thinking on new life w/o X

[forward]

Sleeper,
A 7-year-old at home alone? Yeesh. That seems like a possible CPS call!!

Sounds as if she wants to keep tabs on you.

I really think that many MLCers do not realize that time passes and things change, and the LBS will move on.

X wanted me to do him a favor, something clerical that I used to do during the M. At first said I would. After a while I thought it over and realized I really didn't want to do this favor for him at all. So I told him that I didn't want to and he should find someone else to do it. I was polite and nice but clear. Unlike the past, he wasn't stewing with fury and resentment.

I am headed to a lovely beach town w/New Guy and his girls and D. We feel like a family and it will be fun. We went there last year and the kids had a ball.

I used to feel bad going to this locale (first few years after bomb) because it reminded me of X. I still think of X sometimes when I'm there. But it is not the way that it used to be. I think of some nice memories but they are not painful.

I also remember that the last time we went there, he complained--bitterly--the entire time.

And I guess that's his legacy. More than anything now, I remember his complaining.

[sleeper]

I must clarify. They were left alone for brief times at that age (run to her business blocks away to pink up something) and had babysitters for dates until the oldest was about 10 or 11. X was a latchkey child of a broken home and she looks at it like, "I was at home alone at her age..."

Rcently II proposed to Ladyfriend and she accepted. The "heatstroke hike" was attitude altering for her. She had hangups about trusting totally and had prayed about it. She said her condition in the hike put her in a bad place and she had no choice but to trust me to get her out of there safely. Afterward she said shd prayed, "OK God I get it. I'd be a fool to let this one go." I was not aware of this until I mentioned her demeanor seem different after the "heatstroke hike",
as if she'd experienced an attitude adjustment. She laughed saying I had "no
idea" and told me her story.

When X learned we were engaged (from third party) by phone she informed me I should have told her informed her prior to proposing and she had already contacted an attorney and would be taking full custody of the children (we have shared custody, exactly 50/50). I calmly responded there wasn't much point in that as the kids are almost old enough to decide for themselves. She deflated
significantly and responded, "I know". Since that phone convo we've had a face to face. I handled it very diplomatically and was able to take it down a few notches. She's adamant her children will never live under the same roof with my fiancée's kids.

Quickly after that X began "making nice". My fiancée says X is acting like jealous girlfriend.

[AJM]

Congratulations, Sleeper!

Jealous ex girlfriend? Go figure...



AJ

[kml]

My fiancée says X is acting like jealous girlfriend.

Ummm....yeah! Sadly predictable.

I'm wondering, though - does your ex have something specific against your fiancee's kids? Or is she just freaking out about the reality of blended families that SHE caused in their lives?

[sleeper]

I don't want to hijack Forward's thread but I think much of this could apply to other's situations.

X is generally very controlling. She always was a bit but her control issues went into overdrive (or she stopped trying to restrain it). She had a pre-determined plan of how everything (finances, child custody, co-parenting, etc.) concerning our split and responded with mlc furled spew if there was any deviation.

X was born into a dysfunctional home that became broken. Both of her parents remarried, her mother to a new spouse that had kids if his own, the other to a spouse that bore him more children. X and her brother bounced back and forth between the two. One parent died when she was a teen and the other moved across the country. She finally moved in with her grandparents.

She stated her desire that if I marry it would be to someone with no children. She even restated in a recent discussion that was one of the reason she chose OMH as he has none and doesn't want any of his own. She has even suggested specific women with no children as potential dates to me. I never went out with any of them.

Insecurity? Fear? Repeating a pattern?

Of course any negative consequences of our D that have already occured or will occur in the future are totally my fault.

[AJM]

I almost spit my coffee out when I read that she tried to help you pick a future spouse. Then I remember my ex's behavior...

Seems the more you are away, the better from that kind of behavior.

Glad to hear about the future plans! Very excited for you and your new life

Go get 'em!!!

AJ

[forward]

Sleeper,
Congratulations! You can rest easy knowing you did your best with your X, and she made her choices. And jealous? Well, she got the booby prize, and by now the blush is off the rose and she knows she has a booby prize.

I think for some of the MLCers...there is simply a lack of maturity in realizing that life will change, that good times don't last, but neither do the bad. It seems that the LBS is taken for granted until it is truly too late.

I have had a surge of confidence and optimism lately. Life has steadily improved for me.

[forward]

And as for me...I went w/New Guy and family and we had a good time. It was a bit of one of those crazy vacations as I became quite ill, our lodging was kind of a mess and we had a lot of rain, but gosh, I'd still rather be there with them.

New Guy's family and me and D are connecting more and more. We feel like a family. Good things are coming for us.

I am home now and miss all of them!!!

This particular destination was one that I had with X many times, but now it has begun to belong to New Guy and to me and the children.

X is still having difficulties medically and I feel sorry for him. But...it is past.

And like you, Sleeper, I found myself in an interesting situation. I was in the hospital...not that sick, but not that great off, either, and with New Guy. And he stayed with me and helped me decide what to do, and he didn't panic the way X would have, and we watched a funny movie that made me laugh and he made me laugh with the nurses, and although I was worried, he soothed me and helped me decide to go home, and gosh, he is a wonderful man!!

[sleeper]

I'm glad you're OK Forward.

...New Guy. And he stayed with me and helped me decide what to do, and he didn't panic the way X would have.

I had a thought years ago that people are like toothpaste and bananas. If you want to find out what a person is made of, watch what they do under pressure. When pressure is put on a person, what they are made of comes out. Sounds like "New Guy" is a good man.

I had a dream just before I proposed to Ladyfriend. In the dream she had two very large greeting cards for me. When she opened the first one there were many little pieces of paper folded and glued inside the card containing different things she was giving to me. I could only see what was written on the first one in the top left corner. It said, "Family". I can't wait to learn what was on the others.

[forward]

X continues to flounder. He is deeply absorbed with New Woman's problems, which are very serious, and with his own medical issues, which are also pretty bad.

I don't know if X will mature through this. I guess many experiences in life are maturing.

However, from my perspective now, my concern is that he pays attention to D, and I would have to give credit that he improved in that way. Maybe it's more pleasant to be with a happy child. I do find myself baffled as to why he chose to involve himself with this woman after his crisis instead of paying attention to his own kid. I guess I am just grateful that he's improved somewhat.

He did snap at me and I gave it back and he apologized. But I don't really acknowledge him any more, beyond just being polite.

Amazing, this person I once knew so well. I haven't had a real conversation with him in probably 5 years now.