more turtles by my side...

[zig]

vera, labug - thanks

labug - i've been thinking about those boundaries a lot lately.

i'm getting a new sense here about what it means to have one and for what reason one puts them into place.

i don't know if i can articulate clearly enough what i am feeling, but i will try.

when we are in a place where we get hurt or abused by others words/ actions or the way they treat us, then boundaries need to be put into place to protect ourselves and to get the respect we need. when we get that space for ourselves, then slowly we can see more clearly what those needs are

what happens when we are detached enough that their words/ actions DON'T affect us so deeply any longer?

Do those same boundaries apply? or do we adjust them and be flexible enough to set up new parameters for ourselves and others? or do we just hold on to those old ones, just in case?

during the months i was dim, I needed h to stay away - because i couldn't handle what he was doing around me. when i got stronger i realized that he could come and go, and it didn't affect me much at all.

specific things affected me - and i felt that each of them that came up, needed to come up to teach me something, to help me define something for myself, to show me what i needed to work on, to help me understand where i was really at and to change that for the better for myself.

through all of this one could say my h has been consistent - he's taken a stand and is sticking by it - at least until now, and for however long he chooses to. but where i'm at is much more significant for me. and i will say that i couldn't see the possibility of being at this place before for myself.

where i'm at is being able to live that no matter what he is doing, i can stay consistent in my feelings for him, step back enough to see what's mine to fix (myself) and what's not mine (his stuff)

now, the only boundary i need to have is the firm one for myself - how much do i allow what he is doing to affect me?

and each week i find that boundary getting stronger and stronger.

not the one where he is or isn't doing certain things. but the boundary of where i'm at in my reaction to it.

that is the only way i can see myself being successful whether i have to move forward on my own or whether we reconcile.if we do r, i cannot depend on him changing his ways. i will have to depend on how i have changed mine only.

i hope that what i wrote makes sense.

i am taking what i can use - and it's a lot a lot. and i love being on this board for that reason.

hope you're having a great weekend.

zig

ps. i just thought of a conversation between h and me a few weeks ago that demonstrates this.

me: h, you don't have to knock on the door when you come in each time (I had never asked him to do that, he just started after he moved out)

h: oh, I do. you need your space and I need mine. and this gives you the space

me: Actually, your actions do not affect the space I'm in. (and i only realized that in the moment I said it). I'm really fine where I'm at and i don't need you to decide for me whether I need that space or not. I can decide that for myself. I will continue to knock when I come to your place, since you say you need that space.

h: No, you don't need to knock when you come over (I barely ever go there)

only after i realized that i had made a new boundary with h - "don't decide for me what I need, based on what you are feeling. this came after he had had that long conversation with our friend in march where he admitted to being in an mlc, and during that had told her "s and zig need a lot of space - i have to stay away and give it to them"

i know i digressed a bit there -but this is what it's all about for me right now