Had a pretty quiet weekend, but went over to a friends place for dinner on Friday night. Kept myself busy for the rest of the weekend, with lots of walking, photographing, reading, and so forth. Realised I need to get more socially active. So, I joined a couple of reading groups and coffee meetups.
I also suggested cinema with my H. He couldn't make it as he had plans for lunch with some friends, but suggested drinks afterwards instead. I felt like I didn't want to be on-call, and besides I would have been settled in for the night. In addition, he likes to get to sleep early on Sunday nights and I wanted more freedom than just sitting around looking at the clock. So, I declined and said another time.
That would have been that, except he kept texting me asking me if I knew about certain things. Turns out, he met a friend for drinks in the evening, and they were out well past his bedtime. Well, that pretty much got me. The amount of arguments we have had regarding his sleep in the past are so numerous, I was pretty miffed.
In the end, I texted him to please call me when he gets home so we can chat. Eventually, he calls and I said, "Thank you for calling.... I just want to say that I can be enthusiastic and so forth about what you do, but I require more bonding. I declined tonight's activities because I was being considerate of your schedule plus I was already settled in etc., only to find that it didn't matter afterall." Then he said, "Well, when you say it like that, you have me in a corner." Eventually, he then started to refer to the past again, and how he feels this is a criticism and that he feels like I am asking him to account for where he is/what he is doing.
I said that that I was not asking him to account for where he is, then I repeated that I just want to bond more so that I can support him in his activities. Otherwise, I feel like I am on the sidelines and I don't feel good about that. I remained calm, and made sure I did not raise my voice.
Then he said that he made that date for 6 August and wasn't I happy with that, and that he wants to start slowly and he's just dipping his toe in the water. But that this discussion is just reminding him of all the things he dislikes. That he is into the idea of dating, but doesn't want to account for where he is at.
So, I said, "Yes, I am glad you brought that up because I am a little confused. The last thing you said about that was that you wanted an open dating situation. So, what does that mean? Does that mean we will be dating other people?"
He said, no it doesn't mean we are dating other people, it means that he doesn't want to account for how he spends his time.
I said, "Ok, I am glad that's cleared up because I was confused, and if it were an open situation as in dating other people, then I can't do that as it would screw up my emotions."
He then wanted to dig around as if in defensive mode, and started pulling in all kinds of scenarios and past events and past feelings. I did get triggered a couple of times, and answered him back in defensive mode and started to let lose, but reeled myself back in pdq. Still, he went on and on about how this is exactly the sort of thing he hates, and he doesn't want to feel controlled.
Look, I said, "All I want to do is bond more. And, if I knew that your schedule had changed and it now doesn't matter what time you go to bed, then we could have gone to the cinema. So, what you are saying is that I needn't care about your bedtime anymore."
He said, "No, you don't have to concern yourself with that. I'll take care of my own schedule."
OK!
Incidentally, one of the things I had been doing during the day was watching the Marriage Breakthrough download by MWD from this forum. I took her advice in keeping things short and sweet when talking, and CLEAR and ideally positive - when asking them what you would like to have done. I thought I had done that but maybe not well enough otherwise he wouldn't maybe have felt so defensive.
Somehow, not sure how, but it might have been in response to my H saying, "We always get into these types of discussions. Can't we ever just have fun" kind of thing.
I said, "I've been watching a DVD about this very thing. Maybe I could email it to you to watch, though it's a big file so not sure I can send it along to you. But maybe I could let you borrow my computer that it's on.
Then he said, "Well, maybe we can watch it together on Friday."
I said, "That's a good idea!"
That's how the conversation ended.
Anyway, by the time we ended the conversation, it was 11pm (about an hour of discussion), and he was grumpy and still pissed. I emailed him later to say thank you for the conversation, I appreciated that, and that I felt listened to.
I just got an email from H saying that though he felt uncomfortable with last night's conversation, he was actually in agreement with what I said. So, he gave me his entire schedule for the next 2 months and made it an open book to get together and hang out.
I'm not sure if this is piecing or not, but it's a big step in the right direction.
When your H said he didn't want to account for all his time, I get where he was coming from.
Then when you replied about hanging out more if you knew his schedule, he sat with the idea for a bit & then emailed you with his next 2 months schedule.
Reading between the lines he wants to hang out more, but is trying to deal with his resentments from your R of having his time accounted for or even planned out for him.
See it as a trial for him and a chance to iron out some of the resentments Whilst trying to get closer to reconciling.
Remember there is no rush here, just keep doing what works.
Bill
Me 34 W 32 D 9 S 6 M: 9 years T: 12 Bomb: 02/11/12 EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing Moved out: Oct 2012 Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13
I am curious about this whole, 'accounting for time' thing. It's one of those bug bears we have had.
In the past he'd have his whole schedule organised - much like he does now - except back then I wouldn't have a clue about his schedule. He kept it so under wraps - I suppose it was his fear of being 'taken over by me'. From time to time, his schedule clashed with my desire for spontaneous action.
So, for example, I would call him on a Friday and say, "Would you like to meet for drinks later on?" And then, he'd be like, "I've already planned x,y or z. But we can do it another time...let me check my diary. Tuesday is good."
By then, I'm well onto something different.
So, what would happen is that after a few of those types of scenarios, I'd be like, "Arrghhhh!!! OK! What are you doing now?! Please let me know what your schedule is so that I can make sure I don't call you on those days." Huffing and puffing.
After a bit of that, next thing you know, you're being accused of trying to control his schedule. This is probably such a typical scenario in so many relationships to be honest.
But really, it's because you want to be able to do something together spontaneously - and the only reason one wants to know the schedule is to understand why the hell their schedule isn't more flexible, and begin to argue against the schedule so that you can get an hour or two slotted in. It really is like one is fighting sometimes for some spontaneous excitement.
Then it goes downhill.
Now fortunately, we are starting off on a different foot this time . I didn't ask to see his schedule, and it's fantastic that he gave it to me since many times I feel like I am shooting in the dark with my plans with him. My schedule is very different. I tend to plan a week in advance....unless it's work but even then, work too is rather spontaneous - in some cases I know a day in advance.
If anyone has any solutions to what is probably a very typical cycle, I'm all ears - thanks!!
The last two days have been....interesting and busy.
H came over yesterday to watch Olympics opening ceremony, but also some of the Marriage Breakthrough workshop by MWD. We managed to watch an hour of it. I was pleased with that.
I made some lovely dinner, and then we watched the Olympics. It was a very pleasant evening, and we ML as well.
Today we hooked up in the early afternoon, went for a long walk, went to the park, had a lovely afternoon. Then, not sure what happened exactly - or actually, I do. A couple of his friends called to say they wanted to hook up. It was a rerun of old tension-filled moments.
Then, I took a deep breath, and just let whatever happen happen. My anxiety comes from too many times with his friends, drinking ensues, hanging out forever and a day, and just generally it turns into talking about work. They also know each other a lot better than I ever do - mainly because no one is interested in Art. Bottom line, I just don't feel relaxed.
That starts translating and I am always ready to leave before everyone else. So, there was something in my mind rolling around saying, "It never is quite as it appears. See what happens."
So, the friends turn up and they are really nice. I get on well with them, AND turns out they have to leave within 1/2 hour because they couldn't find good parking. It seemed the angels were smiling on me.
I think H was disappointed - because soon after they left he was quiet for a long time. I too was quiet, but mainly because he was quiet. It was one of those cycles. So, all the way home we were quiet, and it was hard to break through, hard to make conversation. The friends texted to say they felt bad for leaving so soon and if we wanted to hook up later we could.
I had DVD's to return, and was getting hungry - so that was the priority. We went back home to grab the DVDs, and he was so cold and turned off I was finding it difficult to be with him. So much so that on the way back out the door, he let the door close and I was still on the other side of it. IOW, it closed on me. I rolled my eyes and just then, he saw me rolling my eyes.
Things got even cooler after that. On the way to the video store was hell. Cold, distant, quiet and I felt like I just wanted to leave really. I'd had enough of his moods. But, I stuck with it, and just got through it.
We finally ended up having dinner and the mood changed around. I was much more relaxed, and could talk a lot more...having some food helped me. He even mentioned how much more expressive I was, and he was too as a result. The funny thing is that I felt that he was a lot more expressive before I was, and particularly when compared to earlier in the day.
