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
The part where he is having the affair, but does not wants you to leave, I can relate. I don't think they want us there except as some sort of labor support. As long as you keep the house and are there as the 'family', that is all they want. Never mind that we get nothing in return. All the love and passion goes to the OW. I feel your pain.
____________________________________ Me: 42 WW: 46 Married: 14y D-Day: 5/18/2012 D 12, S 8 Status: In my room, but A Continues
Thanks wont_stop, I will have to read up on your thread, because it does feel like a very unique,lonely situation we are in.
I noticed your status says "in my room" are you and your wife living in separate rooms too? We are, and its weird, although my husband is home to sleep here very much so its not that horrible.
He still wants to come spend time with me, like today he wants to go on a "date." To be honest, I am not really in the mood. I see what you mean, where its like we are kept here for our support and ability to keep the family and house going. Sometimes I do get frustrated and want to run, but I have no where to go, and we can't afford two places to live and I am really am just stuck here waiting for him to divorce me, which he won't, or for me to walk away and lose everything I have invested over the years. Its weird, because I feel like if I walk away, he wins-- he would get the house because I would be tired of fighting, he would get the dogs, and he would just move her in, in my place. So they would win, and I would lose. At least right now, I have my dogs to keep me company and my house as my turtle shell/sanctuary where I can keep to myself and work on my goal setting and getting a life. I hope things get better for you, I am sorry you are in this same horrible hell I am.
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
He still wants to come spend time with me, like today he wants to go on a "date." To be honest, I am not really in the mood. I see what you mean, where its like we are kept here for our support and ability to keep the family and house going. Sometimes I do get frustrated and want to run, but I have no where to go, and we can't afford two places to live and I am really am just stuck here waiting for him to divorce me, which he won't, or for me to walk away and lose everything I have invested over the years. Its weird, because I feel like if I walk away, he wins-- he would get the house because I would be tired of fighting, he would get the dogs, and he would just move her in, in my place. So they would win, and I would lose.
Wow. That's an AWFUL lot of assumptions. How do you know all this? Have you consulted with a GOOD family law attorney yet?
