Just keep in mind and notice when you do something, whether there might be some way that you are hoping or expecting a result in your W. That is the important thing.
You indicate that you are NC (no contact) for a few days. You do need to understand that a once, or a day, or even a week of something is hardly enough time to make any difference.
Also, NC is for you, not to try to cause a change in your W. DBing is not about tactics. It's about getting ourselves to a place where we can be pro-active in our life, from this moment forward and then to work towards our goals. What ever they might be. And in this case, it is often goals in relation to our M, whether we stick at it or move on.
When we are finally being pro-active. It is a good idea to have a combination of GAL and 180s as well as some clear goals about our future (with or without our spouses) and work towards them.
In regards to our spouses, we carry on with the GAL and 180s etc by DOING. So the process is:
+ Do for an extended period of time, in an effort to make some change a habit and lasting/permanent
+ Observe for any changes in our spouse positive, negative, or none.
+ If there is no change in our sitch, then we can choose to keep doing what we are doing, only because we like doing it
+ If there is a positive change in our sitch, then we say "keep doing what's working". And we can add something different at that time, while keeping doing what we are doing that is working.
+ If there is a negative change in our sitch, we need to course correct.
This is the purist form of SBT (Solutions oriented Brief Therapy).
Take away all "reasons" and just DO, OBSERVE, ADJUST, DO.
What eventually happens with most people is, there becomes layers of "reasons" as to why we would or would not do something.
If you choose to have reasons, live by them or adjust them if they are no longer working for you.
Otherwise, get rid of your reasons. We are all just humans living on this earth and intermingling with each other.
Our reasons are the basis for our morals and ethics. So consider what is the basis for your reasons and whether you want to hold on to them or get rid of them.
