My Story--long

[labug]

Should I make dr appts and FORCE her to go?

How do you think that might work for you?

It is her body, she gets to decide if and when she pursues other medical care.

Strong arming her will most likely make her even less apt to share her innermost fears or possible feelings of inadequacy with you.

What do you love abut your wife? Do you tell her you love her because of those things? Have you validated her feelings on this on this subject.

Have you communicated to her in a way that can help her feel safe?

[Breakdown]

Hey man. Let's pretend for that my wife and I both feel horrible over the way this whole thing was handled. How's that?

Of course it made me angry. Of course I was very hurt. Most people would be hurt when they find their spouse has hidden something so intamate and so personal for a year. And. It still hurts just a bit even to talk or type about it now. It's something I gave never shared with anyone. Ever.

I included it as part of our story here because I think it's the most obvious place to start. It's where out imtamscy issues began

But I have let go of it and I have forgiven her.

"my way" of approaching this issue has been what else was suggested here just a few post ago in this thread. That we seek another doctor who is willing to work with us and not just say "everything looks ok". My wife's only response has been to do nothing. Should I make dr appts and FORCE her to go? I have told her I am willing to do whatever she wants to move forward on this issue. At what point is she accountable for doing nothing at all?

Whoa. I think we all get that you're angry and hurt about your wife not feeling comfortable trusting you with this, but what about her feelings? If you were no longer able to get an erection, do you think you'd just be fine talking about it? Or do you think you'd feel embarrassed? Less of a man? Less of a husband? And regardless what your answer is, your wife is a different person. Try to see it from her perspective...stop focusing on your hurt and look at hers.

I've been a pretty selfish person most of my life, so I'm only saying this because I see a lot of my old thoughts in your messages.

Oh, and I will add one thing to what Mach said about forgiveness. I don't know where I read it, but the saying was "forgiveness is a gift you give yourself." That's really true. Once you truly forgive, you let go of that pain and frustration. I have done that part, and it is truly a different world on the other side. Give yourself that gift if you haven't already.

[Mach1]

Hey man. Let's pretend for that my wife and I both feel horrible over the way this whole thing was handled. How's that?

Hey man...

Why the anger ?

I didn't say that you didn't feel horrible over this..

All I said was that there was a lot of anger coming through in your words when you speak of it....

If that is untrue, then tell me....

Of course it made me angry. Of course I was very hurt. Most people would be hurt when they find their spouse has hidden something so intamate and so personal for a year. And. It still hurts just a bit even to talk or type about it now. It's something I gave never shared with anyone. Ever.

Why ?

When have YOU taken the time to vent your frustrations about this ?

Have you seen a therapist ? Any counseling ?

This is an "us" (as in you and her) issue, yet it is also a Joey issue that has to be dealt with too.

How did that make you feel ? I would venture that it made you feel like less of a man ? And I can tell you, that if you feel that way, then you should look into some counseling, to work through that within yourself...because that couldn't be further from the truth.

I included it as part of our story here because I think it's the most obvious place to start. It's where out imtamscy issues began

This is where I differ for now...

I think there were issues in place BEFORE this started, that led to her being secretive about this.

Why would you think that she felt uncomfortable coming to you with this ?

"my way" of approaching this issue has been what else was suggested here just a few post ago in this thread. That we seek another doctor who is willing to work with us and not just say "everything looks ok". My wife's only response has been to do nothing. Should I make dr appts and FORCE her to go? I have told her I am willing to do whatever she wants to move forward on this issue.

What does SHE want to do ???

When I say...'your way'....

If she chooses to do nothing, and you push for her to do something....How is that supporting her ?

That would be your way of fixing her problems...

I can tell you this...

While hormones DO play a part in a Woman's life...Rarely do they lead them to make this sever of a decision...

So when I see someone trying to blame ALL of their problems on hormones, it usually is a front for something deeper....


So, what do you want to do ?

At what point is she accountable for doing nothing at all?

When she is at the Pearly Gates.....

The same as ALL of us....

[chatterbug]

Look at it this way Joey.

This is your issue.

So you have to own it.

You have to decide what is acceptable and unacceptable with you.

A boundary time for yourself.

If the boundary for you is that

I will only be involved in a active healthy sexual relationship

Then you go about it.

But first you need to set that up and do the work.

Build trust. Build attractiveness. Do the work.

Lead.

Then when you are at a point where you know that you are ready to enforce this boundary.

You lead.

You state it.

You let her know that it is unacceptable for her to ignore or minimize problems that you see in the marriage.

Then you watch her actions to determine your course of action.


As this problem will never go away for you.


But to get to this point you have to work on yourself.

It goes like this.

Your Responsibility

Work on yourself. Rebuild trust and attractiveness.

Her Responsibility.

Work on herself. Rebuild trust and attractiveness.


Then when you are both at this point.

Marriage Responsibility.

Rebuild trust and communication. Work on and resolve marriage issues.

So step back and work on yourself.

[joeyp130]

This is great advice. TY chatter bug

I understand it but actually putting it into place is the problem

She has said she is giving us (me) a few months to see if she will feel differently.

We are supposed to watch a movie together tonight after our son goes to bed but we will see if it happens.

I am trying to engage her in just everyday conversation but it doesn't seem to work.

I have read the DR book but applying it is a different story

I am using as many of the rules as I can

I am not sure how to handle the next few months. She has said she is open to trying to do things with just us and with our son.

I have decided that I will not help her divorce me or go through with her idea of the DIY divorce. I will not leave this house. If she wants a divorce then she will need to do that herself. I can't stop her.

[joeyp130]

My biggest question and confusion is what next? What do I do and how should I handle the next 3 months? Should I detach? Should I try to spend as much time with her as I can just trying to reconnect and have fun?

No clue as to what to do.

I am trying to figure out a way to budget some DR coach sessions. I think that will help.

[joeyp130]

UPDATE


Ok. So yesterday went ok. We had planned to watch a movie together after our son went to bed.

So the day started with her going to a family baby shower. One of her cousins had asked if I would watch her son as well so I had my son and her son for the day. Good times. I played games and watched movies with the boys then took them to the park

While at the park, the wife calls and says all the family was going to go to her moms house for a big family dinner. She had even said I could go. I chose not to go. Since this all happened she has said she feels awkward and uncomfortable when I am around her with her family.

While she was gone, I watched a movie and worked out. I have lost almost 30 pounds since this has happened

She gets home and I didn't 20 question her. I just asked her if her and our son had a food time

I put our son to bed and she was downstairs on the couch and asked me what movie we were going to watch. I let her pick

A few times during the movie I could tell she was tired. She was up well past her bedtime as well. I told her to go ahead and go to bed. Not with any sort of attitude. Just, "hey sweatie, I know you are tired. You can go ahead up to bed if you'd like"

She finished watching the movie with me and we chatted about it for a bit then she went to bed.

I thought it was a good day/good night.

Today has been ok. We have just had normal talk and she asked me if I would cook steaks tonight in the grill for dinner

I am thinking of buying a DVD program for " home therapy". I saw the name if it mentioned here on the forums somewhere but I forget the name. I bookmarked it on my computer. When she agreed to give it a few months she said she would do any books or programs I wanted but she did not want to go to traditional couples therapy. So I think this program might work or help


Thanks all
joeyp

[chatterbug]

Hey Joey. When she gives it a few months....

How about you do the same.

[joeyp130]

Hey Joey. When she gives it a few months....

How about you do the same.

Hey chatterbug

I don't think I understand what you mean

[joeyp130]

UPDATE

Hey all

Ok. So I had my first session with a DB coach today. THANKS CHUCK!

He said basically I was in LRT mode now with a little twist with the wife's added "3 months to see where things go". He explained to me what that really meant and how to handle it

He laid out a plan for me over the next few weeks and told me what to expect and how to handle it.

I feel so much better. For the first time since my bomb I feel at least in control of what I am feeling and what I should be doing. I have been all over the map in my words and actions that from day to day I didn't know what I should do.

He wants me to dial back my initiated interactions with her. He wants me to have nothing but positive interaction with her. He wants me to laugh and smile more. Have fun with my kid and GAL!

I'm going bike riding today. I'm not emailing or texting her. I am going to let her see I am in control of my actions and I am a calm, positive person.

Thanks all. And once again, THANKS CHUCK!

joeyp