Need help with detaching and hoping to reconcile.

[greatwhitenorth]

Hi Lilly

My responses below are pretty to the point so please don't take offense. I find addressing things directly is better than beating around the bush.

Keep posting. You will get advice, although you might not always like it. You will also get a great deal of empathy, but very little encouragement for wallowing, anger or self-defeating behavior.

It is counterintuitive, but there is little to no hope of reconciling with your H UNLESS YOU BACK OFF, GIVE HIM SPACE AND GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE AS IF IT IS OVER. This is a covert operation.

I am unable to contain my anger.

Try to make this one of your 180s, for your own health and that of your son if nothing else. Kids pick up on negative energy.

I get frustrated with his inability to get past his anger so we can start working on repairing our marriage.

This sounds like you are trying to control him. Are you a controlling person? What were his complaints?

Itemize the things he is angry about and 180 them if you can. It is a slow road so don't look for your H to notice the changes or for progress in your R anytime soon. Remember, 180s are largely FOR YOU. Your H has made it clear that he does not want to repair your marriage right now. You need to respect his wishes.

How to I manage myself in those sessions, what can I do? I'm doing good when when we are not in that situations, I can work the DR method pretty well but those sessions can be so provocative.

You are a grown up, you control your emotions. Choose to keep a lid on it. 180 the crap out of the provocation. Take an enormous emotional step back from it and just listen and validate when appropriate. If you can't say nothing nice, don't say nothing at all. What he says will probably be painful, but such is the road you've chosen in being here.

If I make assumptions I'm told I shouldn't if I don't and ask questions so I understand he says I should already know the answer and that the question makes him feel attacked.

THEN STOP! You shouldn't be asking him questions as it's perceived as prying. You shouldn't be mind reading either. Sit quietly, observe and the answers will come to you.

DBing is about doing what works. Asking questions isn't working. Making assumptions isn't working

FOCUS ON YOU.

Do I stop asking? Do I live life as if he were not my husband and father to our son?

Yes, STOP ASKING.
Yes, live your life AS IF you have accepted his choice and focus on being your best self and the best mom you can for your son.

Should I not have any expectations when it comes to our son and the time he spends away from home at his new place?

No, you should NOT HAVE ANY EXPECTATIONS. How your H spends his time away from you and your son is, quite frankly, none of your business. As for the time your son spends away from you, do you have any reason to believe that your H doesn't have his son's best interests at heart? Do you suspect any mistreatment? If not, leave it alone. There's an element of control here too. Trust your husband with his son unless you have a reason not to.

Am I not allowed to ask that any new or any intimate relationships not be pursued because We and Our SON deserves our full effort on the figuring this out?

This smacks of control too. Your H has opted out of your marriage at the moment. That might change down the road, but for now you have to accept it and give him all the freedom and space he wants. You cannot control him back to you.

There are a couple of discussions going on now with regard to OWs and children. Can't remember who exactly, but seek them out. Key thing is, though, that you need to stop trying to control things.

This is what I'm afraid will happen, he'll live the single life going out to bars, picking up chicks or resurrecting his relationship with the OW in some form. He'll start to neglect his obligations to our son and slowly remove himself from the picture of our family. [

This just might happen, in the short term at any rate. And if you keep pressuring him odds are that it will carry on for the long term and perhaps permanently. He has to WANT to come back to you, and as long as you are angry and controlling that will not happen. He will find relief the way he needs to. Shine a positive light on yourself.

Why do I say that? He was leaving his second wife when I met him, granted she had some heavy baggage (drug and alcohol addiction, violence toward him) but he was out trolling while married then decided he should give it one more chance, which obviously didn't work.

So why do you want to repeat the past? Take the time to work on yourself. Become a calm, confident, independent woman that any man would be a fool to leave. History has a way of repeating itself, and in all likelihood if he were to turn around today and land on your doorstep, the same thing would happen. FOCUS ON YOU.

Besides, it sounds like your H has a bucketload of issues of his own and that maybe he IS doing to you what he did to his first wife. What makes you think the outcome could be different?

My H's first marriage lasted two years, then he bolted. My marriage to H lasted 2.5 years, then he bolted. I didn't think he'd bolt on me because we had a really, really good life and he had everything he ever wanted. Thing is, H hadn't dealt with the issues that prompted him to bolt the first time, and I had no idea they existed. I have a much more clear idea of what's going on now, and it's very sad and very serious stuff that runs incredibly deep. Fortunately he's dealing with them now but the likelihood of reconciliation for us is slim to none. I don't know if he's still with OW and have never, ever asked him about her. As far as I'm concerned, as long as he's not with me it's none of my business. We don't have kids, but he did convince me to move to a rural community and property where we knew nobody and then just over a year later he walked out. It was kind of like "death by cop"...he set things up for me to kick him out because all he wanted was to do get away.

I know I can't predict the future and I'm pretty sure he will not disappear from our son's life but with time on my hands my mind fills in the gaps, and there are a lot of gaps right now.

Then you need to focus on getting a life. Fill those gaps with things you like to do, that make you a more fulfilled person, that make you happy and broaden your horizens. Sitting and stewing and stoking your anger do absolutely nothing for you.

I feel lost at sea. No way to navigate, no land in sight and no one is looking for me.

Will some one please chime in...

A lot of people here feel or felt just like you do. Early days bring panic, despair, acute pain and a dire feeling of isolation. IT DOES GET BETTER. You will stumble. You will fall. Then you will lick your wounds, get up, and keep moving forward. There is no other option, especially as far as your son is concerned. You MUST create a calm, loving, happy home for him as he will without a doubt absorb your energy. You don't want to imprint him with anxiety and a feeling of emotional abandonment.